Crime and Punishment

Wednesday One-liners for the Red States

Lady: I come here every weekend. It’s my church.

–Manhattan Mall women’s bathroom

Overheard by: Dolly Lowenstein

Guy: She became a Republican to spite our father.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Woman: I really hate Bush. I can’t stand him. The world would be such a better place if he just died…But then there’s Cheney…

–6 train

Drunk guy: You wait right here, I’m going home to get my gun, I’ll be right back!

–23rd between 8th & 9th

Guy: This is the guy I got arrested with in San Antonio for pissing on the Alamo.

–LES party

Overheard by: Caz

Love Would Have Warranted a Trip to Guantanamo

Middle-aged woman: Whatever happened to that guy you were in love with?
Young woman: We weren’t in love, just seriously in like.
Middle-aged woman: So, what happened to him?
Young woman: I had him deported.

–64th & Broadway

Wednesday One-liners Ain’t Talking Without a Lawyer

Guy: Just because I got a felony doesn’t mean I’m going to jail.

–outside Kew Gardens Criminal Courthouse

Overheard by: Scott Bee

Man walking down the street with a wooden square around his neck says: I’m an innocent man! I’ve been framed, I’m tellin’ ya!

–Carmine & Bleecker

Black guy: Yo, do y’all got $6? Whoa, whoa, listen, I’m Black but I’m no criminal!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Erica Gridelli

“…he put it in my holster 9 months before you were born.”

Mother: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Daughter: A cop.
Mother A cop? You don’t want to be no cop, what do you want to be a cop for?
Daughter: So I can carry a gun.
Mother: You don’t need to be a cop to have a gun. Your dad ain’t no cop and he has a gun.

–F train

Overheard by: Paul Swenson

His Aberrant Sex Practice is Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: Can you imagine having sex with a two year old and a three year old at the same time?

–79th & 5th

Overheard by: Jackie

College chick: So, best case scenario she thinks you’re a lesbian. Worst case scenario, she thinks you’re a child molester.

–M16 bus

Chick: Oh yeah, ’cause we all know how I like to swap spit. With random people…like the cleaning ladies.

–FIT

Wednesday One-liners Run Afoul of the Law

Black guy: It really tore me up to have to beat that nigga with a chair.

–Times Square

Drunk: Fuck getting arrested! I don’t care! But my point is this…

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Guy: See, Francie? See how it’s all pink around the nail? That’s from jabbing my thumb into that guy.

–48th & 1st

Guy on bike: …and she said, “What are you going to do, shoot me?” and that was the last thing she ever said.

–Forest Hills

Old White lady: Oh no, I didn’t get any blood on me, I stayed away from the action. I was the one doing the shooting.

–Aaron Davis Hall, Convent Avenue

Guy on cell: You’re in Florida? You’re driving back right? Get me a nine!…I don’t give shit where you buy it from, get me a nine milimeter. For real, all those southern states you’re driving through, you can get one from somewhere!

–DeMarco’s Pizza, Houston Street

Don’t Hate the Fender, Hate the Grime

Guy #1: Why did the cops just pull that biker over?
Guy #2: I dunno, it’s what, 4AM? Maybe he got on his bike drunk or something…
Guy #1: He’s wearing his helmet and everything though.
Guy #2: Yeah, but that motorcycle is pretty fucking ugly. That orange shit on the fenders is a crime.

–Delancey & Ludlow

Overheard by: a jay

When We Just Tag Her as “Girl”, Hobos Get Confused

A hobo picked out two girls on line and started insulting them. When the police came to get him he started again.

Hobo: See this is what the White Man does! They’ve gotta protect these little Jewish girls from Long Island, don’t give a shit about proud Black men like me.
Girl: I’m Puerto Rican and from Brooklyn.

He attempts to high five her as the cops escort him away.

Hobo: Right on, sister!

–19th & Broadway

She Said It With Much Conviction

Man: Look, they’re hiring.
Woman: No, they wouldn’t hire me with my arrest record.

–Century 21, Cortlandt Street

Overheard by: Pickles

The Irony is That She Could Call That “Living”

Woman: Wow, I’ve never been that close to a real arrest before!
Man: Neither have I.
Woman: This shit always happens in the city. Thank God I don’t have to put up with it anymore, now that I live in Jersey City.
Man: Uh huh…
Woman: The irony is, I’m just on my way home from my shrink! Ha, ha!

–F train

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