Four‐year‐old girl to sister: You’re hitting me with your violin case!
Upper West Side mom: Anne, sometimes you have to endure a little bit of pain on the subway.

–1 Train

Seven‐year‐old boy: You know Britney’s on crack, she’s on crack. And your girl Lindsay is so going to jail for selling cocaine. That Britney is crazy.
Aunt: That boy watches too much TV.


Overheard by: I think lindsay is going to jail too

Mother to son, at semi‐crowded subway: Where’s Alliyah?
Son: I don’t know, somewhere over there.
Mother: Alliyah!
(Alliyah walks over)
Mother: Where were you?
Alliyah: Over there.
Mother: Sitting down?
Alliyah: Yeah.
Mother: Then why’d you get up?
Alliyah: (shakes head and rolls eyes)

–F Train

Overheard by: Respect is relative

Dad to sullen goth son: Are you okay?
Goth: I will be…someday.


Little boy: Do kids go to jail?
Mom: No, kids don’t go to jail.
Little boy: What if they kill someone?
Mom: Well, when kids are real bad, sometimes they go to juvenile, which is a sad place where they don’t let you do things you want.
Little boy: And they don’t feed you!!
Mom: Well, no, the kids there get fed. But maybe the food isn’t very good.
Little boy, to himself: They feed you McDonald’s. Because McDonald’s is bad for you.

–Downtown 1 train, 50th St

Overheard by: riding the train

Teen daughter: Dad, what do you think we might see when we get there?
Straight‐faced dad: Naked lady on a white horse.
Red‐faced mom, after long pause: No.
Dad: What? When’s the last time you saw a white horse?

–A train

Hipster girl: I hate it when obviously uncool people wear flannel.

–E Train

Overheard by: dru

Hipster girl: Shark Week is a week? It lasted like a month last year.

–N 6th St, Williamsburg

Frumpy hipster: No! Hipsters melt in the rain!

–McCarren Park Pool, Greenpoint

Hipster on cell: No, I’ve never heard of a nocturnal squirrel… Do you even… Wait, are you trying to tell me you’re gay?! No? Well, this is awkward…

–Central Park

Hipster guy to another: Have you ever played with yourself under a blacklight? There’s like all kinds of shit on your dick!

–Union Hall

Overheard by: Cass

Frumpy mom, holding up item for hipster tween daughter: Catherine, is this ironic?

–Beacon’s Closet, Williamsburg

Girl to friend: She has a Shakespeare quote tattooed on her body, so she must be smart.

–Bleecker St

Overheard by: Lyssa

Middle aged dude to another: That fucken bitch, man. I wish I had her on a t‑shirt instead of on my chest and back.

–Prince & Lafayette

Slightly ghetto white girl on cell: What happens when a bug bites you on your tattoo?

–D Train

Overheard by: 4‑dumb

Tourist grandmother to eight‐year‐old granddaughter: Do, do you like mommy’s new neck tattoo? (pause) Yeah, me neither.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Jas

Wholesome‐looking man, walking with several families with kids and carrying a cross: Jesus Christ died for our sins today so that we can all give blowjobs whenever we want!

–Union Square

Girl with food: Do you think I’ll get on the JumboTron if I deep throat this pickle?

–MSG: Rangers — Caps Playoff Game

40‐something, during high school reunion: How dare you tell my husband I gave you a blowjob? I was a virgin in high school!

–Outside Jake’s Dillemma

Women on cell: I told him, if he didn’t start shampooing his pubes I would stop blowing him!

–14th St & 9th Ave

Middle‐aged Romanian: I heard he gives better BJs than Santa Claus!


Overheard by: Crazy Romanians

Mexican lady: Simpsons Movie, five dollars.
Young boy: Look, Dad The Simpsons Movie
Dad: If you don’t shut the fuck up about The Simpsons Movie, I’m gonna throw you in front of the goddamn train!

–5 train

Overheard by: ARi