Waiter: Oh, how do you know him?
Queer: I was dating him a while back.
Waiter: Really? Did his wife and kids know that? 

–Metropol, W. 4th St.

Waiter: Hey, wassup? I’m Sean. What’s your name?
Girl: Rebecca. Nice to meet you.
Waiter: And you, man?
Guy: Kwanzaa.
Waiter: Hey, by any change you are mixed with Jewish?
Guy: Er, no, everything but.
Waiter: Well…’cause, you know, I’m Jewish.
Guy: …Okay.
Waiter: Uh, ’cause you know, Kwanzaa’s a Jewish Holiday?
Girl: It is? Wow, I didn’t know that. 

–Diner 24, 8th Avenue

Overheard by: enkie

Waiter: Excuse me, sir — can you finish up your coffee? We’re closing.
Customer: What do you mean? It’s only 10:30! You close at eleven.
Waiter: Well, we changed the hours, and we now close at 10:30.
Customer: Well, last time I checked, I am a customer and I am right about a lot of stuff, and I say you close at eleven.

–Coffee shop, 20th & 1st

Overheard by: PJ

Waiter #1: I just can’t picture you on a motorcycle.
Waiter #2: And I just can’t picture you with a woman.

–LaParma Restaurant

New Waiter: So I learned a secret tonight. The words “Cheers” and “Brilliant” apparently mean “I’m going to leave you a bad tip”.
Old Waiter: You’re just now learning that? That’s Day One shit. 

–Capital Grille, Midtown

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Chick: The waiter said I couldn’t sit on his lap. Then he said not only couldn’t I sit on his lap, that the people next to us complained that I was sitting on his lap! That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life, that you can’t sit on someone’s lap in a restaurant. And to blame the people next to us, who were lovely?

–Our Place, 3rd Avenue

In a hamburger joint in Vancouver: “Can I have a regular hamburger, rare, please?”

Waitress: “You’re obviously not from BC. In the whole province, it is illegal to cook a hamburger in any way other than well‐done.”

Customer: Are any of your soups vegetarian?
Soup guy: Yes, the lentil and vegetable soups are.
Customer: I don’t trust you.
Soup guy: I make the soups.
Customer: Well, I just don’t trust you.
Soup guy, to next customer: Can I help you?
Customer: Hang on now, I still don’t trust you!

–Pax, 40th & 6th Ave

Waiter: Why don’t they just make commercial flamethrowers?
Maître d’: I dunno, but how else are you supposed to kill zombies?

–Cascata Café, Bleecker

Patron: What do you suggest if I don’t want red meat?
Luger’s waiter: Another restaurant.

–Peter Luger’s

Overheard by: glad I didn’t ask for their tofu dish