Waiter: Would you care for a glass of wine or a cocktail?
Old lady: No, thanks, we’re heavy drug users.

–Caffe Grazie, 84th & Madison

Overheard by: mom thought that was funny

Waiter #1: So, Todd called me last night.
Waiter #2: Did you pound him?

–Varick St

Patron: I’d like a grilled special.
Waiter: We don’t grill ’em.
Patron: Yes, you do. I had one last week.
Waiter: You got lucky.

–Katz’s Deli, Houston

Customer: What time does the live entertainment begin?
Waiter: Around 11 p.m.
Customer: Can you call and ask them to start early? It’s eight p.m., and I’m here now.

–Rafina Taverna, 78th & York

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

A well-dressed, middle-aged woman is being kicked out of a restaurant for inviting herself to sit at several other customers’ tables.

Waiter: Come on, you have to leave.
Woman: Baby, there is basically an aura about me. Would you care to venture through it?

–Restaurant, W 4th St

Worker #1: It should be really slow tonight, because it’s the holiday where all Jews can’t go out of their houses.
Worker #2: You mean, they can’t step outside at all?
Worker #1: Well, I don’t know if they have to stay in their actual houses, but wherever they are, it’s not here!

–Yom Kippur, Cosi restaurant

Waiter: Every time I see you, you look younger.
Older man: Oh?
Waiter: Younger, fresher, more rejuvenated…
Older man: I’ll remember you in my will.

–Diner, Broadway & 78th

Old matronly black woman: Wanna go to a hotel? I feel like fucking…Let’s go!
Young Pakistani waiter: Get out of here, you crazy old bat!
Old matronly black woman: I still got it in me to fuck!

–Coffee Shop, Bronx

Overheard by: soulgrrl

Customer: I’ll have a twelve-inch wheat —
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: Um… twelve inches. Isn’t that a foot?
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: I think you’re missing something here.

–Subway, Elmsford

Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief

Girl: And can I get brown rice with my order?
Waiter: No, we don’t have brown rice here. Only white rice.
Girl: Oh, OK.
Waiter: We don’t consider brown rice Chinese food.

–40th & 2nd