Customer: So, can I have three tacos — two with chicken, and one chorizo?
Waitress: Eh, what was the last one?
Customer: Chorizo taco!
Waitress: Oh, I don’t know… The chef may not understand that. Y’know, he doesn’t really speak English…

–El Sombrero restaurant, LES

Customer: What kind of muffins do you have?
Waitress with thick accent: Um… Normal muffins? You know… Brown.

–Diner, Upper West Side

Tourist: We’re going to the opera tonight!
Waitress: Wonderful! Which opera are you going to see?
Tourist: Phantom!
Waitress, after stunned silence: … You’re gonna love it!

–Del Frisco’s, 6th Ave

Waitress: You guys are not from around here?
English tourist: No, we are from England.
Waitress: You sure do speak good English.
English tourist: Most of us do, back home.


Deli girl: So is that your girlfriend?
Guy : No, just a roommate.
Deli girl: What about that other girl you were in here with last week, the other blonde one?
Guy : Nope, just a friend.
Deli girl: And that brunette that came in with you the other day?
Guy : I’m actually gay.
Guy to roommate: Dude, did you see that? That girl is fucking stalking me, she knows every girl I come in here with. I had to tell her I was gay so she would stop with the questions.
Roommate: Why didn’t you just tell her Jess was your girlfriend?
Guy : Cuz the way she was grilling me, I would’ve had to bring Jess in here and make out with her in front of this psycho to make her believe me.
Roommate: Right, so now all you have to is bring a guy in here and make out with him. she’ll believe you.
Guy: I’m not sure the sandwiches in here are worth that.

–Deli, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Don’t think I’ll be going back there

Customer You Greek?
Waitress: Greek Orthodox.
Customer: So you’re Greek.
Waitress: No, that’s my religion, they call it Greek Orthodox.
Customer: But you’re from Greece, right?
Waitress: No, Belarus.
Customer: Russia?
Waitress: Belarus. It’s the former USSR. It’s between Russia and Poland.
Customer: I never heard of it. It must be very small.
Waitress: It’s not small.
Customer: It must be very small.
Waitress: It’s the size of France. France is quite big, actually.
Customer: I better look at a map.
Waitress: Yeah, you’d better.

–Diner, Park Slope

Hostess: Actually, you are sitting on the table.
Customer: Oops.

–Sushi Samba, 7th Avenue South

Overheard by: AJ Stone

Waitress: I just don’t get it. Like, how can you be infatuated with me when you don’t even know me?

–Deluxe, 112th & Broadway

Woman: Excuse me, I left my passport in the ladies’ room.
Stewardess guy: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to wait until we make our way down the aisle.
Woman: But I need to get my passport.
Stewardess guy: I understand that, but we cannot move this cart back far enough. We should be through in a few minutes.
Woman: But it’s in the bathroom! What if someone takes it?
Stewardess guy: If it’s not in the bathroom when you get there, let one of us know and we’ll make an announcement.
Woman: No, I can’t wait for that to happen, I have to go and get my passport now.
Stewardess guy: I understand, but as I’ve explained to you before, you must wait. Please return to your seat.
Woman: Oh, you’re very nice. You know, in the United States, people don’t behave like that.
Stewardess guy: In the Netherlands people don’t dress like that.

–KLM flight to JFK

Waitress: Sorry sir, your order did not come out as you expected. The cooks don’t speak English so they didn’t understand what you wanted.

–ESPNZone, Times Square

Overheard by: Rachel W

Spanish girl: When I got my tongue pierced it wasn’t swollen at all. They was tellin’ me to eat soup and shit. Fuck that! I was eatin’ rice and beans like five times a day! I am not gonna starve myself for no piercing. Fuck that! Gimme a T-bone.

–M train

A hobo walks up to the people outside and says: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has no atmosphere.

–Indochine, Lafayette Street

Drunk guy: So I eat the Baklava, then I go into the bathroom to take care of my business. When I come out I say, “What’s the problem?”.

–47th & 9th

Overheard by: JH

Woman: Can you please make sure it’s a boy lobster? I’m only into boys, and don’t want to eat a girl.

–Austin ale house, Kew Gardens

Overheard by: tom

Pudgy guy on cell: I used to pay for dinner for three. But now I don’t pay for anyone, I just have Apple Jacks at home.


Overheard by: Alita