At the Airport

Airport security: Sir, we’ve been informed that you are carrying a firearm aboard this plane.
Suit: WHAT?!
Flight attendant: I overheard him say he was going to disassemble his firearm!
Suit: FLY ROD! Disassemble my FLY ROD!
Flight attendant: Oh. Whoops.

–Jet Blue plane, JFK

Guy #1: I had the runs the entire damn flight and some bitch flight attendant tells me to stop going back and forth to the bathroom.
Guy #2: What did she think, you were going to blow up the plane with your explosive diarrhea?
Guy #1: Well, one thing’s for sure: I left that toilet in a hell of a mess!

–JFK Starbucks

Overheard by: Justin Ackman

AirTran flight attendant over intercom: We hope you ladies and gentlemen had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the windows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like.


Airline employee over loudspeaker: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Airline loudspeaker, 10 minutes later: Seriously, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Airline Loudspeaker, 10 more minutes later: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now!

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Kim

Flight attendant: The captain has advised us that our flying time will be quick, at an altitude of high and a speed of fast.

–JFK airport

Flight attendant: We do encounter bumps between the runway and the gate — that’s not my fault. It’s not even the captain’s fault. It’s the asphalt.

–JFK airport

Flight Attendant: Thank you for flying US Airways, and have a happy… happy… what the hell holiday is this? Columbus? Psssh, that ain’t no holiday. Have a good week!

–LaGuardia Airport

American Airline pilot: Ok guys, we’re just waiting on some United dude to clear our tail so we can push.

–La Guardia Airport – about to take off

Overheard by: So K

Pilot flying into LaGuardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beautiful, famous downtown skyline of Manhattan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side… [pause, sighing] New Jersey.


Overheard by: mj kiran

Airline employee #1: No, they wanted a rabbi who could dance…
Airline employee #2: I think he's a pedophile.

–JFK Terminal 8

Overheard by: lupos

Man: What’s that black band on your wrist for? Everyone has those things now. Is it like Kabbalah? Or to cure cancer?
Woman: It’s a hairband.

–Flight out of LaGuardia

Thuggish 11-year-old #1, looking at in-flight magazine: That car is sweet.
Thuggish 11-year-old #2: Oh, it’s okay. I’m a BMW man myself.

–AirTran flight out of LaGuardia

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Girl #1: I am so tired! I have total jet lag.
Girl #2: You can’t get jet lag; we never left the Eastern time zone.

–LaGuardia flight from Miami

Three-year-old girl: Daddy, I like flying.
Father: Why is that, honey?
Three-year-old girl: I like looking at the clouds. They are god's house.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Heather

Girl #1: I don’t feel well.
Girl #2: You look fine.
Girl #1: I think I have malaria.
Girl #2: I really don’t think you do.
Girl #1: Do people get malaria in Nicaragua?
Girl #2: I don’t know, I don’t care, and furthermore, we were in Brazil.


Woman on cell: Yeah, I have to go. I’m too distracted on the phone, and I don’t trust anyone in this terminal. People are speaking Spanish behind me, if you know what I mean.