Robbing the Cradle

Woman #1: I wouldn’t mind Michael Jackson looking after my kids.
Woman #2: Two words: child molester.
Woman #1: Two words: Not guilty.

–1 Train

Man: I just like to smoke crack, get naked and fuck young boys. Is that wrong?
Woman: That is very wrong.

–East Village

Lady gentrifier: Like Joey Buttafuoco?
Guy gentrifier: Yes, like Joey Buttafuoco.

–Prospect Heights, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jordamn!

Maternal woman to 14‐year‐old girl: My, aren’t you looking sexy!
Random creepy guy: She ain’t wrong!

–Bayview Place, Staten Island

Overheard by: now I want a mental shower

Suit: That’s why I can’t help but love New York. New York is like the sick uncle that touches you when no ones around.

–Grand Central Terminal

Girl, after passing a tourist bumping into her: In New York we say “excuse me!”

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Overheard by: The City Planner

Guy to friend: Are we in the inner city or just the city?

–1st Ave & 6th St

Dude walking out of Penn station: You know what’s great about going out in New York City? You can get completely bombed and it’s no big deal, because you’ll probably never see those people again, you know?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: BPV

Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like “shitter.”

–96th & Columbus Ave

Construction worker: Hey beautiful, you have a lovely day.
Young girl: I’m fourteen, you perv!
Construction worker: Ay, puta…
Young girl: And I speak Spanish!

–9th St & University

Very underage thugette: Look, they have a happy hour!
20‐something thug: Shit, girl, you ain’t old enough.
Very underage thugette: Nah, they won’t check.
20‐something thug: Yeah, they will – they’ll kick you out and send me to jail.
Very underage thugette: But we’re married!

–Outside Bar, Underhill Ave, Brooklyn

Girl #1: So I saw Juno the other day, it was really funny.
Girl #2: Yeah, the girl from that movie Hard Candy is in that where she like tortures a pedophile.
Girl #1: Oh yeah! That movie rocked my socks off. Man I would give anything to kick a pedophile in the neck.

–Duane Reade, 34th & 5th

Teacher: My father always told me, “Never run away from a fight. If the guy’s bigger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, ’cause this dude’s gonna kill you!”

–Stuyvesant High School

Teacher: Okay. Emergency procedures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Goober

Chinese teacher (referring to Sichuan earthquake): They had a saying after the earthquake happened that originates from a male part. “People are supposed to rise up, and get hard!” …and be strong.

–Bard High School Early College

Math teacher: Give me your little men!

–Spence School

English teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teaching grammar in 90‐degree weather. (student is silent) I’m not going to hit you.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

Haggard 40‐something guy to girl passing by: Mmm‐hmmm! That’s the way I like ’em. Tiny and nice and tight. Look at that body, damn. Mmm‐hmm. Hey, girl! Hey, gorgeous, how old are you?
Annoyed girl: I’m 14.
Haggard #40‐something guy: Damn! That’ll get me 25 years… Damn!

–3rd St, Havemeyer

Overheard by: One of 8 who witnessed this