Dear Hugh Laurie–Call Me –Love, Danielle

Cute girl about upcoming CAT scan: There’s a part of me that’s actually a little excited… or at least interested, because, you know, it’s a new experience.
Friend: It will be an adventure. A medical adventure. Like House!
Girl: Except the doctor won’t be nearly as sexy as Hugh Laurie.
Friend: But he’ll have a better bedside manner.
Girl: It’d be worth the bedside manner if he were that sexy.
Friend: We’ve gotta stop watching that show. It gives us unrealistic expectations.
Girl: My mind right now is like 45% fear, 25% excitement, 15% rational thought, you know, that it’s probably not cancer, and the rest is Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard battling for my affections.
Friend: We’ve gotta stop watching that show.

–L Train

Overheard by: Jonah

Posted on May 31, 2023
About Celebrities, Advice, Beauty, Cancer, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Fears, Friends, Girls, Medicine, On the Subway, TV

Wednesday One-Glove-Liners

20-something female shopkeeper to coworker, as Michael Jackson's "Rock with You" plays on the radio: Did you hear he's sick? Apparently, he's in the hospital. I know, it's crazy. Can you imagine if he dies? If he dies, that'll be, like, the most awful thing to happen to America in years!

–Pet Food Store

Overheard by: Nathalie

Suit on cell: What if Michael Jackson sucking your dick was the cure for cancer?

–8th & Broadway

Man, lighting cigarette: So what'd he die from? A sunburn?

–Chambers St. & West Broadway

Middle aged black lady on cell: If you can get Michael Jackson on a condom box it would definitely sell.

–MacDougal & 8th St

Nine-year-old boy, pointing to a newspaper article, to younger sister: Oh yeah, that guy? He was fifty. He used to be a black guy but made himself become white.

–Canal & Orchard, Chinatown

Overheard by: Lauren T.

Large tattooed man, discussing Michael Jackson: One of those kids is his; the other two can't be, they're white. They were all unofficially inseminated, though.

–Delancey & Essex

Posted on May 27, 2023
About Celebrities, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Black People, Brothers, Cancer, Chinatown, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Condoms, Coworkers, Death, Fat People, Health and Hygiene, Illness, Kids, Lower East Side, Men, Music, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Race, Sisters, Store, Street, Stupidity, Suits, The Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Isn’t That Sweet?

[Skinny girl takes box of equal out of her pocket and puts half the packages in her coffee.]Friend: What are you doing? You’re going to get cancer!
Equal girl: Yeah, but I won’t get fat.

–Starbucks

Posted on December 22, 2019
Advice, Cancer, Compare/Contrast, Default, Diet/Weight, Friends, Girls, Physical appearance, Skinny People, Smokers & Smoking, Smoking, Starbucks

Democracy Clears Doesn’t Work; Back to Monarchy?

Wheeltard: Round here I’m just an idiot, but not in Brooklyn. I’m king in my neighborhood. When I cross that bridge and they see me comin’, they know I’m king.

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: Alex Romanovich

Girl: I don’t know who she thinks she is, but just because she’s got cancer doesn’t make her Queen Bitch.

–Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: Tony

Posted on November 18, 2019
Assholes, Cancer, Handicaps, Lower East Side, Manhattan, Retards & Handicaps

Guess That Also Explains Why You're So Fashionably Thin!

Woman with crew cut to salesman: Excuse me, my husband's glow necklace is leaking–may I exchange it?
(glow necklace salesman hands her a new one)
Salesman: And that's a lovely haircut you have!
Woman, not amused: I'm going through cancer.

–Prospect Park

Posted on July 25, 2019
Brooklyn, Cancer, Clerks, Compliments, Fashion, Hair, Offers and requests, Parks, Weirdness, Women

Have You Seen Wednesday? It's Totally Had Its One-Liners Done.

Woman on cell: I can't believe no one said anything… How could no one notice? It used to be sooooo crooked, and I spend all this money to get my nose fixed, and no one says anything?

–Norfolk & Houston

50-year-old lady: So are you still down for the Brazilian wax?

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chuch

Little girl, pointing at someone having their eyebrows threaded: Look! They're sewing that woman's face!

–14th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: kenzi

Orange lady: Is it like you definitely, for sure get cancer from a tanning bed? Cause then I might stop.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Alexis

Posted on May 4, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Cancer, Kids, Lower East Side, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Nose Job, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Physical appearance, Questions, Street, Union Square and East Village, Waxing, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

That's Why She's Dead

Preppy gay guy: I thought she already had cancer?
Preppy fag hag, dawning realization: You're right! She did… definitely.

–Bleecker & Grove

Overheard by: jams

Posted on December 24, 2018
Cancer, Fag Hags, Preppies, Queer guys, Questions, The Village, Weirdness

We Prefer the Blue Wall of Silence

Drunk guy #1: I'm a cop, you idiot!
Drunk guy #2: You're a cop, you fucking bastard?
Drunk guy #1: I'm a cop, you idiot!
Drunk guy #2: You're a fucking cop?!
Drunk guy #1: I'm a cop, you idiot!
Drunk guy #3: I'm a cop you idiot! It's not a tumor!

–3rd Ave & 92nd St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mallory

Posted on July 19, 2017
Brooklyn, Cancer, Cops, Default, Drunks, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Weirdness

That Way I Can Snack on It When I Get Bored

Girl #1: What does a brain tumor feel like? Cause I think I have one.
Girl #2: I don't know, but that's horrible.
Girl #1: Yeah, it would suck a lot. It just feels like there's a lump, in my brain. I'm really out of shape, though, so I'm hoping the lump is just another pile of fat building up in my bod.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: pomy

Posted on February 12, 2016
Body Parts, Cancer, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Diet/Weight, Girls

There's No Pill for What Wednesday One-Liners Have

Nervous hipster: You know, it's really true what they say about friends with eczema…

–50th & 8th

Overheard by: chris

Guy on cell: So she got cancer, big fuckin deal!

–1st Ave & St. Mark's

Man on cell: Next time they call, just politely say there's no one here with diabetes.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Lola Black

Woman exiting car: There's this bump between my ass and cooch. I think I should get that checked.

–W 4th St

20-something guy to 40-something woman: Look, I'm not saying I'm not concerned about my hand being sticky, but I'm more concerned about malaria.

–Café

Posted on November 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Cancer, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Friendship, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Hipsters, Illness, Insults, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Parks, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Cancer