Religion

Holy Wednesay-One-Liners, Batman!

Little boy, hearing loud explosion: Jesus Christ!

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: Farley

Suit to girlfriend: Are you mad at Jesus?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Matt

Girl, pointing to eyebrow ring: I receive God through this hole in my eye!

–Financier Patisserie, Stone St

Overheard by: Gen

Teen girl: Yeah, so I was about to go down on him, and I got smacked in the face with Jesus. It was so not hot.

–Sheepshead Bay

Overheard by: Lotte

Black man: Free Post! Free Post! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, free at last! Free Post!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: jackattack

JAP: When I told my mom I didn’t want to fast today she said ‘That’s ok, no one said you had to’ and I said ‘Ummm, I think God did.’

–33rd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: ak

Man to cop: Can’t you do nuthin’ about those damn Jehovah’s Nitwits?

–Grand Central

I Prefer to Think That He Jumped Out Of a Cake and Yelled “Surprise!”

Foreign TA: I don't understand why they use the egg for Easter.
American TA: Oh, it doesn't really have anything to do with Easter, we just appropriated pagan rituals.
Foreign TA: I thought Easter is when Jesus was reborn.
American TA: It is.
Foreign TA: I thought maybe he was reborn out of an egg.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: MCLD

Because Mr. Cruise is Clearly Well Balanced

L. Ron Hubtard: Do you have stress?
Man: I live in New York, what the fuck do you think? “Do I have stress?” Fuck you.

–Times Square station

Overheard by: ichi gami

She’s on Coke, Duuuh!

Bus driver: That’s what crack will do to you.
Crazy lady: What? Crack? Did you say I’m on crack? Hell no. I have too much ass to be on crack. I have too much jewelry to be on crack. You see these? They’re real diamonds. You hear these? They’re keys jingling – keys to my house. Next time you see someone having a bad day, just say ‘I guess they’re having a bad day’ not ‘they’re on crack. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you!

–125th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: ColumbiaCat

Today, Wednesday One-Liner Is a Woman.

Girl on cell: It just… It's not like it sucks. (pause) It just sucks, ya know? I mean, I had my period this morning, and I just wanna get high.

–Borough of Manhattan Community College

Overheard by: 447ght

Customer, buying two packs of Kotex: Next time you order these, you should get the kind with deodorant. It really makes a difference!

–112th St & St. Nicholas

Guy on cell: Dude! Guys don't PMS!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: allie

Girl #1: I once made a Nativity from feminine products. (awkward silence) They weren't used, though…

–Barnard

Overheard by: Brooklyn

Or You Won’t Know When to Stand Up and Sit Down

Old latina about lady handing out flyers: What does her sign say?
Young latina: ‘You must be Catholic to go to heaven.’
Old latina: Well, of course.

–Trinity Church

Where Unitarians Come From

Gentile #1: I’m thinking he looks more like a rabbi. Can’t you just picture the yarmulke on his head?
Gentile #2: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of wood.
Gentile #1: Clay!
Gentile #2: Clay? Oh, it is clay… see, that’s what makes me not Jewish.
Gentile #1: Believe it or not, in Catholic school during Hanukkah they had us play dreidel games and eat latkes and stuff.
Gentile #2: That’s very weird.
Gentile #1: Hey, it was better than reading the Bible.
Gentile #2: Touché.

–New School for Social Research

John the Apostle Only Alludes to It Cryptically

Guy: There’s a Bennigan’s here now?
Girl: Sure, New York’s getting everything: Bennigan’s, Outback, Applebee’s, Chevy’s.
Guy: Who knew the four horsemen of the apocalypse were chain restaurants?

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: Amanda

If Anyone Has Insight, Let Him Calculate the Number

Two hobos are passing a bottle.

Woman: You can’t do that! This is a passenger train…The blood of Jesus Christ! You can’t do that; this is a passenger train! You need to find Jesus!…That is the devil’s drink. By the blood of Jesus you need to repent!
Hobo #1: Lady, I am the devil.
Woman: You can’t do that on a passenger train! If I see a police I will have you arrested!
Hobo #2: You wanna borrow my cell phone?

–F train

You Know They'd Cook With Transubstantiated Fats

20 year-old guy: What if the afterlife and hell exists? I mean if it does, there has to be a society because billions of people would be there by now.
Friend: Yeah…
20 year-old: So that's a lot of people, like a society has to emerge since there can't be that many demons and torturers. You would have like a McDonald's and people working there. (pause) But you could be working there, and it could be every day for an eternity.
Friends: That's so much worse than hell.

–New Jersey Transit, Port Authority Bus Terminal

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