Man: I never met a necrophiliac, but my friend met one at Bellevue.
–La Grolla, UWS
Man: I never met a necrophiliac, but my friend met one at Bellevue.
–La Grolla, UWS
Crazy guy: I have fallen off the earth and been plastered to the moon! But I’m back.
Cellmate: Uh huh.
Crazy guy: It’s hard to piss out your stomach when they’re tracking
your shoes.
Cellmate: Yup.
–Central booking, Centre Street
Overheard by: the holding cell across from them
Crazy woman to mother of laughing baby: He likes me! At least you know he ain't gonna be gay!
–14th St & Ave B
Hospital coffee shop counter guy: Missed you yesterday.
Hospital clerk: Yeah, you didn’t see me yesterday. I was in the emergency room. Patient
swung at me with a cane. So I threw a metal stapler at her. I got stressed when I threw that stapler, yeah. So I went to the emergency room. We need partitions, man.
–City Hospital, Bronx
Crazy lady at crosswalk: I am a professional jaywalker! If you jaywalk, I will give you a ticket! If you don't, I will not!
Young black woman: Yo! Being who I am, I will bop you on the head.
–E 124th St & Lexington
Overheard by: waitingforthefight
Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said "Come on, Mr California!" and I was like: "Mr California? Come on! I’ve been here for like four months!"
–G Train
Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame
Jersey girl: I don’t do Arkansas.
–Tram to Roosevelt Island
Eight-year-old to uncle: Please don’t move to Connecticut… It’s too hard to spell!
–38th & 2nd Ave
Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton-John’s fine and all, but she’s like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.
–Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.
Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you’re on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai’s.
–43rd St between Madison & 5th
Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I’m sick of dem Hispanics, man! I’m sick of ’em! I love California.
–New York Public Library, 42nd St branch
Overheard by: Jason
Excerpts from the monologue of a crazy man in a diner. He is probably 60, very fat, and talking to a short 40ish Hispanic woman wearing a tiny flounce skirt and a t-shirt that says “BEAR”. He is evidently a regular, because the waiters banter with him. He also mentions AA frequently.
Fat man: I promote models and actresses, but very slowly. I do it very, very slowly. You’re a very attractive woman. I’d like to give you my number.
Fat man: It’s the procrastinators who rule the world; the people who hurry end up dead.
Fat man: I’ve got 31 movies–31 movies!–I saw The Wedding Crashers, it was amazing.
Fat man: I can get you modeling; I can get you into mental health doing social work…you’ll lose weight, you’ll get married, you’ll have what every woman wants. Except certain women are gay. And they want girlfriends and I accommodate that. I’m a saint. I’m a guru–I don’t call myself a guru. I’m a saint. I save people.
Fat man: I was watching TV; this crazy thing happened. This guy loved his friend. And his friend was about to be stepped on by an elephant. And the guy put himself in front of his friend, what do you think happens? He gets stepped on by an elephant. It’s terrible to watch these things.
–Coffee Shop, 86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Mollie
Crazy guy: Shaving is so much more important than your cell phone.
–6 train
Young hipster guy to hobo: I hate to ask, but do you mind if I bum a cigarette from you?
–Prince St
Overheard by: Kristen W.
Flight attendant on PA: We’d like to remind you that this is a non-smoking service to London, but passengers are permitted to smoke outside the cabin at any point during the flight.
–British Airways Flight to Heathrow
Crazy man: Smoking leads directly to prostitution!
–66th & Broadway
Overheard by: voluptuousgrl
Dude: I’ve been smoking since I came out of my mom’s cooch.
–Hop Scotch Cafe
Woman with raspy voice: Man, cigarettes are so expensive now. When I started smoking, it was only a $1.25 a pack. Unless I bought them off my mom, she only charged 75 cents a pack.
–4 Train, Union Square
Overheard by: Christine
Mom to seven-year-old son: Come on, let’s go out for a cigarette. (looks around nervously at other audience members) Well, not that you smoke.
–Intermission, Rent
Drunk: Where’s my boy, man?
–Odessa, Ave. A
