Eurochick: I’ve got to dance tonight. I didn’t make any money here this week.
–Soho salon
Woman on cell: Where are you? I’m lost!…I don’t know! I’m uptown. I’m on a corner. I’m in front of a tall building.
–57th & Lex
Overheard by: Heather
Eurochick: I’ve got to dance tonight. I didn’t make any money here this week.
–Soho salon
Woman on cell: Where are you? I’m lost!…I don’t know! I’m uptown. I’m on a corner. I’m in front of a tall building.
–57th & Lex
Overheard by: Heather
B&T girl: These bra inserts I’m wearing are hard as rocks!
–Tao Asian Bistro, Midtown
Woman: Well, I trusted you before you put your dick in her.
–Tabla Bread Bar, Flatiron District
Homey #1: Yo, hold up…Jesus was a virgin?! He went from 12 to 33 with nothing?
Homey #2: Fuck that shit. He definitely got his dick sucked or buttfucked some bitches.
–L Train, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Brian McCaffrey
Thug: Damn! You can’t go nowhere now without seeing faggots. I saw two brothers holding hands on the train the other day. It’s like they were coming out of the closet on the train!
Thugette: There ain’t no closet on the train.
–L Train, 8th Avenue
Guy: He’s really cool as Chickenhawks go.
–E 15th St, near Stuyvesant Park
Preppy girl: Oh my god, this salad is bangin’, but it needs chicken. I need some motherfuckin’ chicken on my motherfuckin’ salad!
–McDonald’s, Broadway
Mother to daughter: Stand over here. Birds be shittin’.
–Near Penn Station
Overheard by: Checking for pigeons
Guy, looking at man walking duck on leash: That’s just like the duck I used to have!
–Central Park
Man, scared by parrot’s loud screech : What the fuck was that? A duck?
–86th St & 2nd Ave
Man: If I was homeless, I would totally get a big trash bag and stuff it with pigeon feathers. It would be like a big down comforter.
–9th St & 1st Ave
Hipster girl: I know. Pigeon shit and Clorox! If I’m not dead next week it will be a miracle!
–St. Marks & 1st Ave
Overheard by: off white
Woman: “Medium.” What’s medium mean?
–Rite Aid, Grand Central
Overheard by: Mel
Girl: Her baby was premature, and she already has health problems. She only has one liver.
–Puck Fair, Lafayette St
Girl: A human baby takes seven or eight weeks to look adorable. A puppy is cute right away.
–31st Ave & 44th St, Queens
Overheard by: Jake
Guy: Where is that crying baby coming from? It better not be in that trash can.
–18th St & 5th Ave
Woman on cell in bathroom stall: Well, shit, I wouldn’t had his baby if I’d known he was on drugs! Hang on… No, I’m in da bafroom. Da bafroom! Ok, later.
–Bathroom in office building, 51st St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: I’m using the one downstairs from now on…
Guy on cell: I wish the baby could go back into your stomach.
–Columbus Circle train station
Teen thug girl holding the Click DVD: Wait, we’re buying this and not baby food?
–Lincoln Park
Overheard by: WTF
Black guy: Man, niggas got guns. You don’t know what they gonna do.
–Astor Place
Overheard by: couldn’t stop laughing
Hungry guy: Tell him I’m gonna kick his ass! Tell him I’m gonna fuck him up, and tell him to bring food.
–Chelsea
Overheard by: Autumn
Mother of the Year: My momma said, “All you gotta do is beat the hell out the biggest one of them, and the rest will fall in line.” And she was right, too.
–23rd & 11th
Woman on cell: She went and married that man who her first husband shot her for goin’ out with.
–Foley Square
Enthusiastic guy: Yeah! Come down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped! Just come on down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped. Yeah! We’ll whip your ass. So just come down to Ditmars. You’ll get your ass whipped.
–N train, Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Richard Berman
Amateur chiropractor: She told the cops I hit her with a golf club. I didn’t hit that bitch with no golf club. If I hit that bitch with a golf club, her neck would be broken.
–Behind Pathmark, 125th St
Overheard by: wadotron
Happy hobo: Oh man! Oh man! [Hugs friend repeatedly] Now I’m gonna kick your ass!
–G train
Overheard by: greenpoint blank
Prim lady: Even whips and chains can’t keep boy problems from being typical.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
College student to friends: One time I just want to be caught in a sexually compromising situation with nothing but my bubble wand blower.
–27th & 7th
Overheard by: LFB
Queer on cell: When you handcuffed me, ohhh yes… No, I don’t think there’s a railing I could use right now. No… I’m not taking them out of my bag! Ugh, fiiine… Be there in five minutes… You’re baaad! [Runs off giggling.]
–Penn Station
Little girl, to mother: Get off the train! I want to get off! Move away! Move away! Bad girl!
–1 train
Overheard by: EthanK
Chick on cell: Your hook-up buddies would be the type to stow you in a closet.
–Harlem
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Nerdy chick: Cognitive dissonance is not my kink.
–Kinoko Sushi, W 72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Yuppie woman: Her mother was recently diagnosed with clinical narcissism. One of the indicators was the time she went to a funeral and got angry that no one noticed her new dress.
–Downtown 6 train
Woman: I have this running joke with my kids. Whenever there’s a spider or a big bug, they’re like, "Kill it! Kill it!", and I’m like "I can’t kill it! It might be your grandmother!" You know, like reincarnation?
–Office tower ladies room, Lex & 44th St
Guy on cell: Who are you to tell me who is of legal age for me? You’re not my mother! How can you tell me who is legal enough for me and who isn’t?
–Union Square
Little Boy: Mommeeee! Ah… I mean, Daddeee!
— 67th Ave & Yellowstone Blvd, Queens
Woman on cell: Mom, a building just got knocked over by a plane and you want to talk about my gambling?
–71st St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: mike
Girl: I have no siblings! I can’t be a fuck up because I have no siblings!
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: meghan
Goth girl wannabe: I fantasize about incest, but not with anyone I’m related to.
–East Village
Mom to seven-year-old crossing street: Be careful, dear. You don’t want to get run over or we can’t have sushi.
–78th & Amsterdam
Cute girl halting before crossing into oncoming traffic: Okay, perhaps we should not die today.
–42nd & 8th
Overheard by: Traffic
Father to son running towards intersection: Remember! A foot in the street means a foot in your ass!
–57th & 4th, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Chick zig-zagging across street: I just cannot get down with manholes! Scary, scary manholes. I try to avoid them at all costs.
–83rd & Broadway
Bored cop on megaphone: Please walk on the sidewalk. Stop walking in the middle of the street… Stop walking in the middle of the street. Use the sidewalks… See how you’re on the black pavement? You want to be on concrete. See the cars trying to run you over? That’s ‘vehicular traffic.’ Get out of its way.
–Next to Radio City Music Hall
Boyfriend following jaywalking girlfriend: That’s illegal. [She ignores him.] That’s illegal!
–6th & 4th, Park Slope
