Woman: She said she want to make more than 8 dollars. I said, “Honey, you ain’t makin’ no 20 dollars unless you sell drugs.”
–Bowery
Overheard by: Stephanie Emilienburg
Girl on cell: I think the truth is rotting into your brain, that’s why you’re getting migraines.
–Astoria
Overheard by: Rych
Black woman, looking at Nacho Libre poster: I don’t wanna see any foreign shit. Fuck that!
–AMC theatre, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: K Smith
Woman with white dog to woman with black dog: He’s only barking because he isn’t used to seeing that kind of dog.
–Central Park
Dude: Man, I wish I had a doorknob.
–34th & 8th
Hustler on cell: I just wish you wasn’t being all one-track-mind-your-own-business about this.
–Chinatown
Hobo: Can anybody help a disabled Navy veteran get something to eat? If you help me buy a sandwich, you’ll get a 2007 Zagat for half price. [A suit gives him money but declines the Zagat.] Okay, but I really wish someone would buy the Zagat.
–4 train
Overheard by: Fagat
Guy on cell: You just wish you were my baby’s mama!
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Elizabeth
Hipster: … So he said, ‘I wish Jesus was alive now. I’d invite him to join MySpace.com and I’d force him to be my friend.’
–Q train crossing the East River
Overheard by: Beth Smith
Hobo: There’s a Republican in Greenwich Village! [Sirens sound nearby.] Better watch out!
–W 12th & 8th
Overheard by: nyamelia
Excited man on cell: It’s a White House colonic!
–17th & 6th
Seven-year-old girl with silent parents: Spitzer won! Spitzer won! Spitzer won!
–8th Ave, Park Slope
20-ish guy on cell: What do you mean, ‘Bush will get re-elected in ’08’? Didn’t you go to fuckin’ grade school and learn about the two term limit on the presidency? Okay, yeah, I’ll be over for dinner tonight… Love ya, Mom! Bye!
–W 41st & 7th
Hipster dude to another: That girl told me she was a Republican, and I fucked her in the ass all night long. That was the best ass sex I ever had.
–Clinton St & 3rd Pl, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Terry
Customer: I’d like a grande hazelnut latte and a new president.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Grady
Woman: She had sex with a dragon. She had sex with a dragon! I keep seeing her and wantin’ to ask, “Yo, how’s the dragon?”
–Ollie’s, 69th & Broadway
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Virgin-For-Life on cell: Did you vanquish the dragon?…Yo, I told you to vanquish the dragon! Dumb ass nigga. Damn.
–Gristedes, West Village
Overheard by: KoryD
Nanny to little boy: I think each country must have its own Tooth Fairy.
–5th & President, Park Slope
Overheard by: b
Hipster on cell: It’s cooler, and you’re a vampire. Ok, I get it.
–6th St & 1st Ave
Teen boy: I was laughing ’cause this girl had no legs…
–175th & Ft. Washington
Latina on cell: Who died? Anna? How!? Hahaha! Finally.
–Jefferson & Wyckoff, Ridgewood
Dude: And she’s mad at me, ’cause I, like, kept telling her she sucked last week.
–Hunter College High School
Overheard by: i would be too
Blonde lady: I mean, it was only fun to tease the homeless woman for so long.
–1 train
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
Suit on Blackberry: I don’t give a fuck about other countries. To be honest, I only really give a fuck about myself. Starving black kids, welfare moms… Fuckin’ A! What gives?
–12th & 4th
Overheard by: Galen
Chick: I really wish he’d lost his whole finger — that’s what he deserves.
–Whole Foods salad bar, Time Warner Center
Professor: Skeet is when a man pulls out of the vagina or anus and has an orgasm on the man or woman. It’s also come to refer to the ejaculate itself.
–NYU classroom
Woman on cell: Nice. I just realized I’ve been wandering around with doughnut glaze stuck to my cheek like dried cum.
–44th & 8th
Sex ed teacher: The penis can’t urinate and, um, spermate at the same time.
–Berkeley Carroll School, Park Slope
Overheard by: i believe it’s ejaculate
Man on cell: I hired you to be a fucking porn director, not to make some artsy documentary! I mean, she’s supposed to get that on her face!
–Times Square
Woman to her Grizzly Adams-like companion: But, honey, you don’t have any sperm!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Marissa
Guy on cell: Yeah, I called the sperm bank and told them your test came back positive… Yeah, they said it was no big deal.
–114th & Amsterdam
Dude on cell: I just ordered some soup and am drinking tea, so we’re on the same page. Except about cum, it seems.
–Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Argopelter
Proselytizer: You’ve got to make sure you’re reading the King James Bible. God uses the other ones for conversion, but they’re ten percent less effective.
–Downtown 2 train
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Mom: Look, this one’s from Jordan and Israel. That’s where Jesus is from!
–Mouse House, Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: LT$
Woman: I’m gonna give him a holy bath and all kinds of things.
–Columbus Bakery, 83rd & Columbus
Pamphlet lady: That’s why you’ve got no power! Where’s the mayor? He’s not Jesus! He’s not coming to save you!
–Penn Station
Soccer mom: …and then he asked if he could go to church with Grandma, and I said, “Well, I don’t think so, Ryan*. Daddy’s had to yell at you all night and spank you twice, and only good boys get to go to church.”
–Central Park
Overheard by: God would be proud
Hobo: The Holy Spirit will whup yo’ ass!
–Court St
Young passerby, to old man entering church: Good luck!
–48th & 8th
Overheard by: Russell Z
Hipster to her dog: You know, you really are the best pooper I know!
–Prince & MacDougal
Overheard by: Yann
Woman to dog: Why do you always have to pee on your paws? Oh, honey… Do not pee on your feet!
–12th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Thompson
Hispanic guy to his dog: What are you do–? Why don’t you listen to me? What the hell — didn’t I tell you that is bad?!
–98th & Lex
Overheard by: Laughing my ass off
Queer to his yappy dog: No, no, no! You’ve already peed on that. You’ve peed on everything!
–28th St & 8th Ave
Woman to dog in baby talk: Yes, other people’s poo makes me very happy, yes!
–48th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Father-of-the-year: My son. He came home with a swollen eye. I asked him why and he said another boy hit him. I asked him if he hit him back and he said, ‘No.’ I asked him why and he said, ‘Because that would hurt him.’ So I said, ‘He’s hurting you, isn’t he?’ So I told him to hit him back. That’s how the world is. Do you think when he starts going to school he’ll catch on?
–53rd & 6th
Hard hat meathead: Hey man, I haven’t seen you since that time you hit that guy in the face with a wrench!
–LIRR – Long Beach to Penn Station
Evander Childs graduate: Oh, you went to Spellman? I think I beat up a kid from Spellman.
–125th & Lenox
Angry man on cell: Tell her that if she walks in the wrong direction again, I am going to punch her in the fucking face!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Marissa
Guy: Dude, I’ve totally had girls ask me to give them bloody noses before sex.
–5th St between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: MMS
Girl: There were these spiders on her so the guy she was with gave her a good beating all over.
–1 train
Overheard by: arachnophile
