Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Father-of-the-year: My son. He came home with a swollen eye. I asked him why and he said another boy hit him. I asked him if he hit him back and he said, ‘No.’ I asked him why and he said, ‘Because that would hurt him.’ So I said, ‘He’s hurting you, isn’t he?’ So I told him to hit him back. That’s how the world is. Do you think when he starts going to school he’ll catch on?

–53rd & 6th

Hard hat meathead: Hey man, I haven’t seen you since that time you hit that guy in the face with a wrench!

–LIRR – Long Beach to Penn Station

Evander Childs graduate: Oh, you went to Spellman? I think I beat up a kid from Spellman.

–125th & Lenox

Angry man on cell: Tell her that if she walks in the wrong direction again, I am going to punch her in the fucking face!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Marissa

Guy: Dude, I’ve totally had girls ask me to give them bloody noses before sex.

–5th St between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: MMS

Girl: There were these spiders on her so the guy she was with gave her a good beating all over.

–1 train

Overheard by: arachnophile

Stormtrooper: Man, I can’t even move in this thing.

Star Wars geek #1: They said no dueling.
Star Wars girlfriend: No lightsaber duels?
Star Wars geek #2: No, the’re no lightsaber dueling in the theater.
Star Wars geek #1: But they’re dueling.
Star Wars girlfriend: Yeah, but he’s Yoda.

Lady: Look, I’ve been saving this seat since Attack of the Clones.

Dude: Cool lightsaber.
Dork: Thanks.
Dude: Where’d you get it? Geek.com?
Dork: No. Borders.

–Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street

Nerd: At this point, my expectations are so low, as long as Darth Vader’s in it and a lot of people get killed, I’ll be happy.

–Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Fanboy: That was great. Now all we need is the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to erase the first two.

–Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street

Overheard by: Jaybill McCarthy

Queer on cell: … And all this blood came out! It was really a lot… What? No, I told him to go in the bathroom and get cleaned up! Turkish prison? … No, I get it, it’s just not funny.

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Manhattman

Flight attendant: Folks, we do ask if you have a turkey sandwich that you put some mustard on it and hand it to me as I walk down the aisle… Not funny? Oh, I thought it was.

–Jet Blue Flight 32 to Rochester, NY

Little girl to father: Everything in here is old and looks funny.

–Museum of Natural History

Guy: It wasn’t funny until he hurt himself — then it was fucking hilarious.

–Subway station, 28th & Park

Blonde: I’m not, like, racist or anything. I just think racism is really funny!

–Broadway

Overheard by: Homeless Guy

Film Nazi: The Holocaust did give us some good movies.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Tom and Katie

Suit on cell : And they were playing loud Nazi music.

–Lincoln Center

Hip dude on cell, very casually: Sieg heil, my friend, sieg heil.

–Queens.

Girl: If it's about the Holocaust, it's going to get me hard… Not where I was going with that.

–55th & 3rd

Overheard by: seeareuh

Anorexia on cell: Oh, she died? From what?…Oh, that’s horrible. Well, everyone has to die somehow.

–Coffee shop, Madison & 79th

Overheard by: Julz

Cab driver: Are you trying for die, bitch?

–Taxi, Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Aaron Brumer

Girl on cell: …and they took me to a psychic and the psychic said I’m, like, dead inside and that I have nothing going for me.

–Broadway & Broome

Guy: I’ll tell you what: I’ll kill myself, you don’t have to bother.

–47th & 5th

Woman on cell: Girl, you know I only gotta do two things: stay black and die. And I’m doing that real well. Staying black, I mean.

–Karavas Place ladies’ room, W. 4th Street

Girl: Oh, so I forgot to tell you about my ex who died last year. He drowned…this is a good story.

–World Financial Center

Angry man yelling into pay phone: Do you know what extortion is? Yeah? Well, it’s not nice.

–Polish resturant, Brooklyn Heights

Bus driver: To all the nice people who didn’t curse at the bus driver, thank you.

–Bx 8 bus

Overheard by: You’re Welcome

Woman collecting money for Coalition for the Homeless: Now, you have a nice day, sir! I don’t wanna tell you have a nice day, because you’re a horrible person! You should be giving me money, but you ain’t and you’re going to hell! But I’m a good person, so I’m going to say have a nice day anyway! Have a nice day, ladies. Shalom!

–42nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Michelle Smith

Homely redhead: I started dating this new guy, and that’s really good because I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. We’ve been on two dates and he’s married and he’s really nice.

–60th & 5th

Dude: He’s a nice guy. If you cross him he’ll tie your ears together and slingshot boxes of wine in your face.

–Bleecker

Chick: She is a nice girl! Completely crazy.

–67th St stop, Queens

A car, stuck in traffic behind a garbage truck starts blowing its horn loudly and insistently. A nicely dressed lady shouts: Shut the fuck up, you moron! Haven’t you ever seen a garbage truck before? Fucking moron tourists.

–W. 4th & Perry

Bouncer: Next white boy lays hands on me, I’m gonna fuck him up.

–West 3rd & MacDougal

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Girl on cell: Yeah, well tell her I hope she gets a bladder infection!

–Hot Bagels, Staten Island

Overheard by: Renee

Chef: As much as I like her, if she raises her voice at me one more time, I’m gonna fucking smack her.

–Park Slope

Old guy: Move, you drug addicted heathens! You’re all a bunch of sinners. Polluters!

–50th & 6th

Overheard by: Jeff Rigby

Man on cell: Dude, why did we draw straws this morning?…Do you have any idea how much cat food costs?! That was my rent money!…Well, kick out the new guy!

–Union Square Park

A guy waiting to turn left across traffic leans out the window to scream at the clueless Ohio driver who is not moving in front of him: Hey Cleveland! That’s the only shade of green we got!

–57th & Park

Overheard by: Joan Quinn

Chick on cell: Damn old ladies. Like, maybe Gandhi was wrong and the answer really is punching people in the face?

–D’Agostino’s, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: djlindee

Black lady to coworker: Girl, I got me a real bad paper cut this afternoon. Hurt like a bitch! I swears, a real bad paper cut hurts more than actually being stabbed.

–M3 bus

Overheard by: Mooka

Chick on cell: I can’t decide if I want to fuck you or push you into oncoming traffic on the BQE.

–51st & Lex

Young girl to young guy: I don’t know you yet, so you can’t hit.

–Union Square

Overheard by: So happy to have finally overheard something worth submitting!

Guy on cell: Yeah, I got a fuckin’ ass whoopin’ for him on lay away, though.

–36th & 8th

Overheard by: Jenn

Crotchety old man: The best part was when his daughter stabbed him in the neck with scissors.

–Outside AMC, Times Square

Overheard by: Max Wastler

Woman on train yelling to one who didn’t make it: I’m still not giving the baby back!

–1 train

Overheard by: ana

Pregnant teen: Yeah, I smoked weed with her, and the next thing I heard she had a crack baby…

–6 train

Overheard by: Hoping her baby isn’t a crackhead…

Hipster on cell: So, how’s your baby? What? Oh, I heard you got knocked up!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Evan

Bus driver to another: … And I was like, ‘How do you forget your baby on the bus?!’

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Elliott

Woman: Oh my god, I was in the other elevator and this lady was going in with a crib. I didn’t know she had a baby! So I stepped in front of her and the crib thing… I totally was in my own world and didn’t mean it, but they kicked me out of that elevator, so now I’m here.

–Crowded elevator, BPC South End Ave

Chick to friend: If she had never aborted that baby me and him woulda never got together, ’cause I don’t fuck with niggas with kids. Fuck that shit.

–L train, Montrose Ave stop

Overheard by: Emily

Guy #1: Get out of the way! You’re in the walking lane and
people are trying to pass.
Guy #2: What walking lane? Only an idiot would walk on an elevator. People who walk are idiots.
Guy #1: This is called an escalator.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Nicole Victoria

Girl: Let’s take the stairs.
Guy: But the stairs are so…leg-oriented.

–Tisch School of the Arts

Guy: It’s like a conveyor belt for miserable people.

–Penn Station