Younger black man with suitcase: I just want you all to know that I am getting on the train with a suspicious package.
Older black man, not looking up from his newspaper: Nigga, that is the stupidest thing you could have said.
–Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: observing on the 1
Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.
–Brooklyn
Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?
–Bowling Green Station
Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!
–Union Square
Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!
–Outside Starbucks
Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?
–Q Train
Overheard by: Robert G.
Young hipster guy to hobo: I hate to ask, but do you mind if I bum a cigarette from you?
–Prince St
Overheard by: Kristen W.
Flight attendant on PA: We’d like to remind you that this is a non-smoking service to London, but passengers are permitted to smoke outside the cabin at any point during the flight.
–British Airways Flight to Heathrow
Crazy man: Smoking leads directly to prostitution!
–66th & Broadway
Overheard by: voluptuousgrl
Dude: I’ve been smoking since I came out of my mom’s cooch.
–Hop Scotch Cafe
Woman with raspy voice: Man, cigarettes are so expensive now. When I started smoking, it was only a $1.25 a pack. Unless I bought them off my mom, she only charged 75 cents a pack.
–4 Train, Union Square
Overheard by: Christine
Mom to seven-year-old son: Come on, let’s go out for a cigarette. (looks around nervously at other audience members) Well, not that you smoke.
–Intermission, Rent
Conductor on PA: 34th Street next, stand clear of the closing doors.
Hobo, to self: 34th? You could get killed!
–A Train
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Harassed mother to four-year-old: Max, can we pleeaase just take a cab, it's too cold to wait for a bus!
Four-year-old: No! Cabs make me feel sick!
–Union Square
Overheard by: cherrypips
Man reading book: Oh, what stop is this?
Man exiting train: 96th Street. By the way, you really do have the most beautiful hands and fingers I’ve ever seen.
Man reading book: Oh, thanks.
–96th St station
Elevator operator: What floor, please?
Old lady: Home, James.
–Metropolitan Museum of Art
Southern tourist in pink pants: I don’t see anybody else wearing pink pants around here!
–73rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Girl on cell, wearing leggings and a t-shirt: Oh, shit, I forgot to put on pants again.
–Columbia University
Lady in corner stall: Damn, I done sweated through my pants!
–Restroom, 1 Liberty Plaza
Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me!
–Columbia University
Overheard by: bih.
Thug: I’m the only playa in the hood with his pants on his waist!
–10th & Ave B
Overheard by: Kayla K
Conductor over intercom: Attention, all crew members! Be sure you have your pants! Hey, Larry, you got yo’ pants?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Geologist
Bimbette: Yeah, me and Beyoncé is friends on MySpace. She invites me to all the hot events, like her concerts and parties. She even bulletins me.
Boyfriend: For real?
Bimbette: Yeah, we’s like best friends.
–Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: Is not friends with Beyonce :(
Frat tourist guy: Hey! I just hailed a New York City cab!
New Yorker, jumping into cab: I just stole your cab!
–Bleecker & Hudson
Overheard by: sean
