Guidos

Wednesday One-Liners Are the New Black

Guido: I love these jeans. They’re so comfy-womfy.

–R train, Court St

Teen girl: Tissues are so overrated. That’s what long-sleeved shirts are for. That’s why no one wears short-sleeved shirts!

–TGIFriday, 42nd St

Conductor: Down coats are very poofy. Please pull them in from the doors.

–Crowded F train

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

Puking guy, using hat to catch his vomit: I don’t think I’m ever gonna be able to wear this hat again. It was a good hat.

–A train

Overheard by: Joseph

Teen girl, about gift for boyfriend: Can you imagine me getting him a sweater that’s too small and going, ‘Oh, it’s too small? I’ll take it!’

–R train

Chick: She was a tasteful goth… but she was wearing a cape.

–4th & Lafayette

Eat Some Wednesday One-liners

Nylon sweat suit guy: I need a nice homecooked meal. I think I’m gonna go to Tad’s.

–50th & 6th

Blonde: I don’t diet. I just eat moderately.

–Maggie’s, 47th & Madison

Happy Father’s and Deadbeat’s Day II

Guido kid: I wish that dad was here.
Guido kid’s mom: I do too, because the fat fuck owes me a thousand dollars

–Penn Station, NJ Transit

Overheard by: waiting for his 6:14 train

His Morning Wood Is a Bonsai

Big Guido, yelling at female bystanders after minor traffic accident: Why don’t you shut the fuck up and get something to do… go suck a dick somewhere!
Woman bystander: Well, I’d suck you if you weren’t so small…

–55th & Madison

Overheard by: kerstin

Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick!

–W. 59th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Alexandra

Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job!

–Brooklyn

20 something blonde on cell: … Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it’s different every time, like it almost disappears… Then another time its all swinging and shit… Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mumbles.]

–LIRR

Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt!

–Chelsea

Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.

–16th & 9th

Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don’t know how to get his attention.

–A Train

Overheard by: Why MoMa?

Warning: Watching Hitch Has Been Shown to Cause Suicide in Laboratory Animals

Guido #1: What’re you doin’ tonight?
Guido #2: Goin’ to a movie wit my girl.
Guido #1: Mm.
Guido #2: Goin’ to see Hitch.
Guido #3: Hitch? Isn’t that a chick flick?
Guido #2: I said my girl asked me to take her to a movie.
Guido #3: Oh. Alright.
Guido #2: I ain’t seein’ the fuckin’ movie by myself.

–R train

Overheard by: bluesdog

Someone Needs to Put That on a T-shirt

Queer: Want to apologize to everyone who you cut in front of?
Chick: Fuck you!
Queer: Ew! Well anyway, we hope you had a good time in there.
Chick: Fuck all of you!
Queer: You probably took a shit in there, didn’t you? I bet you did! Fat girls are always shitting!

–Slipper Room, Orchard Street

Guido on cell: Yeah, there was bitches dancin’ on the bar and shit…No, no, my fingers is cold…
Bag lady: Fuck your fingers! I ain’t got shoes on, ya dumb twink!

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: Fish the Magish

Dude: What about him?
Chick: “Oh, hell no. I ain’t no fattybanger!

–Union Square station

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Now’s the Time to Clarify These Things

Guido: I like my women a little more, shall we say, feminine.
Trannie: Yeah, I’ve got balls.

–LIRR, 6 AM

Overheard by: eileen

If Only at Life

Guido #1, in drunken sing-songy voice: Yan-kees suuuuck! Yan-kees suuuuck!
Guido #2: They win a lot!

–Train, Penn Station

Overheard by: jalabi99

What’s the Point of Even Going There If We Have to Behave?

Guido teen #1: I’m serious, you do not want to go to jail in Europe!
Guido teen #2: For reals — they’re, like, mad strict over there…
Guido teen #1: Damn…

–42nd St, Astoria

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