Wednesday Hearts One‐Liners

White trash woman to angry boyfriend: Stop! I’m in my car and I love myself! I love myself! Fuck you if you don’t love yourself! Tyra says to love yourself, and I love myself!

–49^th & 11^th

Conductor: Passengers, as you all know the New Haven line is known as the Love Line, because of our red colors and red schedules. For Valentine’s Day why not buy a loved one a ticket? Nothing says “I love you” like a Metro North ticket! Imagine the look on your mother‐in‐law’s face when she opens up her present to find a one way trip to Manhattan!

–Metro North Train

Sorority girl: And this is a list of all the girls who love Jell‑o.

–St. John’s University

Overheard by: Peter G

Guy on Bluetooth: What did I say? I said I love you and you didn’t fucking say anything back. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

–Jackson Heights

Excited black guy to friend: Damn! I think I’m in love, she’s like the whole package! She’s pretty, she’s fuckable, and she can cook!

–A Train

Overheard by: Tim

Little boy leaving the church: Bye, Jesus! I love you!

–Riverside Church

Overheard by: Stephanie

Posted on April 14, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Beauty, Black People, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, College, Colors, Conductors, Food, Friends, Gifts, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Jesus, Kids, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Psychology, Public Transportation, Questions, Sorority Girls, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, White Trash

If He Gives a Shit about Cards, He Is

Girl trying to find a card for her boyfriend: See, this one is too girly. And this one is more boyish and really nice… but it’s so sparkly!
Dude: Well, there are many sparkleful guys out there. Maybe your boyfriend is one.

–Hallmark Store, Staten Island Mall

Posted on November 9, 2022
Gifts, Girlfriends, Staten Island

Now That’s Diversity

Black girl #1: I told all my white friends that I would be offended if they didn’t get me a Kwanzaa present.
Black girl #2: What? I told all my white friends that I would be offended if they did get me a Kwanzaa present.

–Union Square

Posted on August 8, 2022
Black People, Gifts, Race, Union Square and East Village

Or the Email I Sent You. Or the Registered Letter

Girl: Dad, I know what we are getting mom for Hanukkah.
Dad: What?
Girl: New mascara, hers is getting lumpy.
Dad: I think she deserves more than that.
Girl: If you want to see what I want, you can look at the folder on my desktop.

–86^th & 3^rd Ave

Posted on March 10, 2022
Advice, Dads, Default, Gifts, Girls, Holidays, Judaism, Upper East Side, Wishes & desires

And I Wanted Him to Shave Me

Guy: You bought your boyfriend swords?
Girl: We had just started going out.

–NY Comic Con, Javits Center

Overheard by: Kevin Frost

Posted on November 7, 2020
Bimbettes, Buildings, Dating, Friends, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Weirdness

“What What (In the Wednesday One‐Liner)”

Girl to teenage posse: Either the pen was really weak or his butt was really strong.

–Jackson Heights, Queens

Overheard by: Newsbunny doesn’t want to know

Crazy guy to self, after average woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I’d eat a sandwich out that ass!

–36^th & Broadway

Overheard by: Dingleberry

Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt magazines…

–34^th & 8^th

Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It’s like your ass is gift wrapped!

–33^rd & 7^th

Older woman to younger woman: If your booty deserves the credit, give it the credit!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Credit!

Posted on August 8, 2020
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Crazies, Fat People, Food, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Pop Culture, Queens, Street, Teens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

The Angel Of Death Had Difficulty Sustaining Friendships

Suit #1: So I said to them “happy anniversary, here’s your cemetery plot.“
Suit #2 (astonished): What? You really bought them cemetery plots for their anniversary?
Suit #1: Yeah. I knew he was gonna drop soon, so I bought them.
Suit #2: Well, I guess it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: LF

Posted on March 17, 2020
Birthdays, Death, Gifts, Grand Central, Suits, Weirdness

What Happens to Hugh Hefner’s Exes, 20 Years Later

Girl #1: Wow, the Easter Bunny stuffed animals are on sale.
Girl #2: Let’s buy some for your sister.
Crazy lady: You can buy one bunny. You can buy lots of bunnies! And then they’ll take you away!

–Duene Reade

Overheard by: Bunny Attack?

Posted on November 15, 2019
Animals & Nature, Crazies, Crazy, Duane Reade, Gifts, Girls, Shopping, Weirdness, Women

This Just Prepares Them For Wives of Their Own

Mother, to her kids: Now here’s what you do ‑you go into the store, give the receipt to the cashier, and buy something else.
[Kids leave.]Mother, to herself: You are not getting me a mop for mother’s day, no sir.

–6^th Ave

Overheard by: J.R.

Posted on September 19, 2019
Default, Gifts, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Shopping

Life Is Like a Box of Wednesday One‐Liners…

Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don’t even wanna live in it!

–F Train

Overheard by: LC

Conductor, over intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is overbooked. That’s just the way things are. Life is unfair.

–Amtrak Train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have never tired of hearing the word “vagina”. That time has passed.

–Staten Island Supreme Court

Conductor: Watch your step as you exit the train, and if you’re late, just remember that life is a lot like being on this train: we may not be there yet, but we’re getting there.

–2 Train

Overheard by: can this conductor drive my train every day please?

Posted on February 9, 2019
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Conductors, Gifts, Gripes, Home, Sweet Home, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Staten Island, Subway conductors, Suits, Time, Trains Not Subway, Vagina, Words

Gifts