Gifts

White trash woman to angry boyfriend: Stop! I’m in my car and I love myself! I love myself! Fuck you if you don’t love yourself! Tyra says to love yourself, and I love myself!

–49th & 11th

Conductor: Passengers, as you all know the New Haven line is known as the Love Line, because of our red colors and red schedules. For Valentine’s Day why not buy a loved one a ticket? Nothing says “I love you” like a Metro North ticket! Imagine the look on your mother‐in‐law’s face when she opens up her present to find a one way trip to Manhattan!

–Metro North Train

Sorority girl: And this is a list of all the girls who love Jell‑o.

–St. John’s University

Overheard by: Peter G

Guy on Bluetooth: What did I say? I said I love you and you didn’t fucking say anything back. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

–Jackson Heights

Excited black guy to friend: Damn! I think I’m in love, she’s like the whole package! She’s pretty, she’s fuckable, and she can cook!

–A Train

Overheard by: Tim

Little boy leaving the church: Bye, Jesus! I love you!

–Riverside Church

Overheard by: Stephanie

Girl trying to find a card for her boyfriend: See, this one is too girly. And this one is more boyish and really nice… but it’s so sparkly!
Dude: Well, there are many sparkleful guys out there. Maybe your boyfriend is one.

–Hallmark Store, Staten Island Mall

Black girl #1: I told all my white friends that I would be offended if they didn’t get me a Kwanzaa present.
Black girl #2: What? I told all my white friends that I would be offended if they did get me a Kwanzaa present.

–Union Square

Girl: Dad, I know what we are getting mom for Hanukkah.
Dad: What?
Girl: New mascara, hers is getting lumpy.
Dad: I think she deserves more than that.
Girl: If you want to see what I want, you can look at the folder on my desktop.

–86th & 3rd Ave

Guy: You bought your boyfriend swords?
Girl: We had just started going out.

–NY Comic Con, Javits Center

Overheard by: Kevin Frost

Girl to teenage posse: Either the pen was really weak or his butt was really strong.

–Jackson Heights, Queens

Overheard by: Newsbunny doesn’t want to know

Crazy guy to self, after average woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I’d eat a sandwich out that ass!

–36th & Broadway

Overheard by: Dingleberry

Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt magazines…

–34th & 8th

Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It’s like your ass is gift wrapped!

–33rd & 7th

Older woman to younger woman: If your booty deserves the credit, give it the credit!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Credit!

Suit #1: So I said to them “happy anniversary, here’s your cemetery plot.“
Suit #2 (astonished): What? You really bought them cemetery plots for their anniversary?
Suit #1: Yeah. I knew he was gonna drop soon, so I bought them.
Suit #2: Well, I guess it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: LF

Girl #1: Wow, the Easter Bunny stuffed animals are on sale.
Girl #2: Let’s buy some for your sister.
Crazy lady: You can buy one bunny. You can buy lots of bunnies! And then they’ll take you away!

–Duene Reade

Overheard by: Bunny Attack?

Mother, to her kids: Now here’s what you do ‑you go into the store, give the receipt to the cashier, and buy something else.
[Kids leave.]Mother, to herself: You are not getting me a mop for mother’s day, no sir.

–6th Ave

Overheard by: J.R.

Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don’t even wanna live in it!

–F Train

Overheard by: LC

Conductor, over intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is overbooked. That’s just the way things are. Life is unfair.

–Amtrak Train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have never tired of hearing the word “vagina”. That time has passed.

–Staten Island Supreme Court

Conductor: Watch your step as you exit the train, and if you’re late, just remember that life is a lot like being on this train: we may not be there yet, but we’re getting there.

–2 Train

Overheard by: can this conductor drive my train every day please?