Twin sister #1, indignantly: I tried to get him the least sexual plant I could find. I mean, a cactus, how much less sexual could you get?
Twin sister #2, thoughtfully: You really can't get any less sexual than a cactus.
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Zora
Little boy: When will it be Hanukkah?
Dad: Not for a while.
Little boy: But I'm begging you for Hanukkah.
Dad: You got some time until it's Hanukkah, buddy.
Little boy: Now you'll never get me a present!
Dad: (begins to leave with the little boy)
Little boy: I am not moving until it's Hanukkah!
–Bagel Shop, The Village
Overheard by: wilpon
Guy associate: I mean, I saw the picture; how dangerous could it
really be?
Girl associate: Well, it would be pretty terrible to die on your
honeymoon. I mean, what’s the protocol for that? Do you get to keep
the wedding gifts? Send them back?
–Law Firm, 59th & Lexington
Mother: And I got you some of those little erasers that look like potpies and sushi and stuff, apparently all the kids collect them and trade them these days.
Daughter: Mom, you are aware that I'm 23?
–Penn Station
Old lady: Do you have gift cards here?
Employee: Yes, we do.
Old lady: Can I get one for Best Buy?
–Barnes & Noble, Whitestone, Queens
Frat boy: You know what I should get you for your birthday?
Girlfriend: What?
Frat boy: A funnel.
Girlfriend: A funnel?
Frat boy: Yeah, a funnel. So you can piss in a corner.
Girlfriend: I could also use it to funnel beer!
Frat boy: You'd have to wash it first.
–Starbucks, Astor Place
Tween thugette #1, at a cologne display: I'ma get this for him for Christmas, cause he a homo! He a hydrogenate!
Tween thugette #2: No, he ugly!
–Target, Atlantic Center
Overheard by: Ashley
20-something guy on cell: My girlfriend's birthday is tomorrow. (pause) I don't know. Maybe a bong.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Steve Popovich
Girl to friend: I just wanted to hook up with him because we had the same birthday.
–8th St & 5th Ave
Rent cast member (shouting over shoulder): I turn 34 on Friday, I'm old but at least I made it past Jesus.
–Nederlander Theatre
Woman arguing loudly with her mother in the laundromat: My 30th birthday is gonna be ruined if we don't go to the wax museum!
–4th Ave & 14th St, Brooklyn
Guy handing out New York Post: Grab your free copy of New York Post, it's free, it's free! Oh, and happy birthday to me today, thank you very much for remembering it! Oh, what a lovely day…
–42nd & Madison
Overheard by: Eve
Girl: I need to get something for my boyfriend for valentine’s day. I’m thinking of some panties and an outfit from Victoria’s Secret. What do you think?
Boy: That’s nice. I like dirty panties. Hanes tighty whities for women. I like them real dirty and crusty lookin’, like she just rolled around in some shit.
Girl: You nasty! What’s wrong with you?
Boy: Don’t be hatin’, that’s what I like.
–R Train
Overheard by: Chris
Man introducing lady friend to pal: This is Lucille, my ex-wife… She’s my second cousin… She was also my second wife.
–136th St, Harlem
Middle-aged woman: I have such a bad memory! I know, I know. I know. There are times I go to my daughter, ‘How do I spell my name?’
–D train
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Loud woman on cell: She’s evil! Don’t you know she killed mama? That’s the family secret!
–Q83 bus
Overheard by: It’s Jady, BiTChesss!!
Guy talking on cell: I completely understand that she was pissed off, but I mean, come on! She did hit her sister in the head with an iron!
–11th Ave
Lady: So, I bought my niece a gift. I don’t know why… She’s such an ungrateful little bitch.
–Grand Central
Man on cell: … So she said, ‘There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’m just gonna say it… You have a four-year-old son.’
–26th & Park
Overheard by: Nick
