Concert-goer to friend: … And then she told me, ‘I had a shitty birthday, but what do you expect? I’m dating a pirate!’ And I said, ‘He’s not a pirate, he’s a douchebag! You’re dating a douchebag!’

–Beacon Theatre, 75th & Broadway

Woman to friend: I don’t know what to get him for his birthday. Do you know what he gave me for my birthday? An ulcer.

–A train, between 59th & 42nd

Chick: He gave me a laptop for my birthday… And we haven’t even had sex yet!

–Sol y Sombra

Yuppie on cell: I think because of the mental state I was in that really doesn’t count as cheating. Plus, it was my birthday, so technically it never happened, therefore I didn’t fuck up or do anything wrong, therefore nothing ever happened to begin with, therefore you have no reason to complain, therefore you are still my girlfriend.

–14th St & E 1st Ave

Overheard by: Adrienne

Guy #1: Yesterday I made some Valentines for my coworkers, and I made up little poems to go in them, to make them extra personal.
Guy #2: Like what?
Guy #1: “Roses are red, violets are blue, your cat chewed on my dick for a little bit, but I didn't know how to tell you.”
Guy #2: Did you get any Valentines back?
Guy #1: No.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Emily Kidd

Bottle blonde: Eww, listen to this: he asked me to have a threesome for his birthday.
Natural blonde: So are you going to do it?
Bottle blonde: Ewwwie! No.
Natural blonde: Yeah…that wouldn't be too fabulous.

–Washington Square Park

Very Straight Guy: Hey, it’s not like I’m giving Ellen DeGeneres a claddagh ring!

–Jeremy’s Ale House

Overheard by: Megan Buckley

Man: What do you give a 16 year old Republican besides a kick in the teeth?

–Barnes & Nobles, Park Slope

Guy to friend: Remember that chick I told you about who told me that I could smell her cum?

–City Hall New York Sports Club

Latina girl on cell: Didn't Nick get you that phone? (pause) No, not really… (pause) Cause I'm spoiled. (pause) That's not true, I spoil you, boy… I got you that perfume. It smells real nice, actually not that nice. It smells like granny… It smells like abuelita!

–Union Square

Teeny Asian lady on cell, screaming at the top of her lungs: Sniff it! Sniff it! Sniff it! Sniff it! Sniff it! Sniff it!

–23rd St

Overheard by: Ladle

20-something hipster girl to friend, after running to catch the subway: I think this is the r… It smells like the r.

–R Train

20-something girl to friend: You smell good, but I smell better.

–Bond St

20-something woman on cell: I fuck you, I get dinner. He fucks you, he gets a house!

–Washington Square

Girl: Earthquakes come every ten years, and it's not that bad. It's not like your house goes down or something.

–Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: mia

Excited kindergartner: We played house and then we played going to the co-op!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Elderly man to another: People are gonna kill people, they just need to do it in their own house.

–Austin St & 77th Ave

20-something: So yeah, we used to hang out in elementary school. He'd come over my house, kinda like a "whose cock is bigger?" kinda thing.


Overheard by: AnnaBanana

Bar guy #1: Wow, we gotta thank Jeff for all of this.
Bar guy #2: Yeah, we'll give him a blowjob later.


Overheard by: EchoNYC

Girl #1: You still haven't told me what you want for Christmas.
Girl #2: I don't know, um, I like books…
Girl #1: You like books, or you like reading books?

–F Train

Overheard by: Heidi

Girl on cell: You told me that bitch was dead, but I just saw her in Key Food.


Middle school girl: No, he wasn't dead, but you'll never guess what happened.

–Penn Station

Man on phone: No! No! Do you hear me!? Listen! It's time to die!

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: J Harmony

Man on cell: I went back into the room 30 minutes later and he was still breathing! What are we going to do?

–8th & 34th

Overheard by: Bret B

Adorable three-year-old girl to mother: When I die you can have all of my shiny stuff!

–Uptown A Train

Overheard by: The Green Cat