Fat People

Make Womb for Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on phone: I don't think she knows. (pause) But it's just a night job! (pause) No, there's no way I'm pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I'm a man, goddammit!

–Starbucks

Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?

–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road

Overheard by: Erica S

Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat!

–M100 Bus

Overheard by: Tinathetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken Paprocki

And Prickly

Mom: Let’s take the stairs, honey.
Thick daughter: Are you saying I’m fat?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Jason

Because Obama Totally Seems Like the Type Of Guy Who Listens to Rap

Obese black man #1 playing loud obscene rap song: What she looking at? (points to two old Russian women at the front of bus) Man, these white people. Don't they know this is a free fuckin' country?
Obese black man #2: Yeah, I'm tellin you, now that Obama's elected, white people are gonna know what the fuck's up.

–Q63 Bus

Overheard by: filemeunder

To-Do List: Continue Sit-Ups. Refine Chitchat.

Fat creepster: Where you goin’, girl?
Terrified blonde: … Home?
Fat creepster: Have a nice cunt! Oh, day! I mean ‘day’!

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: Freudian Slip

Readers: Answer this Big Question

Guy on cell: What, you thought they were going to let fat people into the club?

–N train

Fat Lady Weight Loss Tip #457: Talk about Colonics

BBW: She had her first colonic when she was twelve.

–Brooklyn Heights

She Stopped Eating the Granulated Kind Straight from the Bag

Zaftig female usher: I’m trying so hard to lose weight, but I’m having the hardest time!
Obese female usher: You have to cut out sugar. That’s what I do.

–Avenue Q, Golden Theatre

That’s Including the Rocks in Her Head

Woman #1: This train goes really fast!
Woman #2: They don’t run it as often, I think because they’re afraid people might jump in front of it.
Woman #1: Oh my god! Who could be that depressed? Take some pills, for Christ’s sake.
Woman #2: I’m surprised it’s such a problem here, I mean, duh, you got all these tall buildings.
Woman #1: Well, any building–
Woman #2: No, you gotta go up at least 17 stories to be sure, otherwise you just end up in a wheelchair which is, duh, super-depressing.
Woman #1: 17 stories!
Woman #2: Maybe 15 for you, you weigh more than me.

–4 train

You Can't Judge a Wednesday by Its One-Liner

College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I've ever seen!

–Borders, Time Warner Center

Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we're calling him L-train.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Harker

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I'm reading. It's off the hook! They're sending in this undercover agent, and I think it's his sister, but he's all getting ready to have sex with her!

–White Castle, 36th & 8th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!

–Union Square

Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, "Don't take her to McDonald's!"

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Laura

Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl's shoulder: I read your book and really liked it… lotta pissing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

It's Even Hard for Grownups to Grasp

Obese black woman, explaining 9/11 to seven-year-old daughter: We talk about this every day, honey. The ending's not gonna change.
Daughter: They put up the flag up after? Didn't it get dirty?
Obese black woman: Well, they kinda had more important things to deal with. They didn't have a washing machine there.

–R Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

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