Fat People

That’s Including the Rocks in Her Head

Woman #1: This train goes really fast!
Woman #2: They don’t run it as often, I think because they’re afraid people might jump in front of it.
Woman #1: Oh my god! Who could be that depressed? Take some pills, for Christ’s sake.
Woman #2: I’m surprised it’s such a problem here, I mean, duh, you got all these tall buildings.
Woman #1: Well, any building–
Woman #2: No, you gotta go up at least 17 stories to be sure, otherwise you just end up in a wheelchair which is, duh, super-depressing.
Woman #1: 17 stories!
Woman #2: Maybe 15 for you, you weigh more than me.

–4 train

You Can't Judge a Wednesday by Its One-Liner

College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I've ever seen!

–Borders, Time Warner Center

Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we're calling him L-train.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Harker

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I'm reading. It's off the hook! They're sending in this undercover agent, and I think it's his sister, but he's all getting ready to have sex with her!

–White Castle, 36th & 8th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!

–Union Square

Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, "Don't take her to McDonald's!"

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Laura

Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl's shoulder: I read your book and really liked it… lotta pissing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

It's Even Hard for Grownups to Grasp

Obese black woman, explaining 9/11 to seven-year-old daughter: We talk about this every day, honey. The ending's not gonna change.
Daughter: They put up the flag up after? Didn't it get dirty?
Obese black woman: Well, they kinda had more important things to deal with. They didn't have a washing machine there.

–R Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Or If We Were an Alien Race That Mated Through Our Hands

Short, fat, toothless-sounding woman: What we do is not disgraceful. There's nothing disgraceful about you.
Tall thin man, with boom box in hand: No.
Short, fat, toothless-sounding woman: There's nothing disgraceful about me.
Tall thin man: No.
Short, fat, toothless-sounding woman: It's the sin that's disgraceful. Us, holding hands, how we show our love, that's fine. It would be a whole different story if I wasn't married, but I am.

–Essex & Delancey

Overheard by: nb

So I Can Pour It Over Your Head

Tall man to fat woman (after pouring two glasses of water): You want a glass?
Fat woman: No, thanks.
Tall man: God told me to pour two glasses. He talks to me all the time.
Fat woman: Okay, if your god told you, I have to take it.

–Montefiore Medical Center

Overheard by: Juantanom Bay

Medsday One-Liners

Radiology nurse: I have been asked out before. But never while giving a barium enema!

–Radiology Medical Office, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Paper

Doctor on cell: I have to get oriented as to the location of those cadavers!

–3rd Ave, Near Cabrini Medical Center

Older doctor to younger doctor in a group: You actually tried to get a dermatology consultant to come in the middle of the night? That was pretty dumb. You know those guys wouldn't get out of their Shea butter body wraps unless the world was ending.

–Kings County Emergency Room

Suit to lady friend: If you really wanted to smoke crack you'd go to the hospital!

–Nassau St & Ann St

Overweight girl to female friend: Wanna play gynecologist?

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

American Booty Failed to Draw Crowds to Theaters

Large black woman sitting down on park bench: Oooh, my booty itchy!
Large black woman friend, sitting down with her: Ha ha! You talkin' bout “my booty itchy!”

–Avenue of the Americas & Canal

“What What (In the Wednesday One-Liner)”

Girl to teenage posse: Either the pen was really weak or his butt was really strong.

–Jackson Heights, Queens

Overheard by: Newsbunny doesn't want to know

Crazy guy to self, after average woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I'd eat a sandwich out that ass!

–36th & Broadway

Overheard by: Dingleberry

Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt magazines…

–34th & 8th

Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It's like your ass is gift wrapped!

–33rd & 7th

Older woman to younger woman: If your booty deserves the credit, give it the credit!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Credit!

Tom: It’s Not As Easy As You’d Think

Skinny girl: Well, what are you waiting for?
Chubby girl: I’m waiting for her to fuck Jerry!

–55th & 3rd

Overheard by: diana

The Last Line Works Better By Itself

Teen girl: Wow, look at the men’s room line and then look at the women’s room line. It’s so much longer.
Fat woman: Yeah. Shit, I’ll grow a penis.

–Shubert Theater, W. 44th Street

Overheard by: Emily G.

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