Lesbian #1: She told me they were having sex.
Lesbian #2: But what does she mean by sex? Do she mean like, fisting or with strap-ons, or what?
Lesbian #1: Well, she just came out, so I don’t think she knows yet.
–Bonnie’s Grill, Park Slope
Overheard by: Andrea
B&T Guy #1: It’s easy. All you gotta do is give her 20 bucks.
B&T Guy #2: Then she jerks you off after she’s done?
B&T Guy #1: I wish!
–Banshee Pub, 74th & 1st
Overheard by: Michael
Yuppie #1: …yeah, those girls don’t want just 20 bucks.
Yuppie #2: Yep, no such thing as free sex in Vietman.
–Maritime Hotel, 9th Ave.
Overheard by: Chaser
Guy #1: So does giving a guy a handjob make you gay?
Guy #2: If your wrist starts to hurt and you’re still jerking him off, then you’re gay.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Jack Roberts
Gangsta to friend: Yeah, so, she started jerkin' him off and instead of cum, man, it was blood!
Friend: Oh shit, nigga!
Gangsta: And then she got one of those knife sharpeners.
Friend: Fuck!
–189th & Belmont
Entrepreneur #1: We could have ice cream hands jobs.
Entrepreneur #2: Huh?
Entrepreneur #1: Yeah, two things everybody likes.
–Bleecker Street & Broadway
Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. [falls forward, taps stranger on forehead.] herro! Anybody home?! [laughs hysterically].
–Metro North
Drunk chick: Fuck technology, first it kills the bees, now it’s killing my ovaries!
–A Train
Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fingered me in the cab!
–A Train
Drunk preppy businessman: Just tell her to put the oil in the noodles and rub it all over the chest…
–33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: voluptuousgrl
Drunk girl in the bathroom, picking up plastic bag from the garbage: Whose baby is this?!?!
–Madison Square Garden Bathroom
Duane Reade cashier: Do you have a club card?
Crazy hobo: No, I don't have a club card. I work my way through this life. I don't need nobody doin' me no favors. A favor is like a handjob. I don't need one.
–Duane Reade
Black woman in trashy outfit: And he said "But the party just started, bitch, I'll take you in a few hours!" and I was like, "Nigga please! My water just broke!"
–Lower East Side
Asian bimbo on cell: I just spoke to Percy and allegedly they threw a party after we were fired, to celebrate us getting fired…but we're people too.
–181 & St Nicholas
Overheard by: must not have liked you
Hipster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the cobra snake at a party, with a cig in my hand and Paul* between my thighs.
–NYU Dorm
Overheard by: Dayn
Tattooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I'm bringing a 250-foot Slip 'N Slide!
–7th & 13th St
Overheard by: can I come to that party?
Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why didn't you invite to your party? Damn…c'mon! Remember that time the chick in a wheelchair was working us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheelchair! Remember we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That's right–that was me! She was giving us both head.
–BBQ Restroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea
20-something woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a handjob?
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Jazz
Girlfriend: I'm not feeling so good.
Boyfriend: Why? What's wrong?
Girlfriend: I feel queasy and dizzy.
Boyfriend: What if you were pregnant?
Girlfriend: By what? Immaculate conception? Or your finger?
–13th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: Biscuit-lover
Chick #1: Wow, you’re really good at that!
Chick #2: Eh, I think the trick is to start young.
Chick #3, looking worried: Handjobs?
Chick #2: Uh… No. Using chopsticks.
–New Big Wong Restaurant
