Hand-Jobs

Teenage girl #1 (talking about an upcoming exam): I plan on baking some cupcakes tonight and giving them to Mr Collins* to bribe him.
Teenage girl #2: Good plan… I plan on baking him a handjob.
Teenage girl #1: He seems like a cupcake kind of guy. And a handjob kind of guy.

–Brooklyn Friends School

Overheard by: sounds delicious

Guy: You used to give everybody handjobs.
Girl: I was the master. I didn’t know I was that good until I was giving them to everybody.

–Burp Castle, 7th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: I didn’t get one

Girl #1: That show was so good.
Girl #2: I know — some guy tried to finger me.
Girl #1: What?!
Girl #2: Yeah… He was dancing with his girlfriend and then he turned around and saw me. It was kinda nice…

–Terminal 5

Overheard by: Kelly

Skinny Spanish girl: That nigga was saying how he had me moaning and screaming, but I was like, “nigga, I’m just loud – that doesn’t mean you’re good!”

–Ft. Hamilton Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: also loud

Ghetto chick to friend: Yo…in my country, it’s illegal to not please your woman. You gotta fuck her till she begs you to stop.

–116th & 1st

Overheard by: DonnaRae

Man on phone: Yeah…I just fingerblasted her for like an hour. No big deal.

–E 4th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: intern2

Mom to teenage son: And I was like “sure, have sex in my bed, it never sees any.”

–Mercer & W 3rd

Girl on cell: Oh no, he’s back fucking his secretary now, so I’m like, completely free!

–East Village

20‐something on cell, after loud graphic sex tale: And don’t you be telling anyone! I don’t like strangers knowing my business.

–Express Bus to Brooklyn

Drunk guy #1: I’m fucked up, man.
Drunk guy #2: Not as screwed as me, right?
Sober guy: What do you mean?
Drunk guy #2: I can’t figure out whose freaking hand is down my pants!

–F train

Older gay #1: Do you jerk off a lot?
Older gay #2: Yeah…
Older gay #1: Do you ever jerk off alone?

–Chelsea Piers, near the public restrooms

Girl, 18, #1: …so Mikey and I were in the car and Annie came and opened the door and was like “Oops!” Cause we went to Germany.
Girl, 18, #2: Germany?
Girl, 18, #1: You know, “Jerk me” is like “Germany”. So we say we’re “going to Germany”.

–D train

Girl to friend: I think I just saw the guy I was with last night.
Friend: You gonna go say something to him?
Girl: No way! First he made me give him a handjob for like an hour, then he shot right in my eye. I think it’s still red.
Friend: Your eye or his cock?
Girl: Either way, no second date.

–Downtown 3 Train

Overheard by: hellokitty

Chelsea guy #1: Okay, it’s the next stop, we have to decide who’s having sex with him this time.
Chelsea guy #2: Not me, I had sex with him last time.
Chelsea guy #3: No! I had sex with him last time!
Chelsea guy #2: Whatever, that was just a hand job. It didn’t count.

–Uptown 1 Train

Drunk woman: Want to share an ooey‐gooey dessert?
Drunk man: If an ooey‐gooey dessert is a hand job…

–Brasserie Jacques Restaurant