Girl: Mom, how long do you think the turtle will live?
Mother: What do I look like, a fucking turtle connoisseur?
–Canal & West Broadway
Overheard by: David Kopach
Girl: Mom, how long do you think the turtle will live?
Mother: What do I look like, a fucking turtle connoisseur?
–Canal & West Broadway
Overheard by: David Kopach
Dude: Does the Parks Commission feed squirrels and pigeons?
Parks guy: No.
Dude: Why not?
Parks guy: Listen, I saw a pigeon drinking a Heineken the other day. I got no respect for pigeons.
–Madison Square Park
Driver: Hey man, are you a cab driver?
Cabbie: No, I’m a taxi driver.
–Cab, Astoria
Girl #1: …so we are at this audition and they ask us to step out and say what we like to do in our spare time. So this guy steps out and says “discussing philosophy”. I mean, how pretentious can you get?
Girl #2: Well, what did you expect him to say? “Getting my dick sucked by total strangers”?
–68th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Girl: Did you really fuck that other girl?
Guy: No, not really. She fucked me.
Girl: Oh okay. You’re really an asshole, you know that?
Guy: Sure.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Robert
Girl: So he comes in with this necklace that says, “I’m an asshole”. And I’m, like, how are you? And he says, “I’m an asshole.”
–15th & 8th
Overheard by: boswell
Guy: Wait. You lived 20 minutes from the Amish all the time…like they were there all the time?
Girl: Yeah. What do you mean?
Guy: I dunno. I thought they were out following the buffalo or something.
–Washington Square Diner, W. 4th Street
Dude: Hey, do you feed the polar bears?
Zoo guy: Uh, no.
Dude: Is it true that a polar bear can eat a frozen turkey in one bite?
Zoo guy: Uh, sure.
–outside Central Park Zoo
Crazy woman: Puh-scuse me! Puh-scuse me! Where your pussy products at?
Pharmacist guy: What?
Crazy woman: I said, where your pussy products at?
Pharmacist guy: Um, do you mean cat food?
–Duane Reade, 51st & 8th
Overheard by: Jennifer Farmwald
Guy on cell: Dude, I can’t give you a bottle. And he don’t got none, either…dude, I don’t mean no offense, but you know you’re a junkie type, right?…yeah, I hear ya…Fine. Maybe for $20 I can find you something.
–86th between Lexington & 3rd
Lady: So is that why he brought you a Xanax and a sandwich?
–Ludlow & Delancey
Overheard by: Michi Hollydale
Businesslady: I was a meth addict. You know, methadone. I didn’t inject it, though.
–Starbucks, 35th & 8th
Overheard by: wit and whimsy
Girl on cell: So like I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I told my parents that I was on drugs…which, of course, nothing could be further from the truth…yeah, I can blame them for reacting that way!
–77th & Lex
Chick on cell: …I know. He’s so generous with prescriptions. And I keep telling him, “I’m a real pill popper!”
–52nd & Madison
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
Chick: If you can get the perfect balance between alcohol and cocaine, then you’ve really hit your peak.
–15th & 5th
Overheard by: Lucy
Woman: So I had to figure out which was cheaper: the drugs or the rehab.
–Kate’s Joint, Avenue B
Queer: God it’s so gross! Gays in there lifting and just sweating all their drugs out…I just don’t go to the gym on mondays; it smells like chemicals!
–15th & 7th
Girl on cell: Yeah, they all call her Vitamin H, can you believe that?…No, no, it’s alcohol that’s the gateway drug. You only want to do coke after you drink.
–2nd Avenue & 10th Street
A family of Hasidic Jews–mother, father, 4 children–are on the boat. A young boy turns to his father and asks: Why do they have so many kids?
Father: Well, after World War II, they had to get their numbers back up.
–Statue of Liberty Ferry
Overheard by: Lux Garner
