Girl #1: …so we are at this audition and they ask us to step out and say what we like to do in our spare time. So this guy steps out and says “discussing philosophy”. I mean, how pretentious can you get?
Girl #2: Well, what did you expect him to say? “Getting my dick sucked by total strangers”?
–68th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Girl: Did you really fuck that other girl?
Guy: No, not really. She fucked me.
Girl: Oh okay. You’re really an asshole, you know that?
Guy: Sure.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Robert
Girl: So he comes in with this necklace that says, “I’m an asshole”. And I’m, like, how are you? And he says, “I’m an asshole.”
–15th & 8th
Overheard by: boswell
Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m wearing ahhh…a football jersey and Speedos.
–Houston & Allen
Overheard by: M!J
Girl: So what does that mean? I don’t know how to read him. And when he does all these sexual things for me and asks nothing in return, does that mean he loves me or that I will owe him in the future?
Guy: Cut it out already, bunny boiler!
–Hudson Hotel, West 58th Street
Girl #1: Oh, I never want to have sex when I feel fat.
Girl #2: But I feel fat and want to have sex tonight. I’m so conflicted!
Girl #1: Well, go home and take a laxative, it will make you feel better.
–Amsterdam & 68th
Girl #1: ‘Twas never a merry world since of two–
Girl #2: Oh, fuck! Start over. I forgot the vibrator.
–Broadway Residence Hall, Columbia University
Man on cell: Hey, I just got out of work and…wait…dude, are you having sex?…While I’m on the phone with you?…You…you’re having sex with Amy?…What would…you mean you think the fact that it’s Amy makes it all right to pick up the phone?…No! No! That makes it worse!
–2 train
Drunk guy #1: So yeah, I’m boning her and she starts to ovulate. I’ve made girls ovulate before but this chick went crazy.
Drunk guy #2: Ew, she got her period while you were doing her?
–Astoria
Hobo: What the fuck? Why’s the train so crowded? Used ta be between 9 and 5 the train’d be empty. Don’t anybody fucking have a job anymore?
–N train
Hobo: I had to go all over the goddamn world. Canarsie! Staten Island! Jersey City! Timbuktu!
–65th between 2nd & 3rd
Crazy hobo: I have closed my windows. I have pulled my curtains. I have put up my air conditioner…and now you will lock down block 340 like you will lock down every other block in the city of New York, the state of New York, the state of New Jersey, and to some extent Connecticut, but not all of Connecticut.
–4th Street & 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Squatporpoise
Drunk hobo: I have a lottery ticket. My father played the lottery every week. Must’ve had about a hundred fucking tickets. What if I find out I won and I’m on the subway? No one’s getting away. I’m taking down everyone’s number. We’re going to dinner. Your family too. No cousins.
–N train
Drunk hobo with megaphone: Don’t ride the trains! Those a-rabs are going to blow this thing up! It’s gonna be bloody! Those a-rabs and the black men from north Africa!
–A train
Old hobo: …and there’s a girl in the well. And he got a dog! You seen dat shit?
–34th & 7th
Overheard by: K-Na
Hobo: I ain’t got no money, but I got the honey, just for the women, not the men. And I ain’t no one minute man, ain’t no three minute man. I’m a one-hour man!
–4 train
Overheard by: eb
Asian guy #1: Everyone I know just goes to church to hook up.
Asian guy #2: I know! It’s like, “Hey, you like God, I like God, wanna get dirty?”
–Webster Hall, E. 11th Street
