Girl: So what does that mean? I don’t know how to read him. And when he does all these sexual things for me and asks nothing in return, does that mean he loves me or that I will owe him in the future?
Guy: Cut it out already, bunny boiler!
–Hudson Hotel, West 58th Street
Girl #1: Oh, I never want to have sex when I feel fat.
Girl #2: But I feel fat and want to have sex tonight. I’m so conflicted!
Girl #1: Well, go home and take a laxative, it will make you feel better.
–Amsterdam & 68th
Girl #1: ‘Twas never a merry world since of two–
Girl #2: Oh, fuck! Start over. I forgot the vibrator.
–Broadway Residence Hall, Columbia University
Man on cell: Hey, I just got out of work and…wait…dude, are you having sex?…While I’m on the phone with you?…You…you’re having sex with Amy?…What would…you mean you think the fact that it’s Amy makes it all right to pick up the phone?…No! No! That makes it worse!
–2 train
Drunk guy #1: So yeah, I’m boning her and she starts to ovulate. I’ve made girls ovulate before but this chick went crazy.
Drunk guy #2: Ew, she got her period while you were doing her?
–Astoria
Hobo: What the fuck? Why’s the train so crowded? Used ta be between 9 and 5 the train’d be empty. Don’t anybody fucking have a job anymore?
–N train
Hobo: I had to go all over the goddamn world. Canarsie! Staten Island! Jersey City! Timbuktu!
–65th between 2nd & 3rd
Crazy hobo: I have closed my windows. I have pulled my curtains. I have put up my air conditioner…and now you will lock down block 340 like you will lock down every other block in the city of New York, the state of New York, the state of New Jersey, and to some extent Connecticut, but not all of Connecticut.
–4th Street & 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Squatporpoise
Drunk hobo: I have a lottery ticket. My father played the lottery every week. Must’ve had about a hundred fucking tickets. What if I find out I won and I’m on the subway? No one’s getting away. I’m taking down everyone’s number. We’re going to dinner. Your family too. No cousins.
–N train
Drunk hobo with megaphone: Don’t ride the trains! Those a-rabs are going to blow this thing up! It’s gonna be bloody! Those a-rabs and the black men from north Africa!
–A train
Old hobo: …and there’s a girl in the well. And he got a dog! You seen dat shit?
–34th & 7th
Overheard by: K-Na
Hobo: I ain’t got no money, but I got the honey, just for the women, not the men. And I ain’t no one minute man, ain’t no three minute man. I’m a one-hour man!
–4 train
Overheard by: eb
Asian guy #1: Everyone I know just goes to church to hook up.
Asian guy #2: I know! It’s like, “Hey, you like God, I like God, wanna get dirty?”
–Webster Hall, E. 11th Street
Queer: That girl shows her tits for pizza. She’s like an heiress or something, but she’s also a hooker on Craigslist.
–Marie’s Crisis, Grove Street
Guy: You’re much prettier than some random girl I saw at the airport
yesterday.
–12 Chairs, Macdougal Street
Hipster guy: I have a sexual thing for zombies.
–4th & D
Man on cell: What do you mean, “you are deeply fucked”?
–St. Mark’s & 2nd
Overheard by: ljdes
Woman on cell: She looks like the kind of person who would giggle during sex.
–Christopher Street
Doorman: I feel sexy today!
–81st & CPW
Overheard by: Brad King
Black chick: Damn, girl! You know you be fly when the boys in the yarmulkes be checkin’ yo’ ass out!
–Broadway & 110th
Overheard by: Max Ravyn
Girl on cell: Mom, I don’t know what he’s supposed to have in his fridge, I usually don’t see anything but his sheets…
–75th & 3rd
Old lady: You were sexually active when you were 9?
–76th & 3rd
Overheard by: Pinsy
Chick: We think you should sleep with David.
Queer: We think he’s the kind of guy who’s really scrawny but has a real big cock.
–Lillie’s, Red Hook
Suit #1: I screwed one of the new piece of ass last night.
Suit #2: You mean the li’l one, the new one?
Suit #1: Yeah, Jen, the new girl on 15.
Suit #2: Dude, I just smashed her the other day at lunch! Are you fucking kidding me?
Suit #1: You’re clean, right?…’cause I’m going back for seconds.
–75th & Lexington
