Fat guy #1: So I go in and he’s like, “This definitely isn’t a fun job or anything. It’s not an exciting job. This isn’t one of those jobs where you going to be happy about coming into the office in the morning. This job isn’t, you know, you’re not going to learn anything at this job. But you’ll make a lot of money.”
Fat guy #2: Cool.
Fat guy #1: Yeah, so I can sell my soul, y’know? I’m like, “I’ll sell crack to kids if I could make a lot of money.”
–E train
Boy: Hey Grandma, do you have a map?
Grandma: No, not on me. A map of what?
Boy: Your eyes.
Grandma: My eyes? Why do you want a map of my eyes?
Boy: ’cause I keep getting lost in them.
–M23 bus
Overheard by: jessie
Woman: Is this your first child?
Man: Yes, why do you ask?
Woman: You sure act like it is.
Man: What does that have to do with you being rude and inconsiderate?
–Loews Lincoln Square, 68th Street
Overheard by: Frederic Guarino
A family of Hasidic Jews–mother, father, 4 children–are on the boat. A young boy turns to his father and asks: Why do they have so many kids?
Father: Well, after World War II, they had to get their numbers back up.
–Statue of Liberty Ferry
Overheard by: Lux Garner
Mommy: Here you go, eat your muffin.
Little girl: Mommy, Mommy, I’m peeing my pants.
Mommy: First you fall out of your bed, now you are peeing your pants. I just don’t know what is wrong with you today!
–Bagel Shop, 97th & Broadway
Overheard by: abigail
Girl on cell: If you beat somebody up real bad and they press charges, how much time can you get for that?…No, if they press charges against you.
–Macy’s
Overheard by: Katie C
Boy, 5: Lady, I’m gonna cut off your head and feed it to my family.
–14th & 2nd
Overheard by: djlindee
Little girl: That’s how you spell it? Why is there a “p”?
Mom: The doctors didn’t know how to spell it, so they just put a “p” at the beginning to make it look medical.
–Greenpoint corner store
Clerk lady #1: So, like, my kid dropped my cell into the toilet last week.
Clerk lady #2: Oh yeah?
Clerk lady #1: I had to recharge it for over a week before it worked.
Clerk lady #2: Hmm.
Clerk lady #1: When I made a call to my friend, it was all static. And the buttons didn’t work. A few days later my kid picks the phone up and says: “I threw your cell in the toilet! Ha ha!”
Guy: …you took it out of the toilet first, right?
–Duane Reade, 49th & 9th
Overheard by: BBW
Little girl: But I’m not on line for Harry Potter; I want to go to the bathroom!
–Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
Boy #1: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the shoe say to the foot? How’s it footin’?
Boy #2: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the bus say to the street? How’s it streetin’?
Boy #1: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the airplane say to the building?
Boy #2: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Boy #1: Hello, I’m gonna crash into you now.
–M60 bus
Overheard by: marisa
