All Wednesday One-Liners

Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said "Come on, Mr California!" and I was like: "Mr California? Come on! I’ve been here for like four months!"

–G Train

Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame

Jersey girl: I don’t do Arkansas.

–Tram to Roosevelt Island

Eight-year-old to uncle: Please don’t move to Connecticut… It’s too hard to spell!

–38th & 2nd Ave

Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton-John’s fine and all, but she’s like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.

–Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.

Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you’re on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai’s.

–43rd St between Madison & 5th

Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I’m sick of dem Hispanics, man! I’m sick of ’em! I love California.

–New York Public Library, 42nd St branch

Overheard by: Jason

Muscle man to another: You have to hug me more!

–18th & 6th

Overheard by: Joe Fenton

Hobo: I won’t hug you if you give me money.

–6 train

Overheard by: Gabrielle

Little tourist girl, arms outstretched: Mommy, I just want to hug New York!

–49th, between 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Scarfish

Lesbo on cell: I just hugged a man. I don’t even know him!

–Christopher St

Overheard by: Jericho n’ drop

Panhandler: If you don’t have money and you’re fairly attractive, give me a hug and we’ll call it even.

–F train

Girl on cell: So I bought this air conditioner for my living room, and it's entirely too large for me to install by myself, because it weighs 78 lbs. No, seriously, I cannot even get it out of the box. I know–for the time being I'm just referring to it as a Duchamp "readymade." Ew! Don't you call me bohemian!

–19th & 6th

Art professor: You should look at Picasso and Matisse. These people will be more important to you than your family. Cousin Philly. I had a cousin Philly, and I loved him very much. But he's dead now.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: traPt

Lawyer to friend, about Vincent van Gogh: You know, I could have gotten him disability.

–Van Gogh Exhibit, MoMA

Woman, discussing gallery: It was all modern stuff–but not, like, the kind of modern art that children can do.

–20th & 5th

Tourist boy: You can see his penis! It's not art if you can see his penis!

–Petrie Court, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Student, about her play: I want the audience to enter through the vagina before they sit down.

–NYU

Guy to younger girl, at intermission of Spring Awakening, right after sex scene: So you had to choose this? We couldn't have gone to see The Little Mermaid?

–Eugene O'Neill Theatre

College student: …exactly how you'd expect a college rendition of The Vagina Monologues to go.

–NYU

Black guy on cell: It doesn't mean I'm gay because I'm going to see a play. (pause) It's for a class… There's nothing wrong with wanting to see a play.

–Union Square

Overheard by: erkala

20-something guy to friend: Picture it; Fishsticks: the musicical!

–63rd St & Broadway

Waspy girl to gaggle of friends: You know, medium-rare is, like, totally the new medium. You know what I mean? (friends stare blankly) No, I guess you wouldn't.

–6 Train

Overheard by: I Like Mine Bleeding

B&T CSR: Pork killed my father.

–80 Pine St

Overheard by: It's me

Stroller-pushing mom to friend: I gotta do something about her leg! It looks like freeze-dried meat.

–DeKalb & Washington, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Morning Glory

NYU girl to friend: My hair smells like meat.

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: evanescent

Girl to friend: This is my pi system: it's like a sausage.

–NYU Classroom

Man to can of corned beef: God, you understand me so well.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Murphy

Little girl to father, about pedestrian sign: But I don't want to be a pedestrian! I want to be famous!

–17th & Irving

(pedestrians are crossing when they aren't supposed to. One almost gets hit by a taxi)
Female traffic cop to taxi driver: Next time, just go ahead and run them over.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: momes

Homeless man directing traffic in middle of street: I killed 20,000 people, I ain't afraid of no car! I killed 20,000 people, I ain't afraid of no car!

–Jerry Orbach St

Gangster walking in front of Range Rover: Fuck it, if I'ma getting hit by a car, I'ma getting hit by a nice car.

–Broadway & Houston

Tourist driving car: I don't give a fuck if you own the world! I'm running your ass over!

–Financial District

Overheard by: lex

A Feminist Critique Of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: Was she a gymnast, or a feminist?

–Café, 113th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Ladle

Anthropology professor: Everyone's a misogynist. Women attend seminars, "seminar" comes from the word "semen," which comes from the Latin for "a unit of knowledge." And this, my friends, is how women get smart.

–Classroom, NYU

Overheard by: thats how I got into NYU

Rambling man: Nobody's gonna be in charge anymore! (pause) Except the ladies.

–Rivington & Forsyth

Conductor, leaning out window to couple making out: Get a room!

–Canal St station

Overheard by: simon

Eerily calm guy: You fucked me. You fucked me in Midtown.

–48th & 5th

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Hot dog vendor, about girl moaning on cell: They’re having sex on the corner, people! Don’t look!

–Main St & 38th Ave, Queens

Drunk girl to kissing friends: You know, we can, like, find a place for you to make out.

–Prince St

Sorostitute: I had sex right there.

–64th & 5th

Woman: All right, but you’ve really got to stop smoking once you start showing.

–14th & 7th

Guy: We were going by and her mom said, “Hey Mindy! Jumprope! Want to
pee?”.

–Suffolk Street rooftop

Teen girl on cell: Things have changed. We’re not even friends anymore; she’s like this expensive tampon-wearing, stuck-up slut. So what if she can afford Tampax Pearl, I’m still better than her!

–49th & Broadway

Bored woman on cell: Yes baby, that’s the spot, I’m coming.

–F train

Jewish JHS boy: My older brother keeps calling me a pussy and telling me I have to play sports. He’s such a douche.

–S train

Overheard by: Jennifer Smith

Teenage girl: But I think it’s always a bad sign when you see blood floating in the ocean, whether it’s actually whale menstrual fluid or not.

–Macy’s

Overheard by: djlindee

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"

–4 Train