All Wednesday One-Liners

What Did the Wednesday One-liners Just Say?

Bus driver: Will all the beautiful people please step to the rear? All the beautiful people, you know who you are. Thank you.

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: Joyce Shen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen: if you’re running late for your train, try calling out “please wait.” Most conductors will! The magic word gets used so seldom down here. This is your conductor speaking. And I’ll wait.

–F train

Conductor: Why you waving your hand in the door? You trying to catch a cab?

–B train

Bus driver: If you want good air conditioning, move to the middle. This bus is crap!

–QM1 bus

Overheard by: MissDona

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we have some good news and some bad news. Bad news is that our engine has stopped. The good news is that you’re not on an airplane.

–MetroNorth train

Overheard by: Nic

Conductor: Attention ladies and gentlemen, this is not an interactive ride! Please do not hold the doors.

–D train

Overheard by: Camodee D

PA system: Ladies and gentlemen, riding on the outside of cars is dangerous. Please ride fully inside the cars.

–4 train

Overheard by: OJ-Gangas

Conductor: This is the D train headed to the Bronx. I repeat, this is the D train. D, as in Denise Richards.

–D train

Wednesday One-liners, I’m Your Father

Father: Oh, you mean hummus. Hamas is a terrorist organization.

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Daniel Radosh

Man on stoop on cell: Son, it sounds like you got yourself an STD.

–Windsor Terrace

Overheard by: LaurenG

Dad: Now don’t go getting lost again. It cost me a lot of money to get you back last time.

–Bronx Zoo

Father: It was because of nuclear proliferation. All the dinosaurs shot nukes at each other.

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: JB

Man: The last time a bird pooped on me I met your mother.

–Central Park Zoo

Wednesday One-liners Might Want to See a Doctor

Guy: I got a medical procedure. It’s a done deal. It’s called a biops.

–Highbridge, The Bronx

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Man on cell phone: You forgot the safety word?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Maggie and David

Chick: I’m going to papercut you ferociously.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Girl: Yo, I think these Band-Aids give me street cred.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Rocio Burga

Girl on cell: I hate him! I don’t want to invite him since he rammed his head into a wall at the bar…Yeah, she’s okay…When did he get cancer?…Of course, he can be invited; he has cancer. Wait…does he like to ram his head into walls?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Clay Stewart

Woman on cell: Oh my God, I’m about to explode. I got these tight-ass pants on and my stomach is about to explode over my belt.

–1st Avenue & 2nd Street

Overheard by: Sarah Dell’Orto

Wednesday One-liners Provide No Easy Answer

Dork: Yeah, but he can spend all that money and gross like a billion dollars, but it’s totally gonna fuck up his legacy, man. Like that guy who was playing when Mozart was around, you know? Whatever happened to that guy?

–Diner, Astoria

Man: How could you do that to me on my birthday month?

–5th between 19th & 20th

Overheard by: Marci Kaufman

Girl: When you look at a little person, don’t you just want to pick them up?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Melissa Wechsler

Art Store guy: …the Army was really persistent. They said, “Oh, we always need artists in the Army.” And I’m like, “No, you fucking don’t! What am I gonna do, paint with the enemy’s blood?”.

–New York Central Art Supply, 3rd Avenue

Overheard by: tourist girl

Lady: Excuse me, is this train going uptown or downtown?

–L train platform, Union Square station

Overheard by: Brenna Sinnott

Wednesday One-liners Give You the First One for Free

Guy on cell: Dude, I can’t give you a bottle. And he don’t got none, either…dude, I don’t mean no offense, but you know you’re a junkie type, right?…yeah, I hear ya…Fine. Maybe for $20 I can find you something.

–86th between Lexington & 3rd

Lady: So is that why he brought you a Xanax and a sandwich?

–Ludlow & Delancey

Overheard by: Michi Hollydale

Businesslady: I was a meth addict. You know, methadone. I didn’t inject it, though.

–Starbucks, 35th & 8th

Overheard by: wit and whimsy

Girl on cell: So like I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I told my parents that I was on drugs…which, of course, nothing could be further from the truth…yeah, I can blame them for reacting that way!

–77th & Lex

Chick on cell: …I know. He’s so generous with prescriptions. And I keep telling him, “I’m a real pill popper!”

–52nd & Madison

Overheard by: Captain Obvious

Chick: If you can get the perfect balance between alcohol and cocaine, then you’ve really hit your peak.

–15th & 5th

Overheard by: Lucy

Woman: So I had to figure out which was cheaper: the drugs or the rehab.

–Kate’s Joint, Avenue B

Queer: God it’s so gross! Gays in there lifting and just sweating all their drugs out…I just don’t go to the gym on mondays; it smells like chemicals!

–15th & 7th

Girl on cell: Yeah, they all call her Vitamin H, can you believe that?…No, no, it’s alcohol that’s the gateway drug. You only want to do coke after you drink.

–2nd Avenue & 10th Street

Got a Light, Wednesday One-liners?

Chick on cell: I mean, an Easter egg hunt, but with cigarettes? How cool would that be?

–6th between Prince & Spring

Overheard by: djlindee

Woman: So there were three of us, standing around the toilet, and we each threw our cigarette butts one by one into the toilet, and when I flushed it, there was this…space. And through that space I saw my family at the other end…

–Prospect Park Bandshell

Overheard by: MissHell

Man: I want to get down to a carton of cigarettes for each paycheck.

–Sunset Park

Overheard by: Priscilla Grim

Back to School, Wednesday One-liners

Guy: I want to go to FIT so I can hook up with girls.

–27th & 7th

Girl: I mean, I got shat on at Harvard.

–9th Street & 2nd Avenue

Overheard by: Kamran Javadizadeh

Woman: Is there a special event going on at Columbia this summer? Because I’ve seen a lot of Asians around.

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: Carrie

Hipster girl: I mean, I’ve got like, over 160 facebook friends. Does that not mean anything?

–56th & 6th

Overheard by: Joyce Shen

Sociology professor: No one knows what the hell Derrida is talking about, but we all pretend we do anyway.

–Columbia

Overheard by: djlindee

Call Me on My Mobile, Wednesday One-liners

Girl on cell: I can barely hear you. It’s like your phone is on mute, only not quite.

–Astoria

Suit on cell: I don’t know! I don’t know! All I’m saying is, you better get a lawyer and it sure as hell isn’t going to be me!

–14th & Broadway

Punk dude on cell: Fuck you, fuck you!…call me when you are high or nice, until then fuck you!

–Dunkin’ Donuts, 42nd & Vanderbilt

Girl on cell phone: Like, I’m the one who invited Fran Tarkenton over in the first place!

–53rd & 8th

Overheard by: Tyler Bryce

Indian chick on cell: You’re like the diamond in a haystack I’ve been looking for!

–23rd & 3rd

Good Evening, Wednesday One-liners and Gentlemen

Hobo: I take EZ-Pass too.

–96th & CPW

Hobo: Can you spare some change? Or a pineapple?

–4th Avenue & 8th Street

Hobo: Can you spare a dollar for a cup of coffee? How about an iced cappuccino?

–Madison & 62nd

Hobo: We been waiting for this train since May 5, 1987.

–86th Street B/C station

Hobo: Miss, miss, can you spare some change? Sir, sir? Ma’am?…You! You’ll speak when you’re spoken to!

–49th & 8th

Stand Clear of the Closing Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is more than one door on this train. In fact there are 30 of them. Please feel free to use the other 29.

–1 train

Overheard by: Traveler Bill

Conductor: Canal Street next after this brief musical interlude.

–R train

Overheard by: Mark

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re stuck at this station because I have to get permission from Queensboro before we can leave and they’re not answering the phone. I think they all went home to get some sleep.

–N train

Overheard by: SP

Conductor: You have to get on the train when the doors are open. Thank you!

–MetroNorth train

Overheard by: alyssa

Man: Passengers, do not keep quiet if you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney. If you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney attempt to get them impeached. This has been a MTA announcement.

–6 train

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: Attention passengers, there is a train directly behind this one…ten degrees cooler.

–6 train

Conductor: This is Borough Hall, home of Brooklyn borough president Marty Markowitz, also known as Mr. Brooklyn. On behalf of your borough president, and your conductor, welcome to Brooklyn: a nice place to visit, a great place to live!

–F train

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