Foreplay Don’ts

Girl: You want a lap dance?
Guy: Huh? Sure, where?
Girl: How about your place?…I’ll give you one for two hundred bucks.
Guy: What? Are you crazy?
Girl: Okay, 50. I’m really a nice girl…I’m just having a hard time paying my bills.
Guy: No, thanks!
Girl: Okay…What would you want for 50 bucks?
Guy: Can I fuck you in the ass?
Girl: What? You’re sick.
Guy: Go home, get some sleep…and go look for a job in the morning.

–Cassidy’s Ale House, Flushing

Overheard by: Stephan

Hobo: You should put your legs together.
Girl: What did you say to me?
Hobo: Close your legs.
Girl: I’m a big girl, they’re as closed as they’re gonna get. It’s called “fat”.
Hobo: I guess you want to air out.
Girl: I guess you want a whiff.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Djuna

Drunk fratboy: Damn, you got a sexy walk, girl!…Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Girl: No, thanks anyway.
Drunk fratboy: OK…so, uh…how about I just fuck you in the ass, then?

–Washington Square Park

Posted on April 5, 2025
Backdoor, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Bryant Park, Diet/Weight, Drunks, Etiquette, Frat Boys, Hobos, Money & Class, Pick-up Lines, Prostitution, Strangers, Washington Square Park

The Republican Convention Delegates: Where Are They Now?

A hobo is sitting on a bench next to a woman.

Hobo: Don’t touch my butt, lady. I’m a virgin.
Woman: Oh, please.
Hobo: Get over it.

–Central Park

Posted on January 31, 2025
Ass, Body Parts, Central Park, Etiquette, Hobos, Manhattan, Parks, Republicans

Wednesday One-liners

Lady: Girl, or all the hairs growin’ out of my face, I’d take your wart in a second.

–Bally Sports Club, Madison & 43rd

Overheard by: Heather Hunter

Trendy boy: God, I feel so bad farting next to all these really expensive cars.

–Jacob Javits Center

Overheard by: Lindsay

Dude on cell: …so I got into this fight last night and totally whaled on the dude…totally kicked his ass! His nose was bleeding and everything!….OK, I’ll see ya later. Peace.

–Coffee Shop, Union Square West

Posted on January 18, 2025
Body Parts, Cars and Driving, Farting & Burping, Fighting and ass kicking, Gyms, Hair, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, People, Places, Restaurants & Cafes, Topics, Union Square and East Village, Venues, Violence

Shoving Things “There”: No Longer Weird

Bi guy #1: So do you have a lot of threesomes?
Bi guy #2: My girlfriend likes to see me take it up the ass. She’s weird like that.

–Chelsea taxicab

Teen girl #1: How do you know it’s uncomfortable?
Teen girl #2: Just put something in your ass and walk around with it.
Teen girl #1: In your ass?
Teen girl #2: Well, on your ass.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Sara R.

Drunk suit: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Irish barman: Only if you have an enema with you, ’cause I’m going to shove it up your arse when I’m done.

–Nancy Whiskey Pub, Lispenard Street

Posted on January 11, 2025
Asshole, Backdoor, Bartenders, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Gays and Lesbians, Manhattan, Private Parts, Queens, Queers, Sex, Suits, Teens, Three is Company, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

You’ve Got to Pamper Them…Literally

Old black guy #1: You got to take care of your lady.
Old black guy #2: Uh huh.
Old black guy #1: Every now and then you got to let her do her nails, do her hair and wash her ass…
Old black guy #2: Uh huh!

–Avenue A between 1st and 2nd Street