Body Parts

Wednesday One-liners are a Special Area

Guy: I got both, bitch! I got a pussy and a dick!

–6th Avenue & 9th Street

Chick: He was my rag guy! What am I going to do now? I’m gonna dry up. If you stick your ear up to my vagina you’re going to hear the fucking desert like it’s a seashell.

–43rd & 5th

Overheard by: James Wilson

Burkha woman: …when you remove a man’s genitals, it’s a sin.

–Port Authority

Guy on cell: I’m busy. I’m getting my dick sucked right now.

–4 train

Overheard by: LatiE

Guy: It wasn’t till I started college that I realized they had botched the circumcision. We had all just flopped them out and I was like, “Dude, what is wrong with yours?”, and they were like, “No man, it’s you, what the fuck happened to you? It looks like the fucking rings of saturn.”

–38th & 3rd

Suit: If you’re a dick you can do anything.

–Maiden Lane & Pearl Street

Overheard by: SKG

Man on cell: So I was trying to take a pee and she kept talking to me, so then my dick got hard and I couldn’t pee.

–25th & 5th

Overheard by: Ian Wheeler-Nicholson

Lady on cell: He’s a hermaphrodite…he was born that way…his grandparents, thats why. Genetic mutations and stuff.

–50th & Madison

Chick: But he has a pierced dick! They don’t sell that shit in stores!

–SI party

Overheard by: Rebecca Dash

Wednesday One-liners Don’t Make the Cut

Girl: I’m warning you in advance, way in advance: don’t get too drunk tonight, you always end up with someone bad.

–St. Mark’s Place

Woman: …and now I don’t want to even see his feet much less touch them!

–72nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Nora

JetBlue chick: You can’t be dating him, he looks all dyslexic.

–JFK

Overheard by: Jessica

Chick on cell: …and it’s ironic, but the Museum of Sex was like a bad lay: small, and not performing to my expectations.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Djlindee

This is Funny if You Like Vitreous Humor

Guy: I touched your eyeball, doesn’t that mean I love you?
Girl: Touch it again!
Guy: No you freak!

–N/W Broadway station

Let’s Face Wednesday One-liners

Girl: …and I was crying! Because he told me I was so ugly. But then he said he was just being honest…

–9th Street & 2nd Avenue

Overheard by: Domi

Guy: Hey Dave, remember the last time we were here, that security guard came up to you and asked if you needed medical attention because he assumed you got hit in the mouth with a baseball?

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Michael Bull

Cop: You couldn’t suck hard enough to give her a hickey. All the stubble broke the suction.

–30th & 7th

Teenage boy: Honestly! Why would anyone put spermicide on their face?

–Bank Street

Overheard by: Jon Gordon

Mother: I can’t believe you like how Robin’s face looks. It doesn’t look like she’s wearing any makeup! She needs to wear makeup.

–Sephora, 5th Avenue

If It’s in His Ear, That’s a Missed Connection

Dude: I really need a second job.
Chick: You should post on craigslist or something.
Dude: Yeah, right. “WILL DO ANYTHING”.
Chick: Whoa, no, don’t say that. Soon you’ll have two cocks in your mouth and one in your ear.

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Peter

He Means Her Gigantic Biceps

Guy #1: So, you really know those chicks in there?
Guy #2: Just the bartender with the big guns.

–Angry Wade’s, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: AD

Relax, It Was Yo-Yo Instructions

Dad: …you’ve got to use your middle finger.
Son: Which one’s the middle finger?
Dad: This one.
Son: Why’s it called the middle finger?
Dad: Because it’s in the middle of your hand, I guess. There’s two fingers on either side.
Son: That’s retarded.
Dad: It may sound retarded, but that’s the way it is.

–Astoria corner store

Grandma, What Big Pupils You Have!

Younger queer: Man, I never noticed how big Liza’s eyes were before.
Older queer: That’s so she can see the little pills better.

–Splash, 17th Street

Overheard by: Eric Muscatell

Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People

Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode.

–The Gate, Park Slope

A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese?

–Broadway & 80th

Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, “Arr, you’re a pirate?” and her mom was like, “Actually, she had her eye put out.”

–27th street office

JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for “tall, dark and handsome” and all I ever end up with is “short, hairy, Jewish”. I guess I should just accept my fate.

–Starbucks, 48th & 3rd

Black guy: I ain’t Jewish, so I don’t be doin’ no Yom Kippur.

–D train

Overheard by: Nash Astor

That Line Would Go Over Better in Chelsea

Puerto Rican kid #1: You shut the fuck up, motherfucker!
Puerto Rican kid #2: Come say that to my face! I’ll brush yo’ teeth with my pee pee!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Yamin Reshamwala

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