Brooklyn

Griping About the Priest (A NYC Short Story)

Junk shop owner: No coffee?
Lady #1: We’ll have coffee tomorrow. Thursday.
Junk shop owner: Coffee at Starbucks is $5. Special coffee. Why don’t you go to your house, then your house, and your house?
Lady #2: Why don’t we come here?
Junk shop owner: You pick a date. I’ll sell you 4 chairs, $5.
Lady #2: What, you sit on them, they break?
Junk shop owner: We don’t sell chairs that break. How many people were in church? 10? I hear he’s gonna start counting how many people are going. What are they gonna do, close the church? Doesn’t anybody have a hook in the Father, know what’s going on?
Lady #1: Nobody goes anymore.
Junk shop owner: He has no activities for the people in the neighborhood! No card parties, no bingo…$150 per kid to make communion! Where the hell do you come off making a price like that?
Lady #2: I never heard of that.
Junk shop owner: Well, you heard it now.

–Carroll Gardens

It’s Not His Fault You Got Stretch Marks

Baby stroller #1: So I decided, what the hell, I’m just going to get a dildo.
Baby stroller #2: A what?
Baby stroller #1: A dildo.
Baby stroller #2: Oh. Yeah, totally.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Chris Genoa

The One Thing He’s Not Dealing is Speed

Woman #1: See that guy in the wheelchair? I think he’s starting to get involved with dealing drugs or something.
Woman #2: Well, I wouldn’t hang around him too much anyway if I were
you. Clearly he couldn’t run away fast enough the first time…

–Fort Greene

It’s Ham, Roasted Honey

Butcher: Would you like anything else today?
Lady: Not that I can think of. As a matter of fact I haven’t really been able to think of much all day. Must be all the vicodin….So how do I prepare this?
Butcher: It’s lunchmeat. You just eat it.

–Greenpoint market

Jesus Christ, It’s Wednesday One-liners

Street vendor: I don’t have kids, I would never have kids. Well, unless Jesus Christ himself comes down to earth and says, “Kev, it’s me, Jesus. I think you should have kids.” Then I would consider it.

–46th & 6th

Businesslady: So I says to her, “Girl, you’ve gotta pray. You gotta get Jesus in your fucking life.”

–Downtown Brooklyn

Overheard by: Joel Warden

Woman: It was as if I had fallen into a Hell Pit, or something like that.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: MissHell

Eat, Drink, Wednesday One-liners

British chick: I just solved my lunch problem, because I hate raw cheese.

–27th Street office

Guy: Bitch, you better give me back my donuts or I’ll pull out your weave.

–Washington Heights

Overheard by: Vinson Guthreau

Guy: Nothing like going to Chuck E. Cheese to make you start drinking again.

–82nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: JY

Lady: This is a yuppie McDonald’s. It’s all middle class people here.

–McDonald’s, 47th Street

Overheard by: Christa Bramberger

As a Brooklyn Brewery delivery truck passed a toddler on the sidewalk yelled: I love beer!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: tee sul

Bartender: If the Burp Castle ever closes it means the death of classical music in New York.

–Burp Castle bar, E. 7th Street

Guy on cell: Is this like that time where Laura told me that cat food was Lucky Charms?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Cynthia

My Brother Died of Herpes of the Shit

Girl #1: …and I told him, he was going over there all the time and letting the dog lick in the face and kiss him.
Girl #2: And now he gots herpes of the mouth and shit.

–Bushwick

Overheard by: Spider

Some Call It RAIN

Guy: What’s this wet shit falling from the sky?

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Heather Letzkus

Fucking a Hamburger is Kind of a Gray Area

Boy #1: Do you want to split a bun?
Boy #2: No! I’m not gay!
Boy #1: “Split a bun” means a fucking hamburger, you asshole!

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: CAP

Fighting Communism was Funnier than Fighting Terrorism

A Russian lady mutters to herself: I want to be at the front of the line so I can pick my seat, I’m not sitting by some fat, smelly person.

She tries to cut to the front of the line, unsuccessfully.

Russian lady: I was here the whole time! I was standing right next to this lady!
This lady: No, she wasn’t.
Conductor: You better get to the back of the line, ma’am.
Russian lady: But I was here the whole time! Where’s your manager? I want to talk to the manager!
Conductor: Please step to the back of the line, you’ve gotta wait in line like everyone else.
Russian lady: I know what your problem is! I bet you don’t like white people!

Everyone else in line burst out laughing, and she was escorted away by security.

–Port Authority

Woman: Well, at least the Mexicans are friendly and they’re always working. Unlike those goddamn Russians! You know what I mean!

–Bensonhurst

Overheard by: Deborah Olin

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