Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to backups on the F, this train is going to make express stops only at Delancey Street all the way to Brooklyn. Passengers who would like to get off at 2nd Avenue and East Broadway please get off the train and take the next train right behind us.
Sephora shopping bags woman: Right behind us, my ass! We’re all gonna die!
–F train
Overheard by: Alex Wipf
Conductor: This is the last train. You have no other options, this is it. Get on this train.
–Metro North Rail
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your feet off the seats on this train. They belong on the floor; that's why it's there. If you can't put your feet on the floor because your luggage is there, don't worry: we took care of that too. Look up. That thing above your head is a luggage rack.
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Announcement on NJ transit train: If you have young children, please take them…by the hand when leaving the train.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: JerseyJR
Train conductor: This is 18th Street, if this is your stop…get up! Give up that seat!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Chris K… at 11pm
Amtrak conductor: We are experiencing engine problems and need to change trains. But I want you to know that we have lost no altitude.
–Amtrak Train
Conductor, philosophical about delayed train: We don't usually have this type of delay at this time of day. But, well, here we are… (train starts to move) Aha! Here it is!
–A Train
Overheard by: Katie J
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, do you know where you are? (passengers are silent) I do! Hudson, next stop.
–Amtrak Train, Leaving Penn Station
Guido: I love these jeans. They’re so comfy-womfy.
–R train, Court St
Teen girl: Tissues are so overrated. That’s what long-sleeved shirts are for. That’s why no one wears short-sleeved shirts!
–TGIFriday, 42nd St
Conductor: Down coats are very poofy. Please pull them in from the doors.
–Crowded F train
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Puking guy, using hat to catch his vomit: I don’t think I’m ever gonna be able to wear this hat again. It was a good hat.
–A train
Overheard by: Joseph
Teen girl, about gift for boyfriend: Can you imagine me getting him a sweater that’s too small and going, ‘Oh, it’s too small? I’ll take it!’
–R train
Chick: She was a tasteful goth… but she was wearing a cape.
–4th & Lafayette
Woman: She brought a bottle of vodka on the plane with her. She was doing shots the whole flight.
–Central Park
Overheard by: sarah
Conductor: The next stop is Cherry Hill, but for the men singing, it was alcohol.
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: Date Rape
Smooth operator: Don’t worry, I thought you were pretty before I got drunk.
–Subway
Party girl: Yeah, so I did like 10 shots and woke up the next day wearing only one shoe and a sombrero.
–51st St & Broadway
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent all my money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs… But now, I have learned my lesson. I want to spend all your money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs… and viagra…
–Union Square, uptown 6 train
Guy: Dude, I can’t get that drunk. I am trying to fuck that girl tonight.
–Outside Columbia dorm
Bimbette: Oh my god, it was a terrorist act! I’m going to the wine bar.
–68th St & York
White trash woman to angry boyfriend: Stop! I'm in my car and I love myself! I love myself! Fuck you if you don't love yourself! Tyra says to love yourself, and I love myself!
–49th & 11th
Conductor: Passengers, as you all know the New Haven line is known as the Love Line, because of our red colors and red schedules. For Valentine's Day why not buy a loved one a ticket? Nothing says "I love you" like a Metro North ticket! Imagine the look on your mother-in-law's face when she opens up her present to find a one way trip to Manhattan!
–Metro North Train
Sorority girl: And this is a list of all the girls who love Jell-o.
–St. John's University
Overheard by: Peter G
Guy on Bluetooth: What did I say? I said I love you and you didn't fucking say anything back. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
–Jackson Heights
Excited black guy to friend: Damn! I think I'm in love, she's like the whole package! She's pretty, she's fuckable, and she can cook!
–A Train
Overheard by: Tim
Little boy leaving the church: Bye, Jesus! I love you!
–Riverside Church
Overheard by: Stephanie
Conductor at Van Wyck: This is… not Jamaica. [Quietly] Where the hell is he going?
–Manhattan-bound E train
Overheard by: Julie
Conductor: This is 71st, Continental Avenue. Transfer here for the E. This is the E Train to 180… This is the E Train to 170… This is the F… This is the… Oh, whatever. Just stand clear of the fucking doors.
–Most definitely the F train
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Conductor: This is an express F Train to Stillwell Avenue. What does that mean? I don’t know. What are the express stops?
–Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: Pam
Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound One Train. Next stop, 42nd Street. I mean, 34th Street… Shit… Next stop, 14th Street, Union Square!
–L train, Morgan Ave
Overheard by: erin b
Conductor: Captain, we’ve lost power — we have no lights. If you would like to look at people or read, please move. If you do not wish to look at anyone or let anyone look at you, just stay put. This is the train to Babylon. I do not know what the next stop is.
–LIRR
Overheard by: scared passenger
Conductor: The Queens-bound N Train will be arriving on the platform downstairs. [It pulls into the station across from the platform.] I take that back.
–7 train, Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a downtown… [long pause]… Whatever. Stand clear of the edge.
–6 platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Johnny
Conductor: Dyckman Street’s next.
Teen boy who kicked down the door of the back car and got on the intercom: Yeah, motherfucker! Dyckman Street’s next, nigga!
–1 train near 191st
Overheard by: vegannramember
Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.
–Brooklyn
Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?
–Bowling Green Station
Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!
–Union Square
Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!
–Outside Starbucks
Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?
–Q Train
Overheard by: Robert G.
Conductor on PA: 34th Street next, stand clear of the closing doors.
Hobo, to self: 34th? You could get killed!
–A Train
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Suit to security guard: Which elevator goes next door?
–1 Penn Plaza
Overheard by: Nora
Hot dog vendor: To go?
–Hot Dog Stand, 62nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Chrissy
Woman holding Dunkin Donuts mug to employee: Excuse me, can this mug hold cold drinks as well, or just hot ones?
–Dunkin Donuts, 76th & York
Woman: Crepe cafe? What do they do there? (comes closer) Ohhhh, they make crepes?
–Crepe Cafe Cart, W 50th St
Overheard by: Dianora
20-something girl to friend: What are we even walking for again?
–Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk, Central Park
Laughing, genuinely amazed Columbia underclassman: Isn't it, like, amazing, how we know what is food and what isn't food?
–W 114th Street b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Conductor: Next stop is…where am I?
–Uptown 1 Train
