Conductors

Tramcar driver in Magic Kingdom: It has come to my attention that people use their panic button to help them find their car. That is cheating. You must wander around aimlessly for a while first.

Disney World, Florida

Overheard by: Kristen

Conductor (at tube stop before Finchley Road station): This train will not be stopping at Finchley Road. I repeat, this train will not be stopping at Finchley Road. (train pulls into Finchley Road, slows down and stops) This train will not be stopping at Finchley Road. (pause) I'm aware that we've actually stopped at Finchley Road, but we will not be stopping at Finchley Road.

Jubilee Underground Line
London
England

Overheard by: Tom

Conductor: Stamford, Stamford stop is…ooh, did you see those two baby reindeer?!

MetroNorth Train
Stamford, Connecticut

You Mean Conductors Are Like This Everywhere?

Train conductor: Thank you for traveling on this 3:30 service to Southern Cross. If you need to use the toilet, they are located at the end of each carriage for your convenience. Please remember to both close and lock the door, which will save you from embarrassment and other passengers from blindness.

Train Service to Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: Meg

Conductor: The worst thing that you can do in an emergency is to pull the emergency cord. Never pull the emergency cord if it is an emergency!

Boston subway
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: daily commuter

Conductor: Plenty of seats in the rear, folks!
Old guy, making way through crowd: I’ll take one in the rear!

http://overheardinphilly.blogspot.com/2007/05/insert-homosexual-joke-here.html

Overheard by: liz the whiz