Tattoo guy on platform: Where are all the f trains?
Conductor: The early bird catches the worm…
Tattoo guy: What?
Conductor: The early bird catches the worm…
Tattoo guy: You better start fuckin making sense, asshole.
Conductor: Sorry, I don't come from that way.
–E Train
Conductor: When exiting, please watch the gap between the train and the station platform.
Older woman: Why don’t they just fix the gap? Then they wouldn’t have to bother saying that.
–LIRR
Overheard by: glad I don’t live in LI
Conductor: Check around, make sure you have all of your belongings. If you have small children, make sure you hold onto them. (in haunting tone) Wouldn't want to see them disappear…into the gap.
–Metro-North Line
Overheard by: Jess
Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently.
–Penn Station
Conductress, in monotone: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough….in the borough of Manhattan.
–D Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Conductor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin' for the local train on the other platform: hey yo! We over here!
–14th Street Station
MTA conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be out of commission, uh…right now. Get out!
–MetroNorth Train
Overheard by: Kellin
Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah…just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y'all lucky we underground! Have a safe day.
–A Train
Conductor, over speaker: Grand Avenue-Newtown will be next, stand clear of the closing doors…
Lady on train: Wait, what'd he say?
Conductor, over speaker: Wait, what'd he say?
–R Train
Overheard by: Kevin
Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it's not not not not not not not the local train. Don't screw up.
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Lynne
Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time!
–LIRR
Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.
–LIRR
Overheard by: morningcommute
Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don't just stand there looking at it.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Julie
Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you've been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another.
–Q Train
Conductor: You know which train it is; you know where it’s going; step in, stand clear.
–W train
Principal, over PA system: Attention: We are testing out the PA system. If you don't hear this, please call the office.
–Public School
Announcer on 6 train (which was being held at the station): Attention ladies and gentlemen. (pause) Does this thing even work?
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Your Mom
Cop, over megaphone from patrol car: Attention people in the park, we think you are all drunk. Whether legally or illegally, please, vacate the area. (a few minutes later, after driving around the fountain) People in the fountain, don't think we can't see you…don't use stargazing as your excuse because there's too much light pollution!
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: In the fountain
Conductor over PA: Attention passengers. Acts of pugilism are not allowed on this train.
(two minutes later) Attention passengers. This is just a reminder that acts of fornication or fellatio are not allowed on this train.
–Post Midnight Drunk Train, LIRR
Overheard by: Rob T Firefly
Nervous voice on building PA system: Can I have your attention, please? Can I have your attention, please? Please disregard this message.
–Third Ave & b/w 50th & 51st
Conductor: Attention! You’ve boarded the ghetto express. Next stop, Deep Ghetto. If you’re trying to go to any of the Ghetto Light areas, please transfer at this stop for the Ghetto Local. Thank you!
–5 train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Silvy
Conductor: This is Fifth Avenue. Transfer here for… Aw, hell, there ain’t no transfer here. Get in the damn train.
–E train from JFK, around 5th Ave
Overheard by: ntrprnr
Conductor: Okay everyone, we’re going to evacuate the train now. Just stay calm. This isn’t the Titanic. I repeat, this is not the Titanic.
–Acela, to NYC
Overheard by: The Titanic was on-time
Conductor: Board the train so the doors can close. [Girls slowly shuffle around doors.] You must physically board the train to ride. The platform does not move.
–LIRR
Overheard by: NCtransplantGirl
Conductor, very politely: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear of the closing doors so this train can leave the station. Thank you. [Later, not as politely] Sir, maybe the fact that you have to hold on to the outside of the car to stay inside is a sign that you should wait for the next train!
–Crowded Bronx-bound 6 train
Overheard by: Chris
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t really care if we pull up to the station and your car door doesn’t open. If you don’t listen, I don’t really care. Not my problem anymore, folks! I said it once and I ain’t saying it again!
–LIRR, Jamaica station
Overheard by: commuter
Conductor: Y’all, these suckahs gon’ be on this train for hours!
–1 train
Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don’t even wanna live in it!
–F Train
Overheard by: LC
Conductor, over intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is overbooked. That’s just the way things are. Life is unfair.
–Amtrak Train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have never tired of hearing the word "vagina". That time has passed.
–Staten Island Supreme Court
Conductor: Watch your step as you exit the train, and if you’re late, just remember that life is a lot like being on this train: we may not be there yet, but we’re getting there.
–2 Train
Overheard by: can this conductor drive my train every day please?
Conductor: While you are waiting for trains, please do not sit on the edge of the platform. Not only could you loose your legs, but you could delay your fellow passengers.
–Long Beach-bound LIRR
Overheard by: Matt P.
Conductor: The next stop is North White Plains, and everyone needs to get off there because the train will be aborted to the train yard. Yes, the train yard… And you don’t want to be at the train yard. It is a dark and lonely place…
–Metro-North
Conductor: This is the Six local train. Next stop is 42nd, Grand Central. And remember, folks, if you’re having a bad day, don’t try to have a good one. That’s just impossible. Next stop, 42nd.
–6 train
Overheard by: freckles
Conductor: Once again, ladies and gentlemen, today is July 31st. November monthly tickets are no longer valid on this train.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Does that mean I can use my December ticket?
Conductor: This is the voice of your conductor. Remember, only I can move the train. [Pauses while train begins moving, then] See? Just like that.
–A train
Overheard by: McF.
Conductor: I wish you would stop sticking your head out through the doors. If you want to be the conductor, take the test. Then you can stick your head out all you damn well please.
–7 train, Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
Conductor: This is the Q local. An express train is right across the platform. [Doors close] Wave goodbye!
–Q train
Overheard by: Zvi
