On the Subway

Hobo: Stop making the fucking announcements twice, you cocksuckers. Fucking close the doors, don’t just keep them opening and shutting again! You muthafuckas! I need to fucking get home! I need to fucking feed my fish, yo! Fish need to eat too! Now have you seen those pigeons around the city? They carry mad disease…Where are you from, muthafucka? Pennsylvania? Oh, you must be a smart son of a bitch! Oh fuck! Close the doors you muthafucka! I need to feed my fish! Suck my balls!

The doors finally close.

Hobo: It’s about fucking time! We’re riding slower than if I was on a turtle’s back! And local stops too! My fucking fish are gonna fucking die! I should just make a goddamn goldfish sandwich with mayonnaise!

A Black guy comes through the car doors from the car behind and observes the hobo.

Black guy: Oh damn. Two wackos on one train? That’s too much.
Hobo: Close the door, please…cocksucker…Por. Favor.

–E train

Overheard by: Megan Cowles

Man: How is AM New York?
Woman: It’s good, easy. Easy reading. It’s not heavy.
Man: What does AM stand for?
Woman: Umm…I think it stands for morning. Like, morning New York.
Man: Morning! I never thought of that. Yeah, morning New York. That’s good.

–1 train

Overheard by: Jason Steinhauer

Pregnant chick: You know when I pop this bitch out it is on. Get me a drink!

–2/3 train

Mother: Come here. You’re seven years old and you can’t fasten your own shoelaces? No more video games for your black ass.

–W. 53rd & 10th

Overheard by: James Shannon

Queer: You know, she sent her children to England, so they’d learn how to pronunciate words correctly.

–Angelo’s, 55th Street

Girl: …so I told him to suck his own dick if he thinks he can do it any better.

–G train

Overheard by: Ocera

Little boy: Mommy, mommy, do you have a penis?

–E train

Overheard by: Ting

JHS kid: …so I said, “He’s gonna make you stay after class and he’s gonna pull down your fucking pants and shove his fucking cock up your ass!”

–Times Square shuttle

Overheard by: Lizzy

Teenage girl #1: So Judge Judy is a racist.
Teenage girl #2: Isn’t she in charge of all the New York judges, don’t they all report to her?
Teenage girl #3: Nah, I think she’s just in charge of the TV judges.

–2 train

Overheard by: Lisa Marshall

Middle aged guy: So she makes six figures, she’s 40, and she lives at home with her mother?
Middle aged woman: Can you believe it? She has a son, too, but he lives on his own. Can you fucking believe that?
Middle aged guy: Jesus!

–2 train

Overheard by: Mike Sidoti

Little girl #1: My dad wants to write books but doesn’t.
Little girl #2: Why not?
Little girl #1: Well, he’s busy.
Little girl #2: Why doesn’t he just quit his job and start writing a book?
Little girl #1: I dunno…maybe because we won’t have any money?
Little girl #3: Ooh, then you could move to Vermont!

–F train

Woman: He wouldn’t let me leave the store until I bought the champagne. So I bought it and went home and started drinking it, and it was the best stuff ever! I’d gone through half the bottle when I thought I should stop, so then I went over and gave it to the neighbors.

–6 train

Girl: Why the fuck is that other train moving?
Boy: Because that train isn’t fucking defective.
Girl: Whatever.

–1 train

Teen #1: Damn, kid! Your face mad hairy!
Teen #2: I’m a grown-ass man, dog.

–A train