Man to harried employee: I would like a latte, but please do not steam the milk any hotter than a hundred and thirty degrees…

Coffee stand, Washington National Airport
Washington, DC

Man: Man, I’d like to have been around when Jesus put all them dinosaurs here. I figure that woulda been pretty cool.
Friend: Yeah, that woulda been cool.

Canyonlands National Park
Moab, Utah

Overheard by: Iain

Hot girl: I haven’t had sex in so long.
Cute friend, nodding: Mmmm.
Hot girl: Nobody pays attention to me…
Cute friend: It’s ’cause you only have boyfriends.
Hot girl: Yeah… And… [Whispers] I kinda like pooping.

Tampa, Florida

Dude #1: So he says, ‘If you can walk a straight line, you can come into my bar.’
Dude #2: And then he got raped!

Austin, Texas

Overheard by: ummmm

Biology professor: No, penises don’t just fall off. Guys, you have nothing to worry about.

University of Maryland
College Park, Maryland

Overheard by: Chicken

Waitress indicating empty seat: Would she like some dessert when she gets back?
Recently abandoned old man: No. She wasn’t feeling good so she went to the Hallmark Store.

Atlas Diner, Strawbridge
Virginia Beach, Virginia

Employee #1: Do you know what the problem is with rice cakes?
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: There’s no meat in them.

Super Target

Overheard by: Brian

Girl in stall: Oooh, what is that little feeling in my tummy?

Bathroom, Bubba Gump, Universal CityWalk
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Kerberos

Chick: Oklahoma and Ohio — I always get those two mixed up.
Dude: Yeah.
Chick: Wait, which one is in the middle of the country?
Dude: Uh, they both are, kind of.
Chick: Oh, well, which one is a state?
Dude: Both.
Chick: Yeah, that’s why I get them mixed up!

Overheard by: taranto

60-ish woman looking in door: I thought you had to have some hooters to be able to work at one.

Burbank, California