Wednesday One-Liners Will Hold Them Open with a Baby, If Need Be

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re being delayed, but we will be moving shortly. We’re having a door problem — someone at the front of the train is holding them open.

–3 train, Franklin Ave

Conductor: Get the hell out of the doors… Now! Not when you feel like it! Damn locals.

–2 train

Overheard by: mo love

Conductor: I know you are not holding the doors on my train! I’ll kick your ass!

–1 train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a One train directly behind this train. Please stand clear of the closing doors [repeats this three times]. Alright, if people don’t stop holding the doors we gonna put this train out of service and then everyone be on the platform! Is that what you want?!

–2 train

Over the PA: Do not hold the doors. Holding the doors causes delayed service. Delayed service causes late service.

–Shuttle Platform, Grand Central

Conductor: If you do not step away from the doors the train will keep sitting here, you will not get where you are going, and I will still get paid.

–S train