Weapons

Who Wednesday One‐Linered Mr. Burns?

Black 30‐something man: And she said, “Nigga, you wanna fuck mah titties wit a gun?”

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Amanda R.

10‐year‐old boy, very loudly, to 10‐year‐old girl: Oh, yeah, well…how many guns have you ever held?

–5 Train

Middle aged white man in shorts: Anyone awake at 2 am should be shot!

–LIRR

Overheard by: L.C.

Street performer, trying to move crowd: Okay, let’s try this! White people, we are not dangerous! (lifts shirt, pats down sides) We are unarmed! Step closer!

–W 45th & 5th

Man on phone: Right. Right. Wait, what? (in shock) He don’t got a gun? Well, he has to have a gun! What kinda game do you think this is?

–J Train

Army dude to friends: People shoot at me every once in awhile. Do I get tipped? No, fuck tips!

–Havanna’s Bar

But I Call Her My Daughter

Anthropology professor: If you have a young girl with a knife who starts ripping up her chest, wipes off the blood, and starts rubbing ash onto her, you might call her eccentric.

–SUNY
Stony Brook, New York

Overheard by: I don’t think I’d call her at all.

And I Hate When She Questions My Hoplology

Greek male #1: Your mother is upset! She is very mad about this!
Greek male #2: She is mad at me?
Greek male #1: Yes! Because you did not take care of the job.
Greek male #2: I did! I used the black knife with the big blade. The good one.
Greek male #1: Oh, very good.
Greek male #2: You are upset. I can see it in your eyes.
Greek male #1: No, I just had a couple of beers.

–Crescent & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Natalie

Is “Polishing Your Guns” a Euphemism?

Suit #1: Yeah, when my daughter is a teenager and boys come calling…
Suit #2, interrupting: You’ll be sitting at the door in your underwear, smoking a cigar and polishing your guns!
(they laugh hysterically)

–E Train

Overheard by: Jess K.

Can We at Least Agree That We Both Hate Freedom?

Little boy with toy machine gun #1: I’m the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #2: I’m the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #1: I’m the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #2: I’m the traitor!
(repeated over and over)

–Marine Park, Brooklyn

The Same Mistake Lizzie Borden’s Parents Made

Father: Do you want a hatchet?
Four‐year‐old son: I need an axe!
Father: You sure?
Four‐year‐old son: Yeah!
Father: Okay!

–Lafayette & Vanderbilt, Brooklyn

Overheard by: off white

That Explains Your 2002 Christmas Card

Michigan tourist: The first time I came to New York, Shannon and I saw two men pull knives on each other – they had a gang fight in the street!
Michigan tourist’s mom: Oh my!
Michigan tourist: It was hysterical. We took pictures.

–Long Island Railroad

That, and Figure Skate.

Freshman girl #1: What’d you do Saturday?
Freshman girl #2: My friend came over and I taught her the difference between a rifle bullet and a shotgun shell…cuz that’s what I was meant to do.

–St. Francis Preparatory School, Queens

Is There a Point to Gun Violence If You’re Already Dead?

Random guy: Yeah, you know you never know who’s walking next to you. Some of dis guys walk around with guns, some of dis guys have killed people. How do you know?
Bus driver: Yeah man, I mean you know if I ever make it to heaven and some of dis guys are up there wit me, I’m gonna be pissed!

–X1 Express Bus

Robin Hood and Maid Marian Clicked from Day One

Guy: I mean, you don’t really need a shotgun to kill deer. I think a bow and arrow is much cooler.
Girl: Totally.

–Otto’s, 14th & B

Overheard by: HaleyBailey

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