Wednesday One-Liners Will TiVo It

Guy: I sold everything — the script, TV episodes, merchandising rights… They paid me two million dollars. It sucks, because after I pay off debts and taxes I’ll only have one million, and that doesn’t go as far as it used to.

–MoMA lobby

Overheard by: foofoo

Fat chick: … So I was like, ‘Mom, what the fuck? I don’t need a diet.’ Then she goes, ‘But your doctor told you that you’re a hundred pounds overweight — eat healthier!’ Then I just told her, ‘Screw you!’ I’d rather go on Maury than lose weight!

–Guggenheim Museum

Overheard by: Maury Povich’s viewer

Tween girl running towards crime scene minutes after a shooting: We’s gonna be on TV, nigga!

–137th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Liberace wannabe on cell: … And I thought, ‘Thank God,! She likes AbFab! At last, I can talk to her on a level playing field!’

–44th & 9th

Conductor: There’s another local train directly behind this one. Plenty of seats, color TV, open bar.

–W train to Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate