Professor: Did those cops find you the other day? They were waiting outside the classroom.
Student: I know. You’re not kidding.
Professor: No, I’m not.
Student: Yeah, I kidnapped the kids over Christmas.
Professor: Good for you.

Arkansas State University

College boy #1: If I were a T-Rex I would fuck shit up.
College boy #2: Yeah, but good luck masturbating.

Hendrix College

Overheard by: College Girl Walking By

Chick looking into her palm, then at thug nearby: Man, I’m a preschool teacher! Don’t sell me the wrong drugs!

Ft. Smith, Arkansas

Overheard by: her best friend

Student #1: Hey, did you notice the huge black wooden sign that's blocking the entrance to the girl's bathroom due to vandalism?
Student #2: Yeah, I heard someone stole one of the urinals.
Student #1: It's a girl's bathroom, though.
Student #2: Don't they use them too?

High School
Gavette, Arkansas

Middle school guy #1: Dude, look at Raymond and tell me he doesn't look like my dad's girlfriend.
Middle school guy #2: What? No way!
Middle school guy #1: It's true. She looks just like Raymond, except she has a woman's body.

Coal Hill, Arkansas

Teen girl: God, sisters can be annoying.
Single child: I don’t have any. Hey, Abby*, do you have siblings?
Abby: Yeah… A younger brother who’s always calling for advice.
Breeder: Andrew, right?
Abby: That’s him. He’s always calling me. ‘Abby, I want to upgrade from dating stupid, ugly girls to pretty, ugly girls — how do I do it? Abby, what color looks better on me, cream or salmon?’
Only male: Right, the not-exactly-gay brother.
Abby, ignoring him: ‘Abby, I was watching porn and my penis twitched sideways — what do I do?’
Purple-haired girl: What?
Teen girl: I hate to admit it, but if my penis was twitching sideways, I’d call you for advice.
Breeder: So, did you know?
Abby: Guys, I was 13! Of course I didn’t know!
Only male: But you know now?
Abby, as entire group stares: … Three possibilities.
Only male: I’ll call you, then, if my penis twitches sideways.

Steak ‘n Shake