Wednesday One-Liners Vary

These Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Stain

Woman on cell: He wouldn’t know where the hell my G-spot was if it hit him in the face with female ejaculation.

–Central Park

Overheard by: albus severus

Garage attendant: Sex is better when you’re all sweaty. If she can’t grab your ass, she’ll slide right off!

–Parking garage, Edgecombe Ave

Overheard by: Lalaith

Frat boy: … So I look down and I see vagina juices all down the side of my pants.

–NYU dining hall

Old Russian lady blows nose into her palm and flings it behind her, almost hitting black woman.

Black woman: Lady, you got to watch what you’re doing! You can’t be doin’ that shit! You almost hit me with your snot!

–Queens Blvd, Rego Park

Dentist: Wow, your saliva just spurted like a whale!

–10th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Woman in dressing room: There’s a booger on the wall in here. I wonder what the proper etiquette is for this.

–MEXX, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Sarah

Open Wide, Wednesday One-Liners!

Big black church lady heading into storefront ministry: It is against the law to suck dick on the street!

–Cypress Hills, Brooklyn

Overheard by: punkee

Ex-frat boy: What if I put a wig on? Would you let me go down on you? Remind you of your college days?

–Goodbye Blue Monday, Bushwick

Student: Baby, baby, baby — I swear to God, yo — swallowing prevents breast cancer and shit.

–Outside Midtown High

Woman: Blowjobs for ludes is a win-win situation.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Dressy lady: I would blow that Kermit parade float.

–Tavern on the Green

Candy-Apple Red Slingback Wednesday One-Liners

Man to friend with horse and carriage: Last week I was a cripple… Then I got these sneakers!

–6th Ave & Central Park South

Boy: … And then he said I was wearin’ my mama’s sneakers, and I said, ‘That’s a lie! Of all the sneakers that both my mom and I have, there are two separate pairs of each! One for me and one for her! They just look a lot alike.’

–Key Foods, Lincoln Pl & Washington Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Yuppie to another: They’re not only taking his money, they’re going after his wife’s shoes!

–Equinox, Lexington Ave

Overheard by: wolf

Plump European woman: I still think of her… She doesn’t believe in shoes.

–Gemini Diner, 33rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Dasha

Girl: If I don’t get the Tory Burch flats, I’m going to cut someone.

–"7th on Sale" Sample Sale

Give Me Fifty CCs of Wednesday One-Liners, Stat!

Drunk girl: As it turns out, while I was away on vacation my husband had a vasectomy without me knowing about it…

–12th & 5th, Park Slope

Dressy guy: Instead of having my colonoscopy today, I think I’ll go to Valentine’s with you.

–3rd & LaGuardia

Woman on cell: So yeah, the surgery went great, and they saved my ovary. Yay! What? Of course I’m still on the pill! Do you think I actually want to use it?

–Grand Central

Overheard by: E

Guy on cell: Yeah, she said it was a cyst and that I probably shouldn’t have tried to perform surgery on myself.

–26th & Park Ave South

Overheard by: Rose Fox

NYU queer: So, are you getting some kind of penis enlargement today, or what?

–Waverly & University

The Scandalous Scanties of Wednesday One-Liners

Blonde on cell: I’m totally excited about getting out of the city and camping for the weekend… Yeah… Yeah… No, I packed like six pairs of underwear — there’s no way I’m going to run out like last time.

–F train

Overheard by: only in NYC

JAP: Yeah, I lost my underwear there last night.

–50th & 6th

80-year-old man on cell: I’m over in the lingerie department. I’m touching all the panties.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Drunk chick: She doesn’t even wear a thong! It’s like she’s a dude or some shit.

–W 10th & Hudson

Middle-aged man: So tell me, how do I unhook a bra?

–Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Walking the bridge

Wednesday One-Liners’ Anatomy

Fat Latina: I remember just squatting over her and stuffing it in her face.

–36th & Park

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Guy: It’s not the eyes in the back of the head, it the lack of a nose in the back of the head that’s the problem.

–N train

Overheard by: sara n.

Chick: My ovaries popped, and he’s giving me shit for it.

–Queens Blvd & Continental Ave

Overheard by: Jacquie

Guy on cell: They need new feet… I don’t know, to walk on!

–7th & 4th, Brooklyn

Chick: A uterus seems like a fun place to be!

–57th & 2nd

Overheard by: Sally S.

Man on cell: Baby, you are the only one who has seen my body! You are the only one who has seen my body!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: bildita

Chipper, early-20s redhead to blonde: Open your ears, woman! Do I have to use my tail?!

–116th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Are All Over the Map

Lesbian: Bitch, you better shut the fuck up before I go Park Slope on your ass!

–1 train

Aging khaki preppy: That’s Strawberry Fields? It looks so… East side.

–Strawberry Fields

Overheard by: turd on the run

Lady tourist: A gay bar — I think it was in Chelsea. Is there a gay bar in Chelsea?

–Metro-North Riverdale station

History buff: Before taxis, there was no Upper West Side.

–12th & 1st

Lady: It’s sort of an ugly day today in Williamsburg. Other days it’s like ripe fruit hanging from the man tree…

–McCarren Park

Queer: This is Chelsea. There’s cum on the floor everywhere!

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Prem

Wednesday One-Liners Sink Their Teeth In

Secretary in stall, to another: I told her that in this position she has to wear her teeth in. You can’t go around here with no teeth in your mouth.

–Office restroom, Midtown

Overheard by: Anonymous Law Firm Employee

Woman on cell: What? Turn your hearing aid up! Put your teeth in! I can’t understand you!

–Prince & Broadway

Guy to girlfriend: Hey, babe, I gotta run to the interview. Can you check my teeth for hairs?

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Guy

Saucy Latina: She has the hair of every dental hygienist I’ve ever known.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McFreaky

Girl on cell: What?! You haven’t showered in a day? At what time? Pedro Miguel*, that is nasty! Your balls must be sweaty and stinky. Smell your underwear… Have you even wiped them with a baby wipe, at least? Have you at least brushed your teeth? You’ve brushed your teeth, but not showered? How is that not nasty?!

–Bx12 bus

Overheard by: SilentButDeadly

Hobo: Does anyone have an extra toothbrush or two dozen eggs to spare?

–Outside Gristede’s, UES

Overheard by: no eggs to spare

Annie Oakley’s Wednesday One-Liners

Young mom to daughter: Rock, paper, scissors means rock, paper, scissors — no guns!

–R train, City Hall

Guy on cell: Where are you? It sounds noisy… Where? Oh, Magnolia… Well, just shoot them all before they breed more little cupcake-eating fuckers.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Barker for "Shoot the Freak" carnival game, to biking couple: Hey! You with the bikes! You support alternative modes of transportation, but do you support shooting people in the freakin’ head?! Step right up!

–Coney Island

Hipster on cell: You just hate me… No, ‘Get shotgun for raccoon’ was first on your errands list, and you ignored it!

–N train

Crazy substitute calculus professor: You cannot square infinity. Anyone who tries to square infinity will be shot. That’s a promise.

–NYU Silver Center

Wednesday One-Liners Can Too Carry a Tune in a Bucket!

Drunk guy singing along to "If You Leave Me Now": Up your ass, up your ass!

–M2M, 11th & 3rd

Overheard by: Lillian

Over conductor’s mic, to tune of Soulja Boy’s "Crank Dat": Super suck my dick! Super suck my dick! Bitch!

–1 train, 96th St

Overheard by: Ruby

Bag lady, singing: If you’re happy and you know it, show your butt cheeks!

–23rd & 2nd

Man, singing: How sweet it is to be loved by… your monkey, monkey, monkey.

–A train, 207th St station

Overheard by: Cat

Man getting into car, clapping hands over head and singing: Woo! They’re gone! They’re gone! They’re gone for a-whiiile!

–JFK, Terminal 6 departures

Overheard by: wondering if it was his inlaws or his children

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