Wednesday One-Liners Vary

The Scandalous Scanties of Wednesday One-Liners

Blonde on cell: I’m totally excited about getting out of the city and camping for the weekend… Yeah… Yeah… No, I packed like six pairs of underwear — there’s no way I’m going to run out like last time.

–F train

Overheard by: only in NYC

JAP: Yeah, I lost my underwear there last night.

–50th & 6th

80-year-old man on cell: I’m over in the lingerie department. I’m touching all the panties.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Drunk chick: She doesn’t even wear a thong! It’s like she’s a dude or some shit.

–W 10th & Hudson

Middle-aged man: So tell me, how do I unhook a bra?

–Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Walking the bridge

Wednesday One-Liners’ Anatomy

Fat Latina: I remember just squatting over her and stuffing it in her face.

–36th & Park

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Guy: It’s not the eyes in the back of the head, it the lack of a nose in the back of the head that’s the problem.

–N train

Overheard by: sara n.

Chick: My ovaries popped, and he’s giving me shit for it.

–Queens Blvd & Continental Ave

Overheard by: Jacquie

Guy on cell: They need new feet… I don’t know, to walk on!

–7th & 4th, Brooklyn

Chick: A uterus seems like a fun place to be!

–57th & 2nd

Overheard by: Sally S.

Man on cell: Baby, you are the only one who has seen my body! You are the only one who has seen my body!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: bildita

Chipper, early-20s redhead to blonde: Open your ears, woman! Do I have to use my tail?!

–116th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Are All Over the Map

Lesbian: Bitch, you better shut the fuck up before I go Park Slope on your ass!

–1 train

Aging khaki preppy: That’s Strawberry Fields? It looks so… East side.

–Strawberry Fields

Overheard by: turd on the run

Lady tourist: A gay bar — I think it was in Chelsea. Is there a gay bar in Chelsea?

–Metro-North Riverdale station

History buff: Before taxis, there was no Upper West Side.

–12th & 1st

Lady: It’s sort of an ugly day today in Williamsburg. Other days it’s like ripe fruit hanging from the man tree…

–McCarren Park

Queer: This is Chelsea. There’s cum on the floor everywhere!

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Prem

Wednesday One-Liners Sink Their Teeth In

Secretary in stall, to another: I told her that in this position she has to wear her teeth in. You can’t go around here with no teeth in your mouth.

–Office restroom, Midtown

Overheard by: Anonymous Law Firm Employee

Woman on cell: What? Turn your hearing aid up! Put your teeth in! I can’t understand you!

–Prince & Broadway

Guy to girlfriend: Hey, babe, I gotta run to the interview. Can you check my teeth for hairs?

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Guy

Saucy Latina: She has the hair of every dental hygienist I’ve ever known.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McFreaky

Girl on cell: What?! You haven’t showered in a day? At what time? Pedro Miguel*, that is nasty! Your balls must be sweaty and stinky. Smell your underwear… Have you even wiped them with a baby wipe, at least? Have you at least brushed your teeth? You’ve brushed your teeth, but not showered? How is that not nasty?!

–Bx12 bus

Overheard by: SilentButDeadly

Hobo: Does anyone have an extra toothbrush or two dozen eggs to spare?

–Outside Gristede’s, UES

Overheard by: no eggs to spare

Annie Oakley’s Wednesday One-Liners

Young mom to daughter: Rock, paper, scissors means rock, paper, scissors — no guns!

–R train, City Hall

Guy on cell: Where are you? It sounds noisy… Where? Oh, Magnolia… Well, just shoot them all before they breed more little cupcake-eating fuckers.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Barker for "Shoot the Freak" carnival game, to biking couple: Hey! You with the bikes! You support alternative modes of transportation, but do you support shooting people in the freakin’ head?! Step right up!

–Coney Island

Hipster on cell: You just hate me… No, ‘Get shotgun for raccoon’ was first on your errands list, and you ignored it!

–N train

Crazy substitute calculus professor: You cannot square infinity. Anyone who tries to square infinity will be shot. That’s a promise.

–NYU Silver Center

Wednesday One-Liners Can Too Carry a Tune in a Bucket!

Drunk guy singing along to "If You Leave Me Now": Up your ass, up your ass!

–M2M, 11th & 3rd

Overheard by: Lillian

Over conductor’s mic, to tune of Soulja Boy’s "Crank Dat": Super suck my dick! Super suck my dick! Bitch!

–1 train, 96th St

Overheard by: Ruby

Bag lady, singing: If you’re happy and you know it, show your butt cheeks!

–23rd & 2nd

Man, singing: How sweet it is to be loved by… your monkey, monkey, monkey.

–A train, 207th St station

Overheard by: Cat

Man getting into car, clapping hands over head and singing: Woo! They’re gone! They’re gone! They’re gone for a-whiiile!

–JFK, Terminal 6 departures

Overheard by: wondering if it was his inlaws or his children

Wednesday Wee-Liners

Woman to little girl: You haven’t hit puberty yet, so you’re still a midget.

–Bloomingdale’s

Overheard by: Emily B.

Little pig-tailed girl, pointing: Look, Daddy! It’s the dwarf from the OTB!

–Court St

Overheard by: katattack

Man selling books, to lady with kid: Check out these baby carriages! There could be an Al-Qaeda midget or something in there… with a machine gun.

–80th & Broadway

Overheard by: Molly

Chick: You’re right! My best friend is gay, and they’re worse than midgets!

–55th & 3rd

Dubya’s Wednesday One-Liners

Chick to friend about date: … And I liked him, but I don’t want to come on too strong. I need to be don-chalant.

–21st, near 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam

Coworker on phone: Mom, it’s Ducci and Gabanna… Ducci — it’s called Ducci and Gabanna!

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Bailey

Laughing woman: I’ma come back to you — let you marinate for a while!

–Daffy’s, Atlantic Ave

Overheard by: MKB

Angry suit on cell: This isn’t the latch-ness monster we’re talking about here.

–48th & Park

Overheard by: Sabrina

Woman on cell: They said I ain’t speak English good!

–43rd & Lex

Overheard by: Mortuary Megan

Marketing chick on cell, about boss: He was so mean to me! I am not un-articulate!

–23rd St

Overheard by: Ruby

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Hear a Word You’re Saying

Mom to two-year-old bawling in stroller: Adriana, I am not going to argue with you — you are not getting an iPod!

–14th St, between 5th & 6th Ave

Panhandler: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m homeless, and I’m hungry. If anyone can help me out with food, something to drink, a spare iPod, a Macy’s gift card, or anything else that rhymes with that, I’d appreciate it. I know you’re human. We have to help each other out. If you were slaves, I’d free all of you. Even the white people.

–Manhattan-bound A train

Overheard by: courtenay

Mother yelling at misbehaving 11-year-old son: Do you want to be grounded from your iPod this weekend?

–22nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Dave H.

Aerobics instructor: Yeah, I’ve got everything I need — I’ve got an iPod, I’ve got a boyfriend…

–W 63rd & West End Ave

Overheard by: Suze V

Gay barista with asymmetrically-fashioned hair: Oh, yeah, I had really fancy ear bud headphones, too… But then I dropped them in a puddle of my own vomit on the subway, so now I have cheap ones. Yeah, that sucked.

–Bushwick Ave, East Williamsburg

Old woman pointing at guy’s iPod: Excuse me, young man, but what is that?

–Times Square shuttle

Overheard by: goofopet

Wednesday One-Liners for Breakfast and Lunch and a Sensible Dinner

Skinny girl: Okay, just because I only eat every two days doesn’t mean I’m anorexic.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: rina

Man: I mean, I don’t see why people pay so much for weight loss surgery! They should just ask to be put in a coma for a few weeks. That will get rid of the weight.

–Central Park

Father, picking up four-year-old son: Can you say the word ‘diet’? Diet. Di-et. Can you say that? Daddy thinks you need one.

–Museum of Natural History

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