Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Close for Comfort

Scholar: I’ve spent most of my time at NYU defending New Jersey.

–Washington Square

Queer: I knew there was a reason I live in New Jersey — I can buy coke.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Natalie

Indignant hobo, to self: State of New Jersey! Yeah, right!

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Conductor: To all of you passengers wandering around looking for seats, there are five empty cars at the front of the train. They’re going to New Jersey, too, you know.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Chick on cell: Geez, Mom! It’s not my fault you decided to have another baby after forty… Well, when you put it that way, I guess it is my fault… Yeah, but you gotta talk to Dad about that last part. I was in Jersey most of that year, remember?

–L train

Overheard by: Kelly

Two-year-old boy, as train emerges from tunnel into New Jersey: Ewww!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: my thoughts exactly

Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Draft

Sorostitute: Everyone has to be naked!

–Wagner College

Overheard by: Heather

Middle-aged lady with hubby, pointing to young band member: Hi! Since we’ve seen you naked on your website, we feel like we already know you!

–Party, LES

Overheard by: Tom

One maintenance worker to another: Look, man, you don’t have to strip if you don’t want to.

–112th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: ColumbiaBrain

Chick: … But she didn’t want to get naked in front of her pet monkey…

–Lucky Cheng’s

Overheard by: ein ladle

Dude: When I got back into the room, he was naked and I was like, ‘What the fuck?!’ I asked him why he was and he said he thought we were gonna do chemistry homework!

–Times Square

Girl: … But is it worth taking off my clothes again?

–Beacon’s Closet dressing room

Overheard by: jayloo

What Exactly Is in Wednesday One-Liners?

Girl wrapped in towel: I’m totally going to put on my body suit… And then I’m going to cook a sausage!

–NYU

Overheard by: Caitlyn

Hispanic male: Ugh, if I see one more sausage, I’m gonna poke myself in the leg.

–Mulberry St

Overheard by: Lucia

Guy on cell: I’m thinking of leaving this business for poultry… No, you need a meat cleaver.

–Fashion District

Overheard by: Emily B.

Thug: Yo, the meat at this place is fresh, son. They got, like, a cow out back, and they be cuttin’ it. The cow be like, ‘Mooo-owww! Mooo-owww!’ Crazy fresh meat, yo. Crazy.

–LES

Chinese-American mom grabbing child’s hand: Don’t touch the meat, or it will bite you!

–Hong Kong Supermarket, 60th & 8th

Art student to another: I can?t believe we have to paint another sausage tonight.

–SVA Building, W 21st St

Old man to friend: I need to go to the Albanian butcher… But I’m afraid to go in there.

–68th St, Queens

Overheard by: Maggie

Half of All Wednesday One-Liners End in Divorce

Girl to friend: Yeah, so when he enlisted, he totally asked me to marry him and was like, ‘I’ll get more money so I can send it to you, and if you really want to get married to someone else some day, then we can get divorced’! And he, like, was totally sincere about it. It was so sweet.

–E 49th & 5th

Overheard by: karen

Young suit: You can’t break up with me just because I married her while we’re engaged! It’s not like I love her or anything… Like you’ve never married anyone for a green card!

–79th & Lex

Overheard by: cd

Man on cell: Hello? Hello? Hey, is that you, Brenda*? Yeah, yeah, it’s me, Mikey*. Say, how you been doin’? Listen, you still married? You happily married? [Long pause.] Oh. Okay, listen, gotta run. You take care of yourself!

–54th & 7th

Woman on cell: If only they made penis-shaped wedding tuxes.

–Victoria’s Secret, Chelsea

Overheard by: Ladle

Professor, on Dido and Aeneas’ relationship in The Aeneid: Fucking in a cave does not equal marriage!

–Sarah Lawrence College

Overheard by: loving her lit lecture

30-something strolling down street, to himself: Oh, shit, I forgot my wife.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kat

Papa Hemingway’s Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: I may be an alcoholic, but I’ve had a lot of fun.

–1 train

Hot chick on cell: Should I drunkenly buy a used corset off the street?

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: McFreaky

Lady on cell: I didn’t throw up and black out — I was just a little drunk.

–3rd & LaGuardia

Overheard by: Jay

White kid to another: Man, if you want to be authentic, we should get forties.

–118th & 3rd

Overheard by: Synthetic

Dude on cell: I don’t really think he’s very busy these days, but he’s an excellent drunk.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: SUSAN

Professor, on crime in the city: So, be aware. I know it’s hard to be aware while you’re intoxicated, but work on it.

–Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liners? Everyone Knows They Don’t Exist!

Teen boy: … Except you’re forgetting that I’m an elf.

–M14D bus

Overheard by: amelia

Girl to friend, both covered in fake blood and wounds: Are you sure this is the right location? I don’t see any other zombies around…

–42nd St

Overheard by: Katie

Hobo: Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir! I’m a goddamn leprechaun!

–W 4th & Waverly

Overheard by: Alex

Teacher: So, I had a dream last night that I was surrounded by zombies. Then I realized it was a dream, and I had a big sword and started swinging it at the zombies’ heads. But the sword was going through them and I was like, ‘What the hell?!’ and then they started turning into my freshmen students from last year…

–Bronx Science

Wednesday One-Liners Need an Extinguisher for Their Pants

Guy on cell: No, I’m upstate.

–F train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Dislocated Upstater

Dude on cell: Dude, I’m at the library!

–Reade & West Broadway

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Man on cell while on bus: Yeah, Mom, I gotta go. I’m getting on the subway.

–99th & Broadway

Overheard by: Zach

Rich lady on cell: Yes, sweetie, I’m in New Jersey now. I miss you, too!

–Wall St

Overheard by: Trillie

Suit on cell: I told you, Jim, I can’t help you now. I’m already in New Jersey!

–Liberty & Broadway

Overheard by: Les Izzmore

Wednesday One-Liners of Color

Queer: ‘Winter white’ used to mean something.

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: JC

Fat guy: I can’t believe I bought a freaking purple litter box.

–Spring & Thompson

Conductor: We have a red signal and should be moving shortly. In the mean time, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.

–A train in tunnel before 59th St

Guy: They should just hang a big pink triangle on him and tell him to stop.

–2nd Ave station

Overheard by: Kira

Guy on cell: Yeah. I use Post-it flags to read GQ. Red for chicks, blue for clothes [continues]…

–Shuttle bus from JFK to Grand Central

Overheard by: post-it flag dependent student

Hobo selling lollipops: Please find God in your hearts and buy a sucker so I can rent a room. I know some of you don’t want to read the Bible — you just want to go home and smoke some weed or whatever, but I got news for every person on this train: I don’t care if you’re black, white, blue, or green, you’re all going to die.

–6 train, 28th St

Overheard by: going home to smoke weed

Fresh-Cut, Deli-Style Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: I’m pretty sure Cheez Doodles® not falling out of the vending machine is a sign of the apocalypse.

–63rd & Madison

Overheard by: Gabby

Dude: Would anyone like some cheese?! I have some cheese in my pocket!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Javi

Crazy hobo: If Bloomberg wants cream cheese, I’m damn well not payin’ for it!

–E train, 59th St

Overheard by: dubyaMD

Suit on cell: If you stopped eating macaroni and cheese, your couch cushions wouldn’t be flat.

–70th St & Colonial Rd, Bay Ridge, Brookyn

Overheard by: Steve

Kid on overcrowded bus: Daddy, it smells like butt cheese!

–125th St

Overheard by: I totally did

Fat black lady, running: I want some cheesecake!

–Times Square

Thanks for the Mammaries, Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to girlfriend: Psh, no wonder! You got tits like an orangutan!

–Francis Lewis High

Stripper on cell: I just finished my fourth shift this week. I’m so tired of seeing titties!

–Outside Scores Gentleman’s Club

Overheard by: Tom

Hipster: It only works for creatures with tits.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Nikki Stellini

Queer: Boobs are so not annoying.

–Astoria

Blonde on cell: So, how was your weekend? … Oh! How did it go? Do they feel like bowling balls? … You wore a snowsuit? Wow, I’ve never heard of anyone who gets breast implants and then hides them!

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: s.

Chick on cell: I mean, what it boils down to is this: I have a really outstanding rack.

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

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