Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Papa Hemingway’s Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: I may be an alcoholic, but I’ve had a lot of fun.

–1 train

Hot chick on cell: Should I drunkenly buy a used corset off the street?

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: McFreaky

Lady on cell: I didn’t throw up and black out — I was just a little drunk.

–3rd & LaGuardia

Overheard by: Jay

White kid to another: Man, if you want to be authentic, we should get forties.

–118th & 3rd

Overheard by: Synthetic

Dude on cell: I don’t really think he’s very busy these days, but he’s an excellent drunk.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: SUSAN

Professor, on crime in the city: So, be aware. I know it’s hard to be aware while you’re intoxicated, but work on it.

–Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liners? Everyone Knows They Don’t Exist!

Teen boy: … Except you’re forgetting that I’m an elf.

–M14D bus

Overheard by: amelia

Girl to friend, both covered in fake blood and wounds: Are you sure this is the right location? I don’t see any other zombies around…

–42nd St

Overheard by: Katie

Hobo: Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir! I’m a goddamn leprechaun!

–W 4th & Waverly

Overheard by: Alex

Teacher: So, I had a dream last night that I was surrounded by zombies. Then I realized it was a dream, and I had a big sword and started swinging it at the zombies’ heads. But the sword was going through them and I was like, ‘What the hell?!’ and then they started turning into my freshmen students from last year…

–Bronx Science

Wednesday One-Liners Need an Extinguisher for Their Pants

Guy on cell: No, I’m upstate.

–F train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Dislocated Upstater

Dude on cell: Dude, I’m at the library!

–Reade & West Broadway

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Man on cell while on bus: Yeah, Mom, I gotta go. I’m getting on the subway.

–99th & Broadway

Overheard by: Zach

Rich lady on cell: Yes, sweetie, I’m in New Jersey now. I miss you, too!

–Wall St

Overheard by: Trillie

Suit on cell: I told you, Jim, I can’t help you now. I’m already in New Jersey!

–Liberty & Broadway

Overheard by: Les Izzmore

Wednesday One-Liners of Color

Queer: ‘Winter white’ used to mean something.

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: JC

Fat guy: I can’t believe I bought a freaking purple litter box.

–Spring & Thompson

Conductor: We have a red signal and should be moving shortly. In the mean time, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.

–A train in tunnel before 59th St

Guy: They should just hang a big pink triangle on him and tell him to stop.

–2nd Ave station

Overheard by: Kira

Guy on cell: Yeah. I use Post-it flags to read GQ. Red for chicks, blue for clothes [continues]…

–Shuttle bus from JFK to Grand Central

Overheard by: post-it flag dependent student

Hobo selling lollipops: Please find God in your hearts and buy a sucker so I can rent a room. I know some of you don’t want to read the Bible — you just want to go home and smoke some weed or whatever, but I got news for every person on this train: I don’t care if you’re black, white, blue, or green, you’re all going to die.

–6 train, 28th St

Overheard by: going home to smoke weed

Fresh-Cut, Deli-Style Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: I’m pretty sure Cheez Doodles® not falling out of the vending machine is a sign of the apocalypse.

–63rd & Madison

Overheard by: Gabby

Dude: Would anyone like some cheese?! I have some cheese in my pocket!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Javi

Crazy hobo: If Bloomberg wants cream cheese, I’m damn well not payin’ for it!

–E train, 59th St

Overheard by: dubyaMD

Suit on cell: If you stopped eating macaroni and cheese, your couch cushions wouldn’t be flat.

–70th St & Colonial Rd, Bay Ridge, Brookyn

Overheard by: Steve

Kid on overcrowded bus: Daddy, it smells like butt cheese!

–125th St

Overheard by: I totally did

Fat black lady, running: I want some cheesecake!

–Times Square

Thanks for the Mammaries, Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to girlfriend: Psh, no wonder! You got tits like an orangutan!

–Francis Lewis High

Stripper on cell: I just finished my fourth shift this week. I’m so tired of seeing titties!

–Outside Scores Gentleman’s Club

Overheard by: Tom

Hipster: It only works for creatures with tits.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Nikki Stellini

Queer: Boobs are so not annoying.

–Astoria

Blonde on cell: So, how was your weekend? … Oh! How did it go? Do they feel like bowling balls? … You wore a snowsuit? Wow, I’ve never heard of anyone who gets breast implants and then hides them!

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: s.

Chick on cell: I mean, what it boils down to is this: I have a really outstanding rack.

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

These Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Stain

Woman on cell: He wouldn’t know where the hell my G-spot was if it hit him in the face with female ejaculation.

–Central Park

Overheard by: albus severus

Garage attendant: Sex is better when you’re all sweaty. If she can’t grab your ass, she’ll slide right off!

–Parking garage, Edgecombe Ave

Overheard by: Lalaith

Frat boy: … So I look down and I see vagina juices all down the side of my pants.

–NYU dining hall

Old Russian lady blows nose into her palm and flings it behind her, almost hitting black woman.

Black woman: Lady, you got to watch what you’re doing! You can’t be doin’ that shit! You almost hit me with your snot!

–Queens Blvd, Rego Park

Dentist: Wow, your saliva just spurted like a whale!

–10th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Woman in dressing room: There’s a booger on the wall in here. I wonder what the proper etiquette is for this.

–MEXX, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Sarah

Open Wide, Wednesday One-Liners!

Big black church lady heading into storefront ministry: It is against the law to suck dick on the street!

–Cypress Hills, Brooklyn

Overheard by: punkee

Ex-frat boy: What if I put a wig on? Would you let me go down on you? Remind you of your college days?

–Goodbye Blue Monday, Bushwick

Student: Baby, baby, baby — I swear to God, yo — swallowing prevents breast cancer and shit.

–Outside Midtown High

Woman: Blowjobs for ludes is a win-win situation.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Dressy lady: I would blow that Kermit parade float.

–Tavern on the Green

Candy-Apple Red Slingback Wednesday One-Liners

Man to friend with horse and carriage: Last week I was a cripple… Then I got these sneakers!

–6th Ave & Central Park South

Boy: … And then he said I was wearin’ my mama’s sneakers, and I said, ‘That’s a lie! Of all the sneakers that both my mom and I have, there are two separate pairs of each! One for me and one for her! They just look a lot alike.’

–Key Foods, Lincoln Pl & Washington Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Yuppie to another: They’re not only taking his money, they’re going after his wife’s shoes!

–Equinox, Lexington Ave

Overheard by: wolf

Plump European woman: I still think of her… She doesn’t believe in shoes.

–Gemini Diner, 33rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Dasha

Girl: If I don’t get the Tory Burch flats, I’m going to cut someone.

–"7th on Sale" Sample Sale

Give Me Fifty CCs of Wednesday One-Liners, Stat!

Drunk girl: As it turns out, while I was away on vacation my husband had a vasectomy without me knowing about it…

–12th & 5th, Park Slope

Dressy guy: Instead of having my colonoscopy today, I think I’ll go to Valentine’s with you.

–3rd & LaGuardia

Woman on cell: So yeah, the surgery went great, and they saved my ovary. Yay! What? Of course I’m still on the pill! Do you think I actually want to use it?

–Grand Central

Overheard by: E

Guy on cell: Yeah, she said it was a cyst and that I probably shouldn’t have tried to perform surgery on myself.

–26th & Park Ave South

Overheard by: Rose Fox

NYU queer: So, are you getting some kind of penis enlargement today, or what?

–Waverly & University

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