Wednesday One-Liners Vary

You Can’t Take Your Wednesday One-Liners with You

Crazy guy on "phone": Yeah… I’m still in New York… I’m still dressed as a bum — you know, so nobody be askin’ me how much money I have… So nobody be askin’ me what I do.

–Burger King

Blind man to butch chick: If you had money, the men would be all over you!

–43rd & Madison

Overheard by: Casey Felago

Worker collecting money for homeless: Donate whatever you got, folks. Anything — a penny, a button, a gum wrapper, one of those awards you won in the fourth grade — you remember those. Come on, folks.

–14th & 4th

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Clown named "Polka-dots," her humor ignored by young woman: Snot! I probably make more money than you do, anyway! [Honks her horn in chick’s face.]

–6 train platform, Spring St

Overheard by: Allyse

Hipster: So, it’s one hundred dollars just to mount the head?!

–53rd & 9th

Conductor on loudspeaker, after making "suspicious packages" announcement: … And remember, there are only three shopping days left. If you don’t know what to get for people, do what I do — make a list. Then go to the people on the list and ask what they want. Then you say to them, ‘If that’s what you want, give me some money, and then I’ll buy it for you!’

–A train

Overheard by: a fan of train conductor humor

Wednesday One-Liners, Brought to You by Home Depot

Thugette: She just gave me a compliment! That don’t mean she’s a lesbian!

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: go rangers!

Man to self: How can you be a vegetarian and a lesbian? It don’t make no sense… How can you be a vegetarian and eat pussy? Don’t make no kinda sense!

–Outside health food store

NYU chick to another: But I don’t want to be a lesbian today…

–In front of Trader Joe’s, 14th St

Hobo: No, women don’t like men! You know who women like? Lesbians! All women have a lesbian girlfriend!

–E train, 53rd & 5th

Overheard by: Little boxes

Blonde to queer: What I found out is that lesbians really like me.

–Outside Nowhere gay bar

Overheard by: lesbians don’t like me

Chubby girl to skinny girl: I’d totally be a lesbian if I wasn’t fat. Nobody likes a fat lesbian.

–MoMA

Is There Life after Wednesday One-Liners?

Dude on cell: The thing is… Is… She was inseminated… By a dead man.

–Outside of Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway

Overheard by: Red Stapler

Hipster suit on cell: Wait, wait, wait. What are the details on this drop-dead clause again?

–MoMA

Man on cell: Well, it’s a shame he’s still alive.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: mma

Hipster girl to friend: Well, you know what? It’s kind of good he killed her.

–L train

Overheard by: keeeem

Woman: He was dead! It was great!

–Penn Station

Hipster: If you take a handful of Grapenuts and don’t add milk, and you hurl them as hard as you can at somebody’s face, you can take out both their eyes and maybe kill them… I can’t believe I spent the whole day at the hospital, and they told me to go to the dentist!

–V Bar cafe, Greenwich Village

Overheard by: sean savage

Angry man on cell: I’ve given her everything! Everything! She wanted me to kill someone! She wanted me to fuck somebody up good! What else can I do?

–15th & 6th

Congratulations — You Have Successfully Befriended Wednesday One-Liners

Man: I don’t really use Facebook anymore… Except to booty-call poke.

–Starbucks, 6th Ave

Chick: If I die, I don’t want a Facebook group in my memory. It’s tacky.

–Broadway & Waverly

Overheard by: Sarah

Web guy: I’d say my mouse hand is ‘strong’ to ‘very strong.’

–46th & 6th

German man to another: [Rambles in German, then] EBay is sin! A sin, I tell you!

–H&M, 34th St

Overheard by: Melissa Coppola

Math teacher who looks like Ali G: So, I took a ‘How ghetto are you?’ quiz on Facebook. Turns out I’m only 61 percent ghetto.

–Bronx Science

Thug to thugette: Fall back — you never know when people gonna be postin’ what you said on the Internet.

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: katattack

Wednesday One-Liners Where the Sun Don’t Shine

Lady on cell: Well, would you still say no if I told you I’d shove graphite up your ass? Oh, you would? Yeah, I mean literally up your ass. You’d still say no? Well, I guess that means I’m coming over tonight, then… And did you want me to bring takeout? Maybe lasagna?

–Dressing room, Anthropologie

Meathead: Yo, 50 foot of chain and a tow-rig couldn’t pull my tongue out of her ass.

–Bleecker & Sullivan

Overheard by: The Greek

Lady suit: No, no… You get it up the butt… You get all the nutrients up the butt.

–43rd & 9th

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Chick on cell: Who wants to shove shit up themselves for seven days?!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Woman exiting elevator, to friend: Yeah, I love you, but you have got to keep your fingers out of my ass.

–Lobby of MCNY, Canal & Varick

Girl yuppie to boy yuppie: The only way he did it was by taking suppositories before every walk.

–9th & 3rd

Overheard by: brigdh

Old guy, after being bumped by passerby: Fucking asshole! Get that shit out of your ass! Stop using those damn tampons!

–23rd & 3rd

Do You Have Wednesday One-Liner Envy?

Chick on cell: I now have people in four states wanting to see his dick.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Man on cell: Haha, whiskey dick.

–89th & 3rd

Overheard by: Zach

Chick to guy: If your dick starts to morph, that’s a bad sign.

–Lucky 13 Saloon, Park Slope

Overheard by: Danielle

Girl, in disbelief: Your penis can shiver?!

–Lafayette & Astor

Male parks department employee on cell: Listen, Ed — you’re gonna think this is a crazy question, but I need to know what size penis you got.

–Prospect Park

Guy: Dude, I drank a shit-load, but I don’t pull my dick out of my pants in public and show it to people! Why do you do that?

–Montague St, Brooklyn Heights

Guy on cell: What?! Oh… Okay, I’ll write on your dick.

–OK Foods

Big, Beautiful Wednesday One-Liners

Young boy to mother: No! I didn’t call you fat!

–27th & 3rd

Overheard by: Andrea Leyton-Mange

Fat chick wearing tiny clothing: I got a belly with a fat pussy.

–4th & 6th

Overheard by: not what i needed to hear

Hobo: I was leaving my wife. I realized I didn’t have to run away, I could just walk. The bitch couldn’t fit through the door.

–A train

Black guy, about fat black girl: Damn, I know Anissa’s jacket be hurtin’! That zipper be like [in falsetto], ‘Heeelp! Let me down! Let me dooown!’

–Manhattan-bound 5 train

Overheard by: Lillian

Lady with sparkly blue eyeshadow: Real Women Have Curves? No, they just fat.

–Blockbuster, Broadway, between 9th & 10th

Wednesday One-Liners Are Good for You!

Fat woman: I’ll be rolling in my grave, sayin’, ‘I ate all them collard greens, y’hear?!’

–President St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Four-year-old girl on bike to two-year-old brother on scooter: Brian, you scared all the salad out of me!

–Ave B, between 5th & 6th St

Overheard by: santa’s boy toy

Fordham student: Some time after I eat asparagus, you’ll all have to come and smell my pee.

–Fordham University

Chick: You can’t live your life in a corn maze.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Elderly carnivore to elderly vegetarian: What about vegetables? They have lives, too.

–Q train

Overheard by: Rich Weksberg

The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday One-Liners

Metro hawker: Free news! Free news! It may not be any good, but hey — it’s free!

–43rd & Lex

Street vendor selling soda: One dollar! … 50 cents! … Free!

–Ground Zero

AM New York guy: Free! And if you want it in French, ‘Parlez-vous fran-free!’

–32nd & Greeley Square

Overheard by: Mary Beth

Flyer guy: Free colored pieces of paper!

–Times Square

Chick: If I didn’t pee on a guy for diamonds, what makes you think I’d pee on one for free?

–Union Square Park

With Wednesday One-Liners Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

Bimbette: Luckily for me, all of my friends are really unhappy.

–Urban Outfitters, Broadway & E Houston

Overheard by: Loring

Little boy to nanny: I don’t want to play with my backup friends today! I hate the transit strike!

–Central Park

JAP: Can we talk about how he went orb hunting with his friends instead of coming to my place to cuddle me?!

–Central Park

20-something chick: I would be a lot closer friends with her if it weren’t for her hair.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Ladle

Eight-year-old girl to younger brother: You don’t deserve to go to your friend’s… You deserve to be punished in a dungeon!

–9th & 5th, Park Slope

Overheard by: brownthomas

Nine-year-old girl to father: All my friends have issues…

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Little girl looking at ice cream cake featuring Dora the Explorer: Look, Mommy — there’s all my friends!

–Dunkin’ Donuts/Baskin Robbins, 30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Wench

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