Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners: The Musical

Crackhead singing to another: You don’t bring me flowerrrs anymorrre.

–Starbucks, W 4th & Grove

Drunk guy crossing street: No touching, ladies… I’m saving myself for divorce. [Sings] Iii’m saving myself for divorrrce!

–36th & Broadway

Conductor: Next stop, New York, New York. [Singing] New York, New York, oh what a beautiful city — New York, New York! [Speaking normally] Penn Station is next, folks.

–NJ Transit

Man running down subway stairwell, singing: At least it’s snowing!

–79th & Broadway

Overheard by: it wasn’t snowing

Girl, singing: I love tweeeed!

–Century 21

Man on bus, singing: I want a vagina for Christmas.

–92nd & 3rd

Brunette, singing: You put the sushi in your coochie and you turn yourself around — that’s what it’s all about!

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Crotchety Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once… Boom!

–Broadway & Prince

Overheard by: amused

Guy: … And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, ‘Does this prove something?!’

–Rare, Bleecker St

Overheard by: Keezles

Blond guy: I had my head in that guy’s crotch so many times today. It was nuts.

–Coral Towers

Overheard by: No Pun Intended

Queer to fag hag: I don’t think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger.

–Urban Outfitters, Union Square

Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong

Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch!

–Columbia University

Who’s Your Wednesday One-Liner?

Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! … That’s fine. I’m mad at my dad anyway.

–Q train to Coney Island

Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!

–86th & Park

Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?

JAP on cell: No, I’m not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father’s West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.

–79th & Park

Overheard by: vibrant

Dude: Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? My belly button, thank you!

–Bronx-bound 2 train

Overheard by: Niv

Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.

–26th & Park Ave South

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don’tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: tommy z

Wednesday One-Liners Blame It on the Dog

Clerk: A fart is just a preview of your shit.

–Urban Outfitters dressing room, 6th Ave

Overheard by: NYMD

Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!

–3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B

Overheard by: Margaret Cho’s Little Sister

Fart noise occurs twice.

Woman sheepishly looking into purse, to crowd: My kid put that ringtone on my cell, and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

–109th & 3rd

Guy running out of school: Oh, thank God — thank you, Lord! Thank you so much! [Lets out immense fart.] Christ, I’ve been holding that in since lunch!

–Outside Bard High School Early College, East Houston St

Girl on cell: You know when you have to fart really bad, but you can’t because, y’know, you might shart? That’s me right now. That’s me.

–9th & Broadway

Gassy man: I hope people are enjoying the warmth from my fart!

–Times Square

Just the Nicest Wednesday One-Liners You’d Ever Hope to Find

Dude: You really are a nice guy, and it’s a good thing you’re such a nice guy, because if you weren’t, you’d totally be an asshole.

–Lobby of Le Parker Meridien

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl: Oh my god, she’s so nice. She’s a chiropractor and a stripper!

–F train stop, Park Slope

Guy on cell: Yeah, it was nice. I had a real nice time… Yup, she was cremated.

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: kdice

Guy on cell: I know! I know! It’s like getting laid! It’s like getting laid! I mean, like, you’re having a nice dinner, you have a nice wine, but like, is she gonna drop her skirt? You can’t tell yet if she’s gonna drop her skirt!

–Outside Grand Central

Overheard by: Sarah

20-ish girl to friend: Thank you! You’re such a nice person. Except when you’re hungry.

–23rd & 7th

Skanktacular Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: It’s like that saying, you know? ‘The pot calling the kettle a slut.’

–W 63rd St

Overheard by: JustVisiting

Woman to table of people: … Although I’m pretty sure it says ‘slut’ in my medical file…

–Rolf’s, 22nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Ladle

JAP: You can’t put a price on casual sex.

–110th & Broadway

Female employee on break, to man: I’m what’s called a nymphomaniac. I’ll do it anywhere — on the bus, the train, in the bathroom, in Chick-Fil-A…

–NYU dining hall

Chick on cell: So yeah — now I have to see this guy on Monday and work with him. I never work with him, but the minute I bone him, now I get to work with him. It’s like the walk of shame drawn out for days… Hey, I can’t help it if this keeps happening to me… I guess I need to not get drunk and screw my coworkers.

–89th & Columbus

Overheard by: Lala

College girl to friends: I guess you could say it was a friends with benefits sort of thing, except that we only slept together.

–Columbus Circle subway exit

Overheard by: confused by the definition

Mellow, Yellow Wednesday One-Liners

Queer to another: It’s okay to pee on people. Either you do it or you don’t, and I’ve done it a lot.

–L train

Stumbling drunk girl to friends: All I was thinking was, ‘Oh, God, I hope he doesn’t pee on me!’

–Mott & Bayard St

Chick: I wish I could pee standing up. If I could pee standing up, I would pee out this window. Did you ever wonder where this door goes? It’s like the door to a secret land or something!

–Education building, NYU

Middle-aged guy: I used to pee on the floor just to get attention!

–Lincoln Center

Girl: Can you hold this while I… release my urine?

–The Met

Watch Where You’re Sticking Your Wednesday One-Liner

Woman to another: Yeah, that’s true, but she has a huge uterus anyway.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: Will Couchon

Black lady: I had to shut his throat and it was all [violent gurgling noises].

–Varick & King St

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

NYU blonde to friend: I wish I was made of pixels… But cells are sorta like pixels, right? So yay, I am!

–D train

Overheard by: keeeem

Flyer guy: Here you go, sexy! [Brunette ignores him and keeps walking.] I’ll take you home and bite you! I’ll bite a nice big chunk out of your thigh!

–Broadway & Liberty

Overheard by: ouch ouch

White girl: Ow, my face! I mean my head! I mean my arm…

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: jules

Grungy middle-aged man: I’m picking my nose! I’m picking my nose!

–St. Mark’s & 3rd Ave

All the World’s a Wednesday One-Liner

Elderly man to wife: Well, I haven’t read the review yet, but I think I liked it!

–Second Stage Theatre, after Euridice performance, 43rd & 8th

Overheard by: Kate McVety

Girl on cell: There needs to be a Mean Girls musical, and you have to be in it.

–50th & Broadway

Overheard by: Maggie

Director: You know, I think we’ll actually leave the movie projector on stage for the whole show, as a metaphor or some shit.

–Great Jones St

Old lady to daughter during production of Vinegar Tom: You always bring me to the dirtiest shows!

–Center for the Arts, College of Staten Island

Aspiring actor on cell: The good thing about this play is– No, it’s not just me. The really great thing about this play is the sex.

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: if the sex is with him, count me in

Chick, about play where leading lady gets raped: Why is everyone like, ‘Oh my god, she was raped!’ Rape has happened forever. Sooo many people get raped — this isn’t a shocker. Why are we spending all our time talking about this part of the play? I mean, rape happens.

–Silver Center, Washington Square Park

Overheard by: sizzle

Older woman: So, what’s the name of that ‘chaperone’ play? ‘The Dirty Chaperone’? Oh, well. They will know which one I mean.

–TKTS booth

A Sorry Sack of Wednesday One-Liners

12-year-old boy playing on escalator: Oops, sorry! Gotta get rid of the calories somehow!

–Duane Reade, 57th & 6th

Overheard by: liz

Old lady to Indian girl bending to pick up and return stranger’s dropped wallet: I always knew you Iraqis were a good people. I’m so sorry about the war.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Amused friend

Big black girl, after getting her foot stepped on: You can say you’re fucking sorry. I’ll punch you in the face. Bitch, I have postpartum depression.

–A train

Mom to three year-old dragging her into Dunkin’ Donuts: I’m sorry, honey, no coffee right now.

–10th & 2nd

Overheard by: Johanna

Dude on payphone: I’m sorry your pipes burst, Mom, but at least you have pipes to burst!

–3rd Ave & Astor Pl

Overheard by: Melissa

Waiter to hungry customers: I’m so sorry for the delay. We dropped a dish and so we’re redoing your whole order. As you can see, I’m eating the pasta we made for you…

–105th & Broadway

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