Guido: It just depends where you put your penis.
–South Street Seaport
Guido on cell: Can I get a blowjob with that too? (pause) Mmmm ,yeah. Where are you right now?
–Wagner College
Overheard by: Ferch
Guido: I'm about to go back to Men's Warehouse and be like, "what the fuck?"
–51st St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Puerto Rican girl: That's it! Koreans are like Asian Guidos! Except they don't tan…
–59th & 10th
Overheard by: shawn
Ghetto girl to booty-smacking friends who knocked into passerby: Damn, girl! See what happens when you got a big ass? Innocent bystanders get hit!
–7 train
Overheard by: bill R
Young guy: I don’t know names, I just know booties and faces.
–11th St Pier
Truck driver to old lady standing off curb: Back that ass up!
–Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Christine
Hobo to girl in striped spandex leggings: Ummm… Um, that’s some ass. I wish I could develop lockjaw and never let go!
–E 5th St, between 1st & 2nd
Middle-aged guy: … And so she’s like, ‘Why do you want a house in the Hamptons when you have a house in the city?’ Why? Because I can’t look at fine ass in the city.
–Chinatown
Overheard by: Rosie
NYU fashionista: Oh my god — I am, like, so poor that my parents might sell my horse!
–Washington Square Park
Hipster girl: He grew up in a neighborhood so poor his purebred dog got stolen!
–Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Confused hippie: Wait, Mexicans carry Louis Vuitton bags? I thought that they were poor. Isn’t that why we’re supposed to feel sorry for them?
–Alligator Lounge, Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Salvation Army bell ringer: Donate money for the poor! Do something good for once in your life!
–5th Ave
Overheard by: Katrina
Lady in fur coat to friend without one: Just go to Mexico — you won’t feel so poor there.
–Leaving Henri Bendel, 5th Ave
Tourist on cell: So, what do you want me to bring you back from NYC? A fake Louis Vuitton bag? Or fake Chanel perfume?
–57th & 7th
Bimbette: I just don’t have the energy to have a fake conversation.
–LIRR
Overheard by: tired
Large black man laughing to self: They thought I was a fake doughnut.
–1 train
Overheard by: Craig
Offended girl: Look at this fake snow! It mocks us! Fuck you, fake snow!
–Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: In complete agreement
Old man on cell: Oh, God, I was drunk out of my mind. I was drunk, drunk, drunk… Yeah, I was so drunk I don’t even remember being arrested. I woke up and I was like, ‘Where the fuck am I?’
–Washington Square Park
Buff black guy to small black guy: Maybe you should go to jail to get your weight up.
–153rd & Edgecombe
Overheard by: DaHustler
Guy on bench to friend: There is no way you’re not going to jail tonight.
–Outside Whole Foods
Overheard by: Big Apple repeat offender – just visiting
Tough guy on cell: Man, what are you worried about? So what if they brought you in? It’s not assault if you didn’t use a weapon, right?
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Chicagoan in NY for first time
Guy on cell: That would have been worse! Then I would have been resisting arrest at a black tie event!
–35th St, between 8th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Jason
20-ish guy to friends: Talk about sweat — I never swat so much in my life!
–Bleecker & MacDougal
Blonde: I’m not a naysayer! I’m not! I’m a yes-sayer… An ambiguous answer-sayer…
–Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Bimbette: Oh my god, I was dramatized! I couldn’t even look at him.
–Staten Island Ferry
Suit: I just walked into Barnes and Nizzle to take a wizzle.
–Barnes & Noble, 22nd St
Guy to friend: If the Yankees win the first two, it’ll be a swept.
–Rockefeller Center
Paint department clerk to customer: Do you want interior or outerior?
–Home Depot, Brooklyn
Supermarket cashier: I was actually valedictorian in high school, and I wore four-inch heels to graduation. And surprise, surprise — I falled.
–Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Crackhead singing to another: You don’t bring me flowerrrs anymorrre.
–Starbucks, W 4th & Grove
Drunk guy crossing street: No touching, ladies… I’m saving myself for divorce. [Sings] Iii’m saving myself for divorrrce!
–36th & Broadway
Conductor: Next stop, New York, New York. [Singing] New York, New York, oh what a beautiful city — New York, New York! [Speaking normally] Penn Station is next, folks.
–NJ Transit
Man running down subway stairwell, singing: At least it’s snowing!
–79th & Broadway
Overheard by: it wasn’t snowing
Girl, singing: I love tweeeed!
–Century 21
Man on bus, singing: I want a vagina for Christmas.
–92nd & 3rd
Brunette, singing: You put the sushi in your coochie and you turn yourself around — that’s what it’s all about!
–Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once… Boom!
–Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: amused
Guy: … And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, ‘Does this prove something?!’
–Rare, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Keezles
Blond guy: I had my head in that guy’s crotch so many times today. It was nuts.
–Coral Towers
Overheard by: No Pun Intended
Queer to fag hag: I don’t think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger.
–Urban Outfitters, Union Square
Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong
Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch!
–Columbia University
Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! … That’s fine. I’m mad at my dad anyway.
–Q train to Coney Island
Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!
–86th & Park
Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?
JAP on cell: No, I’m not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father’s West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.
–79th & Park
Overheard by: vibrant
Dude: Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? My belly button, thank you!
–Bronx-bound 2 train
Overheard by: Niv
Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.
–26th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don’tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.
–Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: tommy z
Clerk: A fart is just a preview of your shit.
–Urban Outfitters dressing room, 6th Ave
Overheard by: NYMD
Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!
–3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B
Overheard by: Margaret Cho’s Little Sister
Fart noise occurs twice.
Woman sheepishly looking into purse, to crowd: My kid put that ringtone on my cell, and I don’t know how to get rid of it.
–109th & 3rd
Guy running out of school: Oh, thank God — thank you, Lord! Thank you so much! [Lets out immense fart.] Christ, I’ve been holding that in since lunch!
–Outside Bard High School Early College, East Houston St
Girl on cell: You know when you have to fart really bad, but you can’t because, y’know, you might shart? That’s me right now. That’s me.
–9th & Broadway
Gassy man: I hope people are enjoying the warmth from my fart!
–Times Square
