Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Even Fold Their Maps Properly

Girl: We should spend less money on the war in Iraq and use it to help countries like Africa.

–Principles of Economics lecture, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ed

Receptionist: I?m sorry, Mr. Jones* is out of the country… He went to Florida.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Effy

Vendor: Welcome to Coney Island!

–Union Square

Irish tourists: Which direction is the lake?

–West Broadway & Canal St

Overheard by: Confused

Woman: Yeah, it’s the five bureaus: Manhattan, Harlem, Brooklyn, the Bronx, and Staten Island.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Amused

The Wednesday One-Liner Whisperer

Crazy guy to squirrel: Hey, Lamar! Get back here! You can’t stay out here, you gonna get hurt!

–Union Square

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Woman to barking dog: Shhh, this is a library!

–Outside Seward Park Library, Chinatown

Horse-drawn carriage-driving hobo, to horse: You faggot child of the Kennedys!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Cracker Chick

Guy to dog: No boyfriends today! You can have boyfriends tomorrow.

–Steinway St, Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Wednesday One-Liners for Sale!

Teen girl to young boy: You can’t sell Fruit Roll-Ups and wear a Raiders hat at the same time.

–Taco Bell, W14th St

Overheard by: Heather Baharestani

Woman on cell: Just sell it for drug money!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Edyna

Corner boy: From now on I’m only gonna sell weed in the mornings. In the afternoons I’m gonna buy it for myself.

–142nd & Amsterdam

Dad orbited by three energetic young boys, to nobody in particular: Kids for sale… Kids for sale…

–53rd & 2nd

Guy to girl waiting in car: … And don’t talk to any strange men selling jeans!

–7th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rosangela

Wednesday One-Liners Miss Their Trans Fats

Mom to kids: What do you want for dinner? Burger King or Dunkin’ Donuts?

–42nd St & Queens Blvd

Overheard by: court

Lady to friend: Did you want to go here or Kentucky Fried Chicken? Yeah, lets go to KFC. The chicken here looks like it was soaked in grease. I want fried chicken.

–Yips, 18 Beaver St

Subway performer: Can you guys help me out? I take pennies, I take hundreds, I take business cards… Hell, I take white people’s shoes and socks! [To random passenger] Awww, shit, girl — I take phone numbers, too! … You like White Castle? Daaamn.

–Downtown 4/5 Train

Overheard by: Bemused Spectator

Girly man: So I’m like, ‘I’m at Tace Bell, and I don’t know if I should order the quesadilla or a taco,’ and she’s like, ‘Is this an emergency?’ and I’m like, ‘No, but I paid for this service…’

–Bank of America

Sex ad space salesman to client on phone: Yeah the [Village] Voice is the McDonald’s of sex ads.

–Classified office, New York Observer

Overheard by: Seanzi

Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad Relationship Skills

Man on cell: If the girl does not say no, or does not back away, or does not seem to be pulling away… then that means she really likes you.

–Union Square

Dude: I’m needy and you do stuff for me. That’s how our relationship works.

–2nd Ave. & St. Mark’s Place

Girl on cell: Yeah, yeah, she’s definitely your type. She’s definitely your type… Yup, she’s bow-legged and pigeon-toed…

–16th & 6th

Boyfriend: Listen, you’re dissatisfied with me, and I’m dissatisfied with me. We have something in common! I think this relationship can work.

–32nd & 6th

Girlfriend: I wish you were asexual, except when it comes to me. That way you would only want to have sex with me. [Boyfriend stares.] Actually, I don’t wish that. I wish you’d like girls, but you’d find me so attractive that every time you’d even look at another girl, you’d find her ugly compared to me.

–36th & 3rd

Overheard by: Eryn

NYU freshman girl: I have a boyfriend — I don’t need a social life.

–Starbucks

Wednesday One-Liners Will Use a Condom Next Time

Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Scolding mother to little son as she yanks him along: You tryin’ to be hip? You tryin’ to be a hipster? Is that how they do it?

–Prospect Park

Mom to infant who keeps dropping his toy: Okay, let’s try this — how ’bout I throw you on the ground?!

–13th & 5th

Mother to chatty child: Don’t you have your pacifier? So pacify!

–Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn

Child-free woman to stranger’s crying baby: Oh, wait, things get much worse.

–Throggs Neck, Bronx

Overheard by: Jeri

Only Wednesday One-Liners Get to Use the N-Word

Black woman to tanning salon flyer guy soliciting her: Nigga, you be blind!

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

White woman on cell: I cannot meet you there — that’s a black neighborhood. [Looks around. to find that everyone else in line is black, and pharmacist is black.] Oops.

–Duane Reade

Little girl pointing at black receptionist: Pocahontas!

–Dermatologist, UES

Overheard by: Kate

Black suit: Oh, I’m the only black man in America who watches Felicity?!

–Washington Square Park

Black queer on cell: I believe she set black people back 20 years by rhyming ‘Lexington’ with ‘Nextel.’

–Fort Tryon Park

Overheard by: Pies

Sports editor: We need more magical black men.

–Columbia Spectator office

Overheard by: Kavitha

Jesus Was a Wednesday One-Liner!

Shiksa: No, I’m not Jewish. I just have a blood disease.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Natalie

Worker: So. if you go on the first floor, it has all the information on Jewish heritage. The second floor is mainly about the Holocaust and the Nazis and why we hate them. And the third floor is just about Jewish life today.

–Museum of Jewish Heritage

Chick: Jews and gypsies are totally the same thing…

–9th & 2nd

Overheard by: lezbotron

Teen girl: I mean, I may have no morals, but I will not fuck a Jew on Yom Kippur.

–Union Square

Nine-year-old boy: George Bush likes the Jews. That’s why only Jews are allowed to hitchhike.

–Main St

Wednesday One-Liners Are Out Shaking Hands and Kissing Babies

Woman examining broken window on her mini-van: This is bullshit! It’s freakin’ Democrats!

–24th, between 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Michael C.

Chick: Play lacrosse and have gang-bangs with chicks — that’s what Republicans do.

–44th & 5th

Little girl: Is George Bush a Republican or a Dominican?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Carrie

Fat, sweaty guy: Excuse me, people! Sweaty liberal coming through! [Crowd parts.]

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: kiran

40-something tourist to her daughter: All the homeless may be Democrats, but not all Democrats are homeless.

–Canal & Broadway

Overheard by: not yet anyway

Your In-Flight Movie Today Will Be Wednesday One-Liners

Voice over intercom: This is Delta Airlines flight number 1-2-3-4* paging passenger Eric Ansen*. Would you please report to gate D-7? The captain would like to depart. Thank you.

–LaGuardia

Over the intercom: We’d like to welcome you to Atlanta’s Hartsfield International Airport–.
[Voice cuts out, then back in.] We’d like to welcome you to New York’s LaGuardia International Airport…

–Flight from Atlanta, LaGuardia

Pilot: Like any pilot, I like to hear myself talk… All you’re hearing now is ‘Blah, blah, blah.’

–Delta flight, JFK

Overheard by: Lalaith

Pilot: We’re now ready for departure. Flight attendants, please restrain yourselves.

–JFK

Overheard by: Chuckles

Stewardess, sounding surprised during landing: Great job, honey.

–JFK

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