Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Craptacular Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to friend: I’ll poop on them! I’ll poop all over anyone or anything — that’s not the problem. Just please don’t cut my vagina!

–34th St

Overheard by: tori

High school kid: So, we’re on the train and he pulls down and his pants and takes a shit right there on the seat! To top it off, he takes the shit and starts writing with it. He writes ‘This train smells shitty’ with the shit! [After kid leaves with posse, old lady bursts out laughing.]

–McDonald’s, Ditmars

Overheard by: it was her!

Crackhead to no one, checking out lady passerby: Damn, look at that ass! I’d suck the shit outta that ass…

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: wasn’t that nice

Man, pointing to woman’s dog: You have to squeeze his innards to make sure he poops at the right time…

–15th & Union Square West

Overheard by: glad i’m not that dog….

Drunk girl to kneeling friend: I’m gonna shit on your face!

–10th & 3rd

Asian guy: Horse shit is awesome!

–The Met

Wednesday One-Liners Thought Pulling Out Would Work

Woman on cell: … Then, when she found out my dog was pregnant, she stopped talking to me.

–77th & Broadway

22-year-old girl: I waited eight years before I got pregnant again, and I got in three fights while I was pregnant with him, but only two with this one. But one of those doesn’t really count, because I punched that bitch in the face and she was out.

–R train

Guy on cell: Yeah? I wish my mother was smoking crack when she was pregnant with me!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: walking by

Guy on cell: You’re pregnant? Who’s the father? Steve?! That’s why God invented abortions.

–NYU

Overheard by: Jeffrey Lebowski

Tween girl: … And a bunch of pregnant people started slapping each other!

–84th & 5th

Overheard by: Olivia

Thug to girlfriend: Who you pregnant about? ‘Cause it ain’t mine!

–23rd St station

Wednesday One-Liners Bump Uglies

Hipster girl: Yeah, but there’s a big difference between having a social life and having a social life with someone you want to have sex with.

–Bedford Ave

Lady: So, do you even want to put that in me anymore?

–46th & Broadway

Overheard by: Luke

Black guy to posse: What?! I don’t go to the ones where you can have sex with them!

–Chelsea

20-ish girl to friend: Dude, he, like, humps my leg on command!

–19th & Broadway

Overheard by: sweetchuck

White girl to friends: Just remember — I made a sex tape so you don’t have to!

–Bar 13

Hey, Sports Fans, It’s Wednesday One-Liners!

Girl: When I lived in Miami is when I really got into ice hockey.

–8th & Mercer

Black guy to white friends: Yo, Mets got no ‘rithmetic!

–63rd & Queens Blvd

Conductor over PA: Well, fuck me! Either we go bowling or we don’t go bowling!

–R train, 5th Ave

Drunk girl: I’d rather change my vagina into a penis than be a Devils fan!

–Ranger Game, MSG

Conductor: Welcome to New York’s Penn Station. This will be the last stop. Today has been declared ‘Be Nice to a Met Day.’ If you see anyone in a Mets jersey or t-shirt, be nice to them. They’ve had a rough couple of weeks.

–NJ Transit

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Discharge, but Not from the Army

Girl: I gotta wake up at eight AM for this class, and I ain’t even curin’ AIDS or anythin’!

–Columbia University

Teen buying travel-size toothpaste, toothbrush, and mouthwash: Do you have a bathroom?! Can I use your bathroom?! I just made out with a guy who has herpes — you have to let me use the goddamn bathroom!

–Duane Reade, Amsterdam

JAP on cell: Well, was it a lot of herpes?

–24th & 6th

Overheard by: Austin

Chick: It was alright… He did me in the butt. Wait… Can you get STDs from doing it in the butt? [Friend laughs.] What’s funny? I’m serious!

–Manhattan-bound L train

Suit on cell: He wants a birthday present, too? I already gave him chlamydia this week! Who does he think I am, fucking Santa?!

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: JoshOnTheBus

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Just a Phase, Dad

Amazed guy: So, I totally thought I was gay ’til I fucked her!

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Wex

Hot Indian girl with friend: I should host a gay reading hour where I regale the gays with stories of my encounters with B-list celebrities. They can all sit on a carpet at my feet.

–S’Nice, off 8th Ave

Overheard by: Robert

Suit: I had to move to Westchester — my wife would’ve found out I was gay if we stayed in the city.

–38th & 5th

Biotech: Protesting is gay.

–Manhattan College

Overheard by: Marco M.

Teen hipster, vehemently: I swear, I was talking about this with my mom. I really want to be a gay man!

–Hammerstein Ballroom

Pretty mom on cell, pushing stroller: She’s gay… Well, mostly gay. She’ll fuck a guy in a pinch.

–7th Ave & Union, Park Slope

Wednesday One-Liners Played Grand Theft Auto in Drivers’ Ed

EMT assisting guy covered in blood: We’re going to take you to Wyckoff Hospital. It’s– oh, man! You have a Wii!

–Bushwick

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Mom to son playing video game poorly: No! You gotta get out the way! Don’t let them things get ya! Them sharks is trying to get ya! [Sighs.]

–125th St station

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Man to friend: Okay, so we’ll go play some video games and then go watch some naked women.

–Times Square

Little boy cheering on friend playing game: Yay, you get to kill people!

–GameStop, South St Seaport

Overheard by: Robert

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Believe the Filth and the Prices

NY-er, as visitor friend hesitates at crosswalk: It is so touristy to be afraid of getting hit by cars.

–34th & Broadway

Father to young son: The species tourist vulgaris is identified by the fanny pack and the new white sneakers.

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: poomer

Woman with southern twang: The only good thing about living in this shithole is at least no one thinks I’m a tourist anymore.

–Woodhaven & Jamaica

Chick seeing group of Japanese tourists with cameras and "I <3 NY" shirts: Stereotype! –Washington Square Park Overheard by: lezbotron

The Breastesses of Wednesday One-Liners

Puerto Rican mom to son eating sour candies: You best not be gettin’ that sugar all over my titties, nigga!

–4 train to Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Carly

Hipster girl: So, he asked if he could touch my boob, but I told him I already had someone.

–Studio B

Overheard by: Trosster

Man: You fucking impostor! Impostor! Men have chests, not titties, bitch!

–Lincoln Place, Prospect Heights, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Audrey

Woman: Okay, should we start a Facebook group for people with great cleavage? Or is that déclassé?

–Bedford & 7th, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ladle

French woman to friend: You can’t have breasts in New York.

–Elevator, Magazine publishing company

Wednesday One-Liners: For All Your 2000 Parts

Middle-aged man: If I wanted to gouge his eyes out, I’d have his eyes in my pocket right now.

–11th & 5th

Overheard by: Max

Fat teen: I don’t know about you, but my clit is real low… Like, down near my ass.

–110th & Central Park West

Overheard by: Kong

Guy on cell: What fell out yo’ foot? What do you mean, the bone fell out yo’ foot! Put it back in!

–Penn Station

Woman preaching to two friends: I can’t believe he couldn’t find the ovary. I mean, if you’ve seen an ovary once, you know how to find it again. It’s not hard.

–F train

Overheard by: commuter

Woman on cell: I’m sorry, baby, what part of your body are you talking about? … Oh, God.

–A train

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