Wednesday One-Liners Vary

To Wednesday, Perchance to One-Liner

Conductor: Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey!

–Penn Station

College girl: Oh, no-no-no-no. Do not even get me started on teacher-student fantasies, okay? I have dreamed about my senior year English teacher every night for months, okay? It’s magical, yet haunting, yet I’m terrified but don’t want it to stop. It’s taken over my mind. So don’t even try to compete with me on teacher-student fantasies. You will lose.

–Columbia University

Middle schooler: Sometimes, when I look at certain people, I feel so tired.

–School bus stop, 5th & 5th

Chick: I know, and I’m addicted to dreams, too!

–Broadway & Washington Pl

Overheard by: Janet

Conductor: We now return you to your regularly scheduled nap, already in progress.

–Metro-North, 125th St

A Slutathon of Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl on cell: So, I ended up giving him head in a closet at Allie’s party. Am I a skank? Yes. Do I care? No.

–Starbucks

Chick on cell: I have casual, meaningless sex. It’s what I do. It’s like a cornerstone of my life… Yeah, so why is he calling me to tell me what he’s buying at the grocery store? It’s like, ‘Call your fucking girlfriend for that.’

–E 93rd & 2nd

Overheard by: aunt petunia

Man on cell: … Coming from a woman who’s having an adulterous affair. Yes, I’m a total slut. I take no offense at that.

–Broadway, between Prince & Spring

Overheard by: Leslie G.

Saucy chick: I was hoping you had a juicy connection to him via a slutty friend at Oberlin.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Chick on cell: Of course I will be in your wedding party, as long as you don’t call me ‘maid.’ I looked up the definition, and it means ‘sexually inexperienced.’ They don’t call it ‘man-whore of honor.’

–Bus stop, Flatbush & 7th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lala

Dude to chick: Having self respect is too hard. You should be a slut. At least for a little while.

–Chambers St

Overheard by: maria

Wednesday and Its One-Linericiousness

Black chick to friend: Are you sure you want to invite them? They aren’t re-niggers, are they? You know, niggers that renege a lot?

–Dressing room, Roosevelt Field Mall

Overheard by: horrified in the next dressing room

Guy on cell: They fucked with me! I need to get into those classes, and now I won’t graduate ’til… Neveruary!

–9th & 2nd

Bimbette on cell: But you can’t lollygag! You can’t even textygag!

–Metro-North

Professor: Hmmm… Blackboard is down… That could be problematical.

–Baruch College

Overheard by: I Am McLoVey

Young mom to squirming toddler: Why is you beastin’?

–Lexington Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Buy Me Love

Nerdy kid to friend: Man, if I had more money, I’d totally be a goth.

–Bedford Ave station

Man on cell: The only acceptable excuse is that the plane went down, and when you emerged unscathed, the money was gone!

–Montague & Clinton, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Cait

Loud Jamaican lady on cell: Why you give my money to someone else? You transfer my money to someone else’s account! No. No. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-no. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna come down to the bank. I’m gonna come down to the bank and tell them that’s rude!

–7 train

Overheard by: Right after afternoon tea, but before busting a cap in someone’s ass

Man at ATM, to girlfriend: Wow, I just realized I don’t need money right now, but I like coming in here so I can feel rich.

–Commerce Bank, 95th & Broadway

Overheard by: Andrea Reese

Wednesday One-Liners Are Only Foreskin Deep

Man to cop: I know my dick is big, but I didn’t know it was illegal.

–Yankee Stadium bathroom

Overheard by: howie ray

Guy: My penis practically has a halo right now.

–N 10th & Bedford

Australian lady: Oh, look! It’s the penis people again!

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Girl on cell: So, wait — let me get this straight — last night you dreamed that you were coming out of the shower, looked down, and saw my head instead of your dick? … Well, was my head in the shape of a dick? … Oh, then no, that’s not weird.

–Sullivan St

Overheard by: someone needs new friends

Big black lady on cell: His penis was about as big as… Hmmm, let me see here… Probably that stop sign over there. Yeah, that looks about right.

–25th & 6th

WASP lady to friend: … And then, I mean, you save the really expensive stuff for the penis.

–89th & Madison

Overheard by: Dani

You Look Like People Who Could Use Some Wednesday One-Liners

Paper guy: AM News! AM News! Low prices! Low-tech news!

–Greeley Square, 32nd St

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Thug handing out flyers: You don’t have to take one, it’s okay, because at the end of the day I’ll still be crisp.

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Alex Berkowitz

Umbrella vendor, after it starts raining: It’s not too late… Save her hairdo!

–W. 47th St. & Broadway

Overheard by: Maggie

Flyer guy: Oh, man, I can’t do this — this job ain’t for me. I can’t take all the rejection!

–Clinton & Delancey

Guy selling umbrellas: I believe in all of you! I have umbrellas for you!

–33rd & 7th

Overheard by: smoon

Craptacular Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to friend: I’ll poop on them! I’ll poop all over anyone or anything — that’s not the problem. Just please don’t cut my vagina!

–34th St

Overheard by: tori

High school kid: So, we’re on the train and he pulls down and his pants and takes a shit right there on the seat! To top it off, he takes the shit and starts writing with it. He writes ‘This train smells shitty’ with the shit! [After kid leaves with posse, old lady bursts out laughing.]

–McDonald’s, Ditmars

Overheard by: it was her!

Crackhead to no one, checking out lady passerby: Damn, look at that ass! I’d suck the shit outta that ass…

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: wasn’t that nice

Man, pointing to woman’s dog: You have to squeeze his innards to make sure he poops at the right time…

–15th & Union Square West

Overheard by: glad i’m not that dog….

Drunk girl to kneeling friend: I’m gonna shit on your face!

–10th & 3rd

Asian guy: Horse shit is awesome!

–The Met

Wednesday One-Liners Thought Pulling Out Would Work

Woman on cell: … Then, when she found out my dog was pregnant, she stopped talking to me.

–77th & Broadway

22-year-old girl: I waited eight years before I got pregnant again, and I got in three fights while I was pregnant with him, but only two with this one. But one of those doesn’t really count, because I punched that bitch in the face and she was out.

–R train

Guy on cell: Yeah? I wish my mother was smoking crack when she was pregnant with me!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: walking by

Guy on cell: You’re pregnant? Who’s the father? Steve?! That’s why God invented abortions.

–NYU

Overheard by: Jeffrey Lebowski

Tween girl: … And a bunch of pregnant people started slapping each other!

–84th & 5th

Overheard by: Olivia

Thug to girlfriend: Who you pregnant about? ‘Cause it ain’t mine!

–23rd St station

Wednesday One-Liners Bump Uglies

Hipster girl: Yeah, but there’s a big difference between having a social life and having a social life with someone you want to have sex with.

–Bedford Ave

Lady: So, do you even want to put that in me anymore?

–46th & Broadway

Overheard by: Luke

Black guy to posse: What?! I don’t go to the ones where you can have sex with them!

–Chelsea

20-ish girl to friend: Dude, he, like, humps my leg on command!

–19th & Broadway

Overheard by: sweetchuck

White girl to friends: Just remember — I made a sex tape so you don’t have to!

–Bar 13

Hey, Sports Fans, It’s Wednesday One-Liners!

Girl: When I lived in Miami is when I really got into ice hockey.

–8th & Mercer

Black guy to white friends: Yo, Mets got no ‘rithmetic!

–63rd & Queens Blvd

Conductor over PA: Well, fuck me! Either we go bowling or we don’t go bowling!

–R train, 5th Ave

Drunk girl: I’d rather change my vagina into a penis than be a Devils fan!

–Ranger Game, MSG

Conductor: Welcome to New York’s Penn Station. This will be the last stop. Today has been declared ‘Be Nice to a Met Day.’ If you see anyone in a Mets jersey or t-shirt, be nice to them. They’ve had a rough couple of weeks.

–NJ Transit

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