All Wednesday One-Liners

Annie Oakley’s Wednesday One-Liners

Young mom to daughter: Rock, paper, scissors means rock, paper, scissors — no guns!

–R train, City Hall

Guy on cell: Where are you? It sounds noisy… Where? Oh, Magnolia… Well, just shoot them all before they breed more little cupcake-eating fuckers.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Barker for "Shoot the Freak" carnival game, to biking couple: Hey! You with the bikes! You support alternative modes of transportation, but do you support shooting people in the freakin’ head?! Step right up!

–Coney Island

Hipster on cell: You just hate me… No, ‘Get shotgun for raccoon’ was first on your errands list, and you ignored it!

–N train

Crazy substitute calculus professor: You cannot square infinity. Anyone who tries to square infinity will be shot. That’s a promise.

–NYU Silver Center

Not That There’s Anything Wrong with Wednesday One-Liners

Queer: So he showed up at the store in a t-shirt and towel and asked for Butt Paste!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Rachel P

Queer: I will have no part in making babies!

–Brooklyn-bound A train

Queer to approaching fag hag: Hi! Oh my god, you really do look like a suicide victim!

–Blockheads, 50th & 8th

Overheard by: ashley

Teen queer to friends: Hey! Tell pickle-juice-titties to come on! We gettin’ up out this faggot function.

–135th & St. Nicholas Ave

Overheard by: Just Another Harlemite

Queer: When I get bored around two in the morning I start throwing a rubber band ball at the wall. Then I take a cardboard box and use it to keep the ball from hitting me… It’s a rush.

–185th & Bennett

Overheard by: LSB

Wednesday One-Liners Can Too Carry a Tune in a Bucket!

Drunk guy singing along to "If You Leave Me Now": Up your ass, up your ass!

–M2M, 11th & 3rd

Overheard by: Lillian

Over conductor’s mic, to tune of Soulja Boy’s "Crank Dat": Super suck my dick! Super suck my dick! Bitch!

–1 train, 96th St

Overheard by: Ruby

Bag lady, singing: If you’re happy and you know it, show your butt cheeks!

–23rd & 2nd

Man, singing: How sweet it is to be loved by… your monkey, monkey, monkey.

–A train, 207th St station

Overheard by: Cat

Man getting into car, clapping hands over head and singing: Woo! They’re gone! They’re gone! They’re gone for a-whiiile!

–JFK, Terminal 6 departures

Overheard by: wondering if it was his inlaws or his children

Wednesday Wee-Liners

Woman to little girl: You haven’t hit puberty yet, so you’re still a midget.

–Bloomingdale’s

Overheard by: Emily B.

Little pig-tailed girl, pointing: Look, Daddy! It’s the dwarf from the OTB!

–Court St

Overheard by: katattack

Man selling books, to lady with kid: Check out these baby carriages! There could be an Al-Qaeda midget or something in there… with a machine gun.

–80th & Broadway

Overheard by: Molly

Chick: You’re right! My best friend is gay, and they’re worse than midgets!

–55th & 3rd

Dubya’s Wednesday One-Liners

Chick to friend about date: … And I liked him, but I don’t want to come on too strong. I need to be don-chalant.

–21st, near 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam

Coworker on phone: Mom, it’s Ducci and Gabanna… Ducci — it’s called Ducci and Gabanna!

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Bailey

Laughing woman: I’ma come back to you — let you marinate for a while!

–Daffy’s, Atlantic Ave

Overheard by: MKB

Angry suit on cell: This isn’t the latch-ness monster we’re talking about here.

–48th & Park

Overheard by: Sabrina

Woman on cell: They said I ain’t speak English good!

–43rd & Lex

Overheard by: Mortuary Megan

Marketing chick on cell, about boss: He was so mean to me! I am not un-articulate!

–23rd St

Overheard by: Ruby

Wednesdays Should Be Seen and Not One-Linered

Kid in stroller, to dad trying on sport coat: You look like a principal!

–Zara, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Seven-year-old girl to doorman: I have diarrhea!

–Cornelia St

Two-year-old girl to woman with Froot Loops: You really shouldn’t buy that cereal. It’s bad for you.

–Duane Reade, UWS

Seven-year-old on cell: Emily, I’ve been trying to call you, like, three times! Are you still mad at me about… [looks around crowded bus and lowers his voice] … you know…?

–Shuttle bus, Flushing

Little girl to mom: It’s not that I want a pretzel — I need a pretzel.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Meagan

Little boy shaking his hips: Tryin’ make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no! [Later, to woman behind register] Do you have Rugrats Gone Wild?

–Blockbuster, 10th & Wanamaker Pl

Overheard by: Lily and Rebecca

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Hear a Word You’re Saying

Mom to two-year-old bawling in stroller: Adriana, I am not going to argue with you — you are not getting an iPod!

–14th St, between 5th & 6th Ave

Panhandler: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m homeless, and I’m hungry. If anyone can help me out with food, something to drink, a spare iPod, a Macy’s gift card, or anything else that rhymes with that, I’d appreciate it. I know you’re human. We have to help each other out. If you were slaves, I’d free all of you. Even the white people.

–Manhattan-bound A train

Overheard by: courtenay

Mother yelling at misbehaving 11-year-old son: Do you want to be grounded from your iPod this weekend?

–22nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Dave H.

Aerobics instructor: Yeah, I’ve got everything I need — I’ve got an iPod, I’ve got a boyfriend…

–W 63rd & West End Ave

Overheard by: Suze V

Gay barista with asymmetrically-fashioned hair: Oh, yeah, I had really fancy ear bud headphones, too… But then I dropped them in a puddle of my own vomit on the subway, so now I have cheap ones. Yeah, that sucked.

–Bushwick Ave, East Williamsburg

Old woman pointing at guy’s iPod: Excuse me, young man, but what is that?

–Times Square shuttle

Overheard by: goofopet

Wednesday One-Liners for Breakfast and Lunch and a Sensible Dinner

Skinny girl: Okay, just because I only eat every two days doesn’t mean I’m anorexic.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: rina

Man: I mean, I don’t see why people pay so much for weight loss surgery! They should just ask to be put in a coma for a few weeks. That will get rid of the weight.

–Central Park

Father, picking up four-year-old son: Can you say the word ‘diet’? Diet. Di-et. Can you say that? Daddy thinks you need one.

–Museum of Natural History

Wednesday One-Liners, You Are Here

Girl on cell: Yeah, I’m in New York City… Yeah, it’s on the East coast, but it’s not really on the East coast. It’s not, like, next to water or anything.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Beach Goer

Dude: My god. I mean, everyone knows Broadway and Fifth Avenue are the same thing, and the idiot says no.

–14th & 4th

Overheard by: girl in the red coat

High school boy: So let me ask you this — how easy is it to cross over from Egypt to Mexico?

–3 train

Overheard by: Nick H

School trip escapee teen to pal: Now we can do whatever we want… We’re in Times Square!

–Outside Penn Station, 7th Ave

Overheard by: Go back to Iowa

Tourist chick to friends: LaGuardia? How the fuck did we end up at the fucking airport?

–Houston, at LaGuardia

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Best Medicine

Smiling dad to giggling infant he’s holding: Yeah, get yo’ laugh on!

–49th & 10th

Overheard by: chris

Chick: … And that’s how I had a miscarriage. Oh! That reminds of a funny story!

–NYU

Young suit: Ray* would be a better salesman if he wasn’t trying to be funny all the time. Like me — I can turn it off at the right times. Like, just today I said to Lynn*, ‘We should just take lunch for the rest of the day,’ and she said, ‘Just not come back, right?’ So I said, ‘You know me — I actually like to work all day and all night long,’and she said that I was hilarious…

–2 train

Columbia chick: I broke up with a guy once for being too funny. He was giving me wrinkles from laughing so hard!

–116th & Broadway

Cop to others: You know what’s really fucking funny? Everybody around here looks fucking suspicious.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Morgan

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