Old folks

Grandma: I don't like these halogen lightbulbs. They are ugly, like men's penises.


Overheard by: Martha

Sweet old lady: Well, when we moved to Gilbert we started up a garden and thought we had volunteer tomato plants.
Sweet middle aged lady: Volunteer?
Sweet old lady: You know, they came up without us planting them. So I started watering them and giving them fertilizer, and they got pretty big. Then one day I was eating dinner and I saw a boy jump over our fence in the back, rip out one of the plants, and take off with it!
Sweet middle aged lady: He stole a tomato plant?
Sweet old lady: Well, there was a sheriff down the street a few days later, so I told him about it. He came over to look at them, and told me they were marijuana plants!
Sweet middle aged lady: They weren't tomatoes?
Sweet old lady: I thought they were, but whoever lived there before us must have planted marijuana in their yard, and when I started watering they sprung up again.
Sweet middle aged lady: That gives me a funny feeling, knowing your house had drug users in it.

Tucson, Arizona

Overheard by: Mia

Elderly woman: You know… It’s so hard to eat pancakes in the nude!

Winchester, Virginia

Overheard by: SB

60-something guy, earnestly, to table full of seemingly level-headed adults: They're going to turn the moon into a weapon, the most powerful weapon ever…

Reno, Nevada

Overheard by: mini-me

Old man #1: Oh my god! You’re still alive?!
Old man #2: Well, yeah, ya old fuck!

Hoboken, New Jersey

Overheard by: Wendy GK

Grandson, watching grandmother hold cigar as if it was a joint: If grandma takes off her bra and burns it, I'm gonna freak out.
Grandma: Oh, Simon! I'm not wearing one.

Spencer, Iowa

Old lady: You know how it’s Jake’s* birthday in a week or two? And you know how he likes black leather?
20-ish granddaughter, whispering: Grandma! You’re making him sound like a homosexual!
Old lady: Well, it’s not like I’m going to get him assless chaps.

Eagle Ridge Hospital
Coquitlam, Bristish Columbia

Teen daughter: You’re a dickwad.
Mom: No, you’re a dickwad.
Teen daughter: No, you’re a dickwad.
Mom: No, you’re a dickwad.
Granny, with English accent: What’s a dickwad?
Teen daughter: It’s a pile of jism, Granny.
Dad: Okay, family meeting right now!

On the subway
Toronto, Ontario

Overheard by: jezebel

Old lady: Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just stay as we were and then wake up one day and be dead?

Assisted living center

Older man to friend: I don't like being murdered! Do you know how it feels like to be murdered? Trust me, you don't want to know. I'm always being murdered.

Princeton, New Jersey

Overheard by: uhh am I seeing ghosts?