Wednesday One-Liners

Do You Have Wednesday One-Liner Envy?

Chick on cell: I now have people in four states wanting to see his dick.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Man on cell: Haha, whiskey dick.

–89th & 3rd

Overheard by: Zach

Chick to guy: If your dick starts to morph, that’s a bad sign.

–Lucky 13 Saloon, Park Slope

Overheard by: Danielle

Girl, in disbelief: Your penis can shiver?!

–Lafayette & Astor

Male parks department employee on cell: Listen, Ed — you’re gonna think this is a crazy question, but I need to know what size penis you got.

–Prospect Park

Guy: Dude, I drank a shit-load, but I don’t pull my dick out of my pants in public and show it to people! Why do you do that?

–Montague St, Brooklyn Heights

Guy on cell: What?! Oh… Okay, I’ll write on your dick.

–OK Foods

Big, Beautiful Wednesday One-Liners

Young boy to mother: No! I didn’t call you fat!

–27th & 3rd

Overheard by: Andrea Leyton-Mange

Fat chick wearing tiny clothing: I got a belly with a fat pussy.

–4th & 6th

Overheard by: not what i needed to hear

Hobo: I was leaving my wife. I realized I didn’t have to run away, I could just walk. The bitch couldn’t fit through the door.

–A train

Black guy, about fat black girl: Damn, I know Anissa’s jacket be hurtin’! That zipper be like [in falsetto], ‘Heeelp! Let me down! Let me dooown!’

–Manhattan-bound 5 train

Overheard by: Lillian

Lady with sparkly blue eyeshadow: Real Women Have Curves? No, they just fat.

–Blockbuster, Broadway, between 9th & 10th

Wednesday One-Liners Are Good for You!

Fat woman: I’ll be rolling in my grave, sayin’, ‘I ate all them collard greens, y’hear?!’

–President St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Four-year-old girl on bike to two-year-old brother on scooter: Brian, you scared all the salad out of me!

–Ave B, between 5th & 6th St

Overheard by: santa’s boy toy

Fordham student: Some time after I eat asparagus, you’ll all have to come and smell my pee.

–Fordham University

Chick: You can’t live your life in a corn maze.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Elderly carnivore to elderly vegetarian: What about vegetables? They have lives, too.

–Q train

Overheard by: Rich Weksberg

The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday One-Liners

Metro hawker: Free news! Free news! It may not be any good, but hey — it’s free!

–43rd & Lex

Street vendor selling soda: One dollar! … 50 cents! … Free!

–Ground Zero

AM New York guy: Free! And if you want it in French, ‘Parlez-vous fran-free!’

–32nd & Greeley Square

Overheard by: Mary Beth

Flyer guy: Free colored pieces of paper!

–Times Square

Chick: If I didn’t pee on a guy for diamonds, what makes you think I’d pee on one for free?

–Union Square Park

With Wednesday One-Liners Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

Bimbette: Luckily for me, all of my friends are really unhappy.

–Urban Outfitters, Broadway & E Houston

Overheard by: Loring

Little boy to nanny: I don’t want to play with my backup friends today! I hate the transit strike!

–Central Park

JAP: Can we talk about how he went orb hunting with his friends instead of coming to my place to cuddle me?!

–Central Park

20-something chick: I would be a lot closer friends with her if it weren’t for her hair.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Ladle

Eight-year-old girl to younger brother: You don’t deserve to go to your friend’s… You deserve to be punished in a dungeon!

–9th & 5th, Park Slope

Overheard by: brownthomas

Nine-year-old girl to father: All my friends have issues…

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Little girl looking at ice cream cake featuring Dora the Explorer: Look, Mommy — there’s all my friends!

–Dunkin’ Donuts/Baskin Robbins, 30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Wench

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Close for Comfort

Scholar: I’ve spent most of my time at NYU defending New Jersey.

–Washington Square

Queer: I knew there was a reason I live in New Jersey — I can buy coke.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Natalie

Indignant hobo, to self: State of New Jersey! Yeah, right!

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Conductor: To all of you passengers wandering around looking for seats, there are five empty cars at the front of the train. They’re going to New Jersey, too, you know.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Chick on cell: Geez, Mom! It’s not my fault you decided to have another baby after forty… Well, when you put it that way, I guess it is my fault… Yeah, but you gotta talk to Dad about that last part. I was in Jersey most of that year, remember?

–L train

Overheard by: Kelly

Two-year-old boy, as train emerges from tunnel into New Jersey: Ewww!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: my thoughts exactly

Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Draft

Sorostitute: Everyone has to be naked!

–Wagner College

Overheard by: Heather

Middle-aged lady with hubby, pointing to young band member: Hi! Since we’ve seen you naked on your website, we feel like we already know you!

–Party, LES

Overheard by: Tom

One maintenance worker to another: Look, man, you don’t have to strip if you don’t want to.

–112th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: ColumbiaBrain

Chick: … But she didn’t want to get naked in front of her pet monkey…

–Lucky Cheng’s

Overheard by: ein ladle

Dude: When I got back into the room, he was naked and I was like, ‘What the fuck?!’ I asked him why he was and he said he thought we were gonna do chemistry homework!

–Times Square

Girl: … But is it worth taking off my clothes again?

–Beacon’s Closet dressing room

Overheard by: jayloo

What Exactly Is in Wednesday One-Liners?

Girl wrapped in towel: I’m totally going to put on my body suit… And then I’m going to cook a sausage!

–NYU

Overheard by: Caitlyn

Hispanic male: Ugh, if I see one more sausage, I’m gonna poke myself in the leg.

–Mulberry St

Overheard by: Lucia

Guy on cell: I’m thinking of leaving this business for poultry… No, you need a meat cleaver.

–Fashion District

Overheard by: Emily B.

Thug: Yo, the meat at this place is fresh, son. They got, like, a cow out back, and they be cuttin’ it. The cow be like, ‘Mooo-owww! Mooo-owww!’ Crazy fresh meat, yo. Crazy.

–LES

Chinese-American mom grabbing child’s hand: Don’t touch the meat, or it will bite you!

–Hong Kong Supermarket, 60th & 8th

Art student to another: I can?t believe we have to paint another sausage tonight.

–SVA Building, W 21st St

Old man to friend: I need to go to the Albanian butcher… But I’m afraid to go in there.

–68th St, Queens

Overheard by: Maggie

Half of All Wednesday One-Liners End in Divorce

Girl to friend: Yeah, so when he enlisted, he totally asked me to marry him and was like, ‘I’ll get more money so I can send it to you, and if you really want to get married to someone else some day, then we can get divorced’! And he, like, was totally sincere about it. It was so sweet.

–E 49th & 5th

Overheard by: karen

Young suit: You can’t break up with me just because I married her while we’re engaged! It’s not like I love her or anything… Like you’ve never married anyone for a green card!

–79th & Lex

Overheard by: cd

Man on cell: Hello? Hello? Hey, is that you, Brenda*? Yeah, yeah, it’s me, Mikey*. Say, how you been doin’? Listen, you still married? You happily married? [Long pause.] Oh. Okay, listen, gotta run. You take care of yourself!

–54th & 7th

Woman on cell: If only they made penis-shaped wedding tuxes.

–Victoria’s Secret, Chelsea

Overheard by: Ladle

Professor, on Dido and Aeneas’ relationship in The Aeneid: Fucking in a cave does not equal marriage!

–Sarah Lawrence College

Overheard by: loving her lit lecture

30-something strolling down street, to himself: Oh, shit, I forgot my wife.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kat

Wednesday One-Liners Are People, Too

Hobo: I’m looking for ladies with pretty toes. Holla, holla! So come here, mama. I like them big, fat, juicy toes.

–125th & 3rd

Overheard by: Thank God I’m wearing sneakers

Hobo to young tourists: Can you give me 85 bucks to buy a seafood platter?

–55th St, between 6th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Rose

Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen… Well, I’m not gonna lie — I wanna get high mothafuckahs!

–Queens-bound N train

Overheard by: Ryan M

Hobo: Sir, can you spare me a hundred dollars for a steak dinner?

–Outside Smith & Wollensky Steakhouse

Hobo: You know, if the pilgrims had killed bobcats instead of turkey, we’d be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.

–C train

Hobo to MTA worker walking by: How you doing? [MTA worker keeps walking.] Alright! Keep on truckin’! [MTA worker leaves train.] Get the fuck outta here! Okay! That’s all I have to say! [Hobo leaves train.]

–7 train

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