Al Bundy guy: …So I told her, “Yo, I can’t do that, you’re my sister! You want it? Show me we’re not blood. Prove to me we’re not blood related. Then you can have it.”
–Anbar Shoes, Reade Street
Latina: So, his name is Louis, and his brother’s name is Louis–like can you get more Dominican?
–1 train
Overheard by: Karen
NYU girl: Yeah, I think I’m good looking. I mean, if I had a twin, I would totally hook up with him.
–Broadway & 10th
Queer: That girl shows her tits for pizza. She’s like an heiress or something, but she’s also a hooker on Craigslist.
–Marie’s Crisis, Grove Street
Guy: You’re much prettier than some random girl I saw at the airport
yesterday.
–12 Chairs, Macdougal Street
Hipster guy: I have a sexual thing for zombies.
–4th & D
Man on cell: What do you mean, “you are deeply fucked”?
–St. Mark’s & 2nd
Overheard by: ljdes
Woman on cell: She looks like the kind of person who would giggle during sex.
–Christopher Street
Doorman: I feel sexy today!
–81st & CPW
Overheard by: Brad King
Black chick: Damn, girl! You know you be fly when the boys in the yarmulkes be checkin’ yo’ ass out!
–Broadway & 110th
Overheard by: Max Ravyn
Girl on cell: Mom, I don’t know what he’s supposed to have in his fridge, I usually don’t see anything but his sheets…
–75th & 3rd
Old lady: You were sexually active when you were 9?
–76th & 3rd
Overheard by: Pinsy
Bus driver: Will all the beautiful people please step to the rear? All the beautiful people, you know who you are. Thank you.
–Q46 bus
Overheard by: Joyce Shen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen: if you’re running late for your train, try calling out “please wait.” Most conductors will! The magic word gets used so seldom down here. This is your conductor speaking. And I’ll wait.
–F train
Conductor: Why you waving your hand in the door? You trying to catch a cab?
–B train
Bus driver: If you want good air conditioning, move to the middle. This bus is crap!
–QM1 bus
Overheard by: MissDona
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we have some good news and some bad news. Bad news is that our engine has stopped. The good news is that you’re not on an airplane.
–MetroNorth train
Overheard by: Nic
Conductor: Attention ladies and gentlemen, this is not an interactive ride! Please do not hold the doors.
–D train
Overheard by: Camodee D
PA system: Ladies and gentlemen, riding on the outside of cars is dangerous. Please ride fully inside the cars.
–4 train
Overheard by: OJ-Gangas
Conductor: This is the D train headed to the Bronx. I repeat, this is the D train. D, as in Denise Richards.
–D train
Guy: I got a medical procedure. It’s a done deal. It’s called a biops.
–Highbridge, The Bronx
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Man on cell phone: You forgot the safety word?
–Union Square
Overheard by: Maggie and David
Chick: I’m going to papercut you ferociously.
–Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Girl: Yo, I think these Band-Aids give me street cred.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Rocio Burga
Girl on cell: I hate him! I don’t want to invite him since he rammed his head into a wall at the bar…Yeah, she’s okay…When did he get cancer?…Of course, he can be invited; he has cancer. Wait…does he like to ram his head into walls?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Clay Stewart
Woman on cell: Oh my God, I’m about to explode. I got these tight-ass pants on and my stomach is about to explode over my belt.
–1st Avenue & 2nd Street
Overheard by: Sarah Dell’Orto
Guy on cell: Dude, I can’t give you a bottle. And he don’t got none, either…dude, I don’t mean no offense, but you know you’re a junkie type, right?…yeah, I hear ya…Fine. Maybe for $20 I can find you something.
–86th between Lexington & 3rd
Lady: So is that why he brought you a Xanax and a sandwich?
–Ludlow & Delancey
Overheard by: Michi Hollydale
Businesslady: I was a meth addict. You know, methadone. I didn’t inject it, though.
–Starbucks, 35th & 8th
Overheard by: wit and whimsy
Girl on cell: So like I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I told my parents that I was on drugs…which, of course, nothing could be further from the truth…yeah, I can blame them for reacting that way!
–77th & Lex
Chick on cell: …I know. He’s so generous with prescriptions. And I keep telling him, “I’m a real pill popper!”
–52nd & Madison
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
Chick: If you can get the perfect balance between alcohol and cocaine, then you’ve really hit your peak.
–15th & 5th
Overheard by: Lucy
Woman: So I had to figure out which was cheaper: the drugs or the rehab.
–Kate’s Joint, Avenue B
Queer: God it’s so gross! Gays in there lifting and just sweating all their drugs out…I just don’t go to the gym on mondays; it smells like chemicals!
–15th & 7th
Girl on cell: Yeah, they all call her Vitamin H, can you believe that?…No, no, it’s alcohol that’s the gateway drug. You only want to do coke after you drink.
–2nd Avenue & 10th Street
Chick: I’m afraid of birds, so I go to the bird store next door to sort of get over it, you know? So I was down there today and there was this lady there who owns one of the birds, and she was saying how it bit her in the lip, and she lost feeling in her finger. That makes me think…they really are evil!
–Office, E. 33rd Street
Man on cell: Hello. Yes, this is the squirrel from the park. Please
come back to the park, I’m not in the park but I’ll be there soon.
–23rd & 6th
College girl: I always associate double-parking with shrimp.
–M86 bus
Overheard by: Andrea Natalie Goldstein
Hispanic girl: Yo, butterflies is scary!
–B train
College girl: Yeah, my mom was watching this commercial about kitty litter where there was this cat who said, “Yeah, and then they go and do the thing…” Wait. I mean, that’s not what the cat said. I’m just paraphrasing.
–Starbucks, 67th & Columbus
Lady: The only film that Jessica Simpson belongs in is a snuff film.
Guy: Now that shit would be a blockbuster!
–Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street
Overheard by: Casey McKendrick
Man #1: I don’t recognize any of the actors in the new Dukes of Hazzard movie.
Man #2: There’s one guy who all the kids know in it. He got famous on that show…what was it called?…Asshole.
–Park Slope
Girl: It doesn’t matter if you’re skinny or fat–being anorexic is when you don’t eat because you only think that you’re fat!
Guy: No, people don’t eat because they’re not hungry.
–N train
Overheard by: Steph Lo
Sunbathing chick #1: Oh, girl, you so skinny. They should name you “Miss Congene-u-ality”.
Sunbather #2: Oh no no no, I don’t puke.
–Central Park Great Lawn
Overheard by: Jordan the Intern
Man: So let me get this straight: you still buy him stuffed animals–
Woman: Yeah.
Man: –but he just broke up with his girlfriend because she got too fat.
Woman: Yup.
Man: How old is he?
Woman: Nine.
–Starbucks, 114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jack Vanston
Girl on cell: I can barely hear you. It’s like your phone is on mute, only not quite.
–Astoria
Suit on cell: I don’t know! I don’t know! All I’m saying is, you better get a lawyer and it sure as hell isn’t going to be me!
–14th & Broadway
Punk dude on cell: Fuck you, fuck you!…call me when you are high or nice, until then fuck you!
–Dunkin’ Donuts, 42nd & Vanderbilt
Girl on cell phone: Like, I’m the one who invited Fran Tarkenton over in the first place!
–53rd & 8th
Overheard by: Tyler Bryce
Indian chick on cell: You’re like the diamond in a haystack I’ve been looking for!
–23rd & 3rd
Hobo: I take EZ-Pass too.
–96th & CPW
Hobo: Can you spare some change? Or a pineapple?
–4th Avenue & 8th Street
Hobo: Can you spare a dollar for a cup of coffee? How about an iced cappuccino?
–Madison & 62nd
Hobo: We been waiting for this train since May 5, 1987.
–86th Street B/C station
Hobo: Miss, miss, can you spare some change? Sir, sir? Ma’am?…You! You’ll speak when you’re spoken to!
–49th & 8th
