Wednesday One-Liners

20‐something guy to five‐year‐old boy: No, Wolverine and Barack Obama are not the same person.

–Hudson Park Soccer Pitch

Overheard by: Kelli Jo

Swag guy: Get your Obama condoms, put it on when times get hard.

–7th Ave & 47th St

Overheard by: Oh no he didn’t.…

Hobo on train: Look at these two girls! If we get married we can make another Obama!

–4 Train

Cute boy: Captain Kirk is the Bush to Picard’s Obama.

–Kent Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Trekkie

Diner to companion: Since Obama’s been President, North Korea has fired like two missiles. They’re testing his foreign policy, uh, you know, they’re testing his gallstones.

–Teddy’s Restaurant, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Sock street vendor to passersby: Socks! One dollar, one dollar! One dollar!
(nobody pays attention) Socks! One dollar! Obama! One dollar! Obama! (a few pedestrians stop to browse through his socks)

–New Chinatown, Flushing, Queens

Crackhead to French girls: This side of the station is for crackheads only. You are in violation of code 113, this area is reserved for crackheads only. So move now.

–110th St Train Station

Film man: Gimme five minutes and I’ll give you my left nut.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: S&J

Suit on cell: You hooked up with a 300‐pound girl?

–14th & 3rd Ave

Mexican guy: You look like 50 Cent. But in Mexico, your name would be 50 Pesos.

–Caliente Cab Restaurant , 488 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Mon

Thug: My wife hit me up for fitty bucks, and then my girl hit me up for another fitty bucks, and now I’m all tapped out.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Juliet

Conductor: Come on people! You were born with two eyes. If you would just use them to see that there are three different doors to the train, you would know that you’re holding people up trying to go home! Use your eyes and head and go in another door that people aren’t trying to get out of…Use the head people…Use the head!

–1 Train

Overheard by: megan

Econ major: So is that quadrillion as in past trillion?

–Classroom, NYU

Blonde coed: After he finished yelling at me for a solid ten minutes, he’s like, “So, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

–3rd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: simon

Middle school girl to boy: I don’t normally get with sixth graders, but you’re different…

–10th St & 1st Ave

Woman on cell: You are not listening to me. (pause) When you say whatever it is you’re bitching about’, I know that you are not actually listening to me.

–Riverside Park

Guy on cell: I don’t treat you quite as bad as you say.

–Amtrak

Overheard by: Flooey

Boyfriend, about girlfriend enthusiastically cheering on Colbert: Why don’t you scream like that for me?

–The Colbert Report Set

Party girl to friend: So I asked my priest, and he said “I think you should see other people.”

–Park Ave & 29th St

Overheard by: petey

Large black man to tiny dog with hacking cough: I told you three times already: Calm yo’self!

–Cunningham Park, Queens

Overheard by: HelloClairice

Woman to dog: You’re not paying attention, now are you?

–83rd & Broadway

Woman to her two dogs: Sit down… And don’t steal anything.

–Pet store, Park Slope

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Woman to dog barking at passerby: No, that’s not appropriate.

–70th & Amsterdam

Man to dog: J‑Lo, come here!

–Union Square Dog Run

Overheard by: Buns

Little boy holding a Dachshund: Too many weenies! Too many weenies, Mister Weenie!

–Daschund Day, Washington Square Park

Overheard by: rpk

Toothless man on bike to Shih Tzu: You gotta watch out! Have some human food. Eat at a Chinese restaurant. You a classy dog!

–10th & 6th

Overheard by: CarrieBoo

Latino guy: Can I have a baggy dog?

–Roosevelt Ave, Queens

Overheard by: petilipois

Professor: And here this writer will be reading from her first novel Doggy Style, which is probably about taking your dogs out and meeting other people in the city.

–Hunter College, creative writing classroom

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Woman: Excuse me, I have to put my hand up my dog’s ass.

–Columbus & 67th St

Girl: I can never visualize people’s faces. Like my mom. I know she has nice cheekbones, so I try and visualize her cheekbones. But then she just turns into this weird cat.

– Diner, 10th Ave

Woman: Cats are bitches! They think they’re better than you. I hate cats.

–89th St & Broadway

Overheard by: righteous queen

Man, singing to daughter in stroller: 11 puppies, 11 puppies, we’re searching for… 24 puppies!

–Sheridan Square

Overheard by: thaler

Teen girl: Your cat has gotten high before me!

–8th St & 4th Ave

Hipster girl: The kittens got on the stove and turned the gas on. I got home and it was like Fight Club but with kittens. I’ll probably give them away to the ASPCA or to suckers like you.

–L train

Overheard by: Philip

Woman: Oh! I got you some Xanax for your wedding day.

–14th & 9th

Guy: I don’t call myself an alcoholic any more. I find it really hard to separate out my shit like that.

–Washington Square South

Woman: I think I’m just going to stay in and have a heroin night.

–11th & University

Janet Reno Day One‐Liners

Short thug, holding baby, yelling at indie girl outside deli: My baby don’t like you! Don’t you ever come near my baby again! She thinks you got a ugly face!

–176th & Broadway

Overheard by: emily d.

Older woman to young couple proudly pushing baby stroller: That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!

–2nd Ave & 10th St

Tourist to another: I thought New York was supposed to be filled with good‐looking people. My god, everyone here is so ugly!

–Midtown Bar

Husband to wife: Why do we always get ugly German nannies? Always! Why?

–Broadway & 13th St

Loud old lady: I pray for death every day, because if you pray for death, you will never die.

–Metro‐North train

Guy giving directions to friend: I think it’s near the corner where we saw that lady get killed.

–W 32nd St, near 6th Ave

Overheard by: Personally, I would avoid that corner.

Man on cell: No, you have to hide the body.

–33rd & Madison

Overheard by: alex

Man on cell: I don’t know! He just called me up and said that I owe him 50 grand and that he’s coming to kill me… Yeah, I told him I have no idea what he’s talking about, but he said he’s coming to kill me anyway.

–77th & Broadway

Man, about his time in halfway house: Murderers are just the nicest people, you know? I mean, they really understand human suffering.

–F train

Shabby guy on cell: Why should I be the only man that never died from a piece of ass?

–55th & Madison

20‐something to friend: If I didn’t do so many drugs, I could probably afford to go skiing and shit like that.

–Williamsburg

Art school student: If I can stop doing heroin, I can do anything!

–Outside School of Visual Arts

Tourist guy to tourist friends: Yeah, I remember when he went to school on shrooms, and then he went to the principal and told him that he was on shrooms.

–40th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Bones Jones

Father to daughter: Don’t say “no” to drugs. Say “no, thank you.”

–45th St & 5th Ave

Blonde Catholic schoolgirl: Maybe after we pop the E we’ll roll over to 149th Street.

–Q88 Bus

Guy on cell: Well, right now my brother and my girlfriend share a bedroom.

–Washington Square North

Overheard by: Daniel

Young nanny to six‐year‐old girl, crossing the street: What do you care about more, your brother or your scooter?

–76th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Sonny

Daughter to obnoxious mom: Just because you are a member of my family doesn’t mean I won’t backhand you.

–NYU Coles Sports Center

Overheard by: Maria

Man to woman, while crossing street: Look, all I’m saying is there are a lot of men who like your sister even more then they like you – and that’s saying a lot!

–6th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: Wemily