Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-liners (As Seen on Cops)

Girl: …I mean, I don’t care. As long as he doesn’t hit her in my house!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Errin D.

Drunk thug: Yo, fuck Lil’ Bow Wow! If I get the chance I’ll cut that nigga…with my MetroCard! And then I’ll swipe him through.

–Last Exit, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mr. Brojangles

Jewess: If Miriam acts that way again to me, I am going to slap her pussy bald.

–86th & 2nd

Overheard by: Caroline Kelley

Man: Just you watch, she’s gonna cut him!

–3 train

Man: I don’t know, he only dates guys in jail.

–33rd & Madison

Overheard by: Missy Gartner

Black kid: They’re going to get me for conspiracy! That’s what they did to my brother! He’s spending 8 years in jail for conspiracy…firearms…half an ounce of cocaine…crack cocaine.

–B train

Overheard by: Samantha G

Enormous Changes for Wednesday One-liners

Woman: I would bedazzle the shit out of that shirt.

–53rd & 9th

Girl: So, he said he was thinking about getting LASIK, and I told him that if he wants to have surgery he has to start with a nosejob.

–Times Square

Man on cell: Yeah man, I promised for her birthday I’d take her to the best doctor in town. She really needs to have this done. Where did you take yours when she had fleas?

–57th & Broadway

Girl on cell: Oh, I don’t know, the last time I saw you your lips didn’t look that overinflated.

–Washington Square dog run

Overheard by: boswell

It’s Just a Number, Wednesday 1-Liners

Man: You two walk how old people fuck!

–14th & 9th

Overheard by: Emily

Guy on cell: Yeah, general admission was cool when I was 18, but not when I’m fucking 32.

–78th & 1st

Guy: You know how, like, with alcohol they require ID for proof of age? They should really do that with bikinis also.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

“I’m not leaving until I get a token or onion rings!”

A woman is arguing with the man in the token booth, but he’s speaking through the mic and his voice is muffled.

Woman: Huh? What? What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, all right. Shut the fuck up, Burger King.

–Sutter Avenue station

Overheard by: Deshaunicus

Guy: Here you go man. Here’s some fries.
Hobo: Fries? Fries with what?

–88th & Madison

Overheard by: Benjamin K.

Not Quite a Match with Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Oh, excuse me!…Want to make out?

–Centre & Chambers

Overheard by: Chris

Older man: …so they served these smaller things, like appetizers, in between the three main courses. You know how many they gave us? Four! There were four intercourses…

–West 53 Street office

Girl on cell: He shoots dope and smokes crack! I can’t think of a worse person for you to sleep with!…well, yeah, I guess…

–81st & Madison

Girl: I’d blow him every day if he’d let me drive his beamer more.

–Sheep’s Meadow

Tween girl: Shit, if I were 21, and he was like, “Yo, do you want some
beer?”, I’d be like, “Shit, only if you got a hotel room.” ’cause then
we could, like, go in it.

–Starbucks, 34th & 7th

Overheard by: marissa

Daily News guy: …and I said, “Just take me now, bitch!”

–Bar 288, Elizabeth Street

DMV guy: Who’s here for oral? Did anyone in this line sign up for oral?

–DMV, Atlantic Avenue Center

Overheard by: RMC

Wednesday One-liners Are All Over the Map

Fat chick: Every single website, every newspaper, if it’s under
$200,000, it’s in China.

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Drunk guy: So, where would you want to get your gall bladder taken out: France or New York?

–1st Avenue & 3rd Street

Overheard by: Lisa H.

Girl: Oh, look. It says, “I Heart Someone in Austin”!…Oh…with autism. Never mind.

–W. 249th & Independence, The Bronx

Overheard by: Bianca Townshend

College girl: The real reason I went to San Francisco is that I wanted to go to Japan, but that was as far as I could afford.

–14th Street 1/2/3 station

Overheard by: Kevin Sheldon

Girl:…so do you actually eat Lucky Charms in Ireland?

–Wall & Broad

Overheard by: David McG

Guy: Is that a cruise ship? Oh no, wait. It’s New Jersey.

–Sunset Park rooftop

Overheard by: c dub

They Have Wednesday One-liners Overseas

Light-skinned woman: Shit, you don’t know who I am; I’m black as far as you’re concerned. I could be from South Africa and shit and have seen worse things that you could imagine. Or I could be from Ireland and have gone through some Protestant shit.

–Jay Street station

Girl on cell: So I went up to my Professor just now? And I was telling him I’ve chosen a country for my project. He was like, “Africa? That’s not a country.” I was like, “Come on, what was all that Live 8 stuff about, then?”. He was just like, “Never mind. Africa is fine.”…Yeah, totally.

–The NYU Bookstore, Washington Place

Aussie guy: …no, see, goats in Australia are feral because they are an alien species. They just dropped them on every island in case people got shipwrecked. Then there’d be food. Problem was no one ever got shipwrecked.

–6 train

Overheard by: Kirstin Liu

Wednesday One-liners Should See a Doctor

Chick on phone: Do you love your gynecologist? Because I don’t. I’m not, like, thrilled. I need stability right now. It’s like bing-bing-bing, you’re done. Now tell me about your period and breastfeeding.

–Brooklyn Army Terminal

Woman: Oh no, she loves having surgery…

–Fresh Bites, 56th & 6th

Man on cell: It was like a little dagger, stabbing my eyeball…

–Madison Avenue office

Overheard by: Jonathan Harford

Woman: …so my gynecologist said, “Why would you want to go to her? She’s out of network!”

–Opia, E. 57th Street

Wednesday One-liners Are Grossly Mismarketed

Old Black guy: The thing about Girls Gone Wild is that most of them are strippers. Girls don’t really go wild.

–D train

Overheard by: pixelvisions

Woman: One day they have Angelina sleeping with Tom Cruise, now they say she’s with Brad.

–Food Emporium, Broadway & 68th

Hipster chick: You know, they have all these sodas with added lime flavor, but why don’t they ever do Sprite with lime?

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Melissa

Huge guy: So he comes up to me and gives me the $600 that he owes me. I took one look at the bills and thought this was the worst counterfeit job I’ve ever seen so I beat the shit out of him…Did you know they have a new $100 bill?

–35th & 8th

Overheard by: Paul Ferris

Woman: Sometimes I see underwear I don’t even understand.

–Victoria’s Secret, 82nd & Broadway

Overheard by: djlindee

Pre-school teacher lady: If they didn’t build the subway, we wouldn’t have Home Depot or Lowe’s.

–NY Transit Museum

Overheard by: Trix

Announcing Wednesday One-liners

Suit: Attention tourists. It is now just after 5PM, and unlike you, some of us had to work today and would like to fucking get home. Please keep moving and do not just fucking stop in the middle of the sidewalk. This has been a public service announcement.

–43rd & 7th

Conductor: Next time, you lose your hands!

–N train

Overheard by: Gregorio

The train stops in the tunnel, and the conductor announces: Ladies and gentlemen! We are momentarily held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.

–A train

Driver: Welcome aboard the M86 crosstown bus. I apologize for the delay today; we will be moving momentarily. If you are carrying a grudge from school, or work, or home, please do not take it out on me. I promise you, we will be moving momentarily.

–M86 bus

Overheard by: Diane

Conductor: Get all your possessions, including your body, inside the doors, if you want the train to move. It’s that simple.

–S train

Conductor: That was a very dangerous thing that you just did with the cane.

–F train

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