Wednesday One-Liners

Dreaming of Wednesday One-liners

Contractor on cell: Uncle Monty left his nightmares at home last night.

–Park Slope

Girl on cell: …since we lived underwater we were seapeople, and we were a lot like seahorses, and you were pregnant because, you know, male seahorses carry the baby. And then we had to go on land for you to have the baby…

–Hunter College cafeteria

Woman on cell: I’m telling you, this guy is the man of my dreams. The only thing that could go wrong at this point is if he turns out to be, like, 4’11” or something.

–Prospect Heights

(cf. this entry.)

Wednesday One-liners for Dad’s Wife

Guy on cell: You’ve got the best job: being a mom.

–42nd between 6th & Madison

Woman: …maybe because I got my period in the 4th grade and looked like everybody’s mother by the 6th grade. I was huge.

–27th street office

Mom: Now, this is not the Louvre, so don’t be jaded or anything.

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: Cat Pop

Drunk: If a woman hadda right to choose where I come from, I wouldn’t be here today!

–Odessa Cafe, Avenue A

Overheard by: Ted Lattis

Chick: I saw my mother on stage in underwear and a bra with motorized tassels…

–13th & 5th

Overheard by: Caroline Norris

It’s Wednesday One-liners, Dumbass

Drunk woman on cell: It’s been Tuesday all day! And tomorrow’s gonna be Tuesday too!

–St. George, Staten Island

Overheard by: johnny

Teen girl: So, if I didn’t pass a drug test, does that mean I, like, failed?

–Pratt

Southern girl: …so I asked her what the “M” on her bag stood for. She was all, “It stands for Margaret, ’cause it’s my name.” And I was all, “Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I keep forgettin’, ’cause we been calling you Maggie.”

–7 train

Overheard by: ProcrastYNate

Asian woman: Excuse me, what time is the 7:17 train?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Adman

Wednesday One-liners for the KKK

Stumbling drunk: Viva Mexico! Fuck all the niggers! I hate niggers! Viva Mexico!

–Union Square

Woman: …and did you hear him say that he brainwashed my husband when he was in Iraq?

–27th Street elevator

Old junkie: You red-headed nigga! I saw you on 2nd street! You had an office…in somone’s funky ass! And you’re from Europe!

–F train

Overheard by: Ali

Two Sides of the Story: Wednesday One-liners

Guy: I asked her, “Do you have any retail experience?” and she answered, “No, but I used to sell my body.”

–Stonehome Wine Bar, Lafayette Avenue, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Anna

Woman: I was two fisting, unfortunately.

–APT, W. 13th Street

Guy: I think he drank like a gallon of olive oil and some minerals, and he was shitting stones.

–27th Street office

Bloody Wednesday One-liners

Queer on cell: Yah, well, Terri Schiavo died this week, and so did the Pope. So it’s been a pretty good week.

–Chumley’s, Bedford Street

Overheard by: Initials

Girl on cell: Fuckety fuck fuck, I forgot to put on a tampon this morning. Shit, shit, shit! I’m screwed, Lizette, I’m screwed.

–Bensonhurst

Girl on cell: Don’t walk in the blood! Don’t walk in the blood! Oh ah aah!…Thanks lady, thanks for walking in the blood.

–Essex & Rivington

Overheard by: Nicole A.

Wednesday One-liners

Construction guy: That Barney Rubble, he’s some actor.

–South Street Seaport bar

Overheard by: Keith McCarthy

Guy: She’s a spoiled rotten brat. She’s rich as shit and gets everything she wants. It fucking pisses me off. I can’t stand her…the only reason I know all this is ’cause I hang out with her like 24 hours a day.

–1 train

Hobo: Hillary Clinton and Pee-Wee Herman are Democrats! I am a Republican!

–12th St. & 7th Ave.

Overheard by: Caroline N

There’s Our Problem: Not Enough Dead Children

Lady: They’ve got psychiatrists for dogs. They’ve even got their own cemeteries. They’ve got more things than kids!

–Eckerd’s, Bensonhurst

Younger brother: I wish I could jump over buildings like Spider-man.
Older sister: Little buildings or really tall buildings?
Younger brother: Tall buildings.
Older sister: I bet you could. Why don’t you try it sometime?

–M14 bus

Mouthfuls of Wednesday One-liners

Scottish chick on cell: He’s sort of like the John Tesh of tonsils, isn’t he?

–60th & 1st

Overheard by: zunshyn

Guy: I think I know enough about compound plastic to perform basic dentistry.

–1/9 train

Overheard by: Kathryn Galloway

Tech kid: I can, like, smell which microphone you’re using.

–NYU Education building, Washington Square east

Gross! Wednesday One-liners

Old man: I don’t even like taking the subway anymore because the tiling is so disgusting.

–28th Street station

Overheard by: Nico Westerdale

Guy: Every time I see him, I want to wash myself.

–South Street seaport

Queer on cell: Whores! You are W-H-O-R-E dash I-B-L-E. That’s what you are. You’re whore-ible.

–50th between 8th & 9th

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