Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-liners Go Off on Rants

Hobo: Oh shit, baboons. They might bite me. I gotta be careful!

–54th & 7th

Crazy lady: Of course, as you can see, there are Fiddlywumps in there, and that’s the number one sign that you should leave the area immediately.

–14th & 7th

Crazy man: You know how da fish swibbles as it follows da current on da waves? It’s a baddacudda outta control. Dat’s what happens in ya mind. Ya know, da mind waves?

–42nd & 6th

Wheeltard: I’m a fucking genius! I’m a fucking genius! Hitler was amazing, everyone hail Hitler!

–7th Avenue & Grove

Hobo: Man, I’m going to fuckin’ Hong Kong. I’m sick of dodging bullets every day.

–110th & Morningside Drive

Overheard by: Laird

Taxi driver: There’s too many fucking buses in this city! And they all empty! And now you going to go kill all the Arabs for the gas for the empty fucking buses!

–5th Avenue cab

Overheard by: Megan E.

Crazy guy: Geraldo Rivera and his army. Is his wife in there? Bring her too.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: KJD

Crackhead: I can’t get married because first they took the land from the Indians and then they tried to take money from the poor and eliminate races!

–40th & Park

Overheard by: Vanessa

Wednesday One-liners Run Afoul of the Law

Black guy: It really tore me up to have to beat that nigga with a chair.

–Times Square

Drunk: Fuck getting arrested! I don’t care! But my point is this…

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Guy: See, Francie? See how it’s all pink around the nail? That’s from jabbing my thumb into that guy.

–48th & 1st

Guy on bike: …and she said, “What are you going to do, shoot me?” and that was the last thing she ever said.

–Forest Hills

Old White lady: Oh no, I didn’t get any blood on me, I stayed away from the action. I was the one doing the shooting.

–Aaron Davis Hall, Convent Avenue

Guy on cell: You’re in Florida? You’re driving back right? Get me a nine!…I don’t give shit where you buy it from, get me a nine milimeter. For real, all those southern states you’re driving through, you can get one from somewhere!

–DeMarco’s Pizza, Houston Street

Wednesday One-liners Announcements

Loudspeaker: Spirit Airlines is paging Islam Mohammed. Islam Mohammed, please report to gate B6 for an ontime departure.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Joe Helfrich

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, in a crowded car like this, remember you only have two hands. If you notice a third hand in your purse or your pocket, I am sure your fellow passengers will help you get rid of the third hand.

–A train

Overheard by: Miss Babette

Bus driver: First, next and last stop!

–M104 bus

Overheard by: Palaverist

Loudspeaker: OK…The downtown E train is leaving…Close it up, close it up, close it up…downtown E train…close it up…now serving Wade, party of 2…Wade, party of 2.

–E. 51st Street station

Overheard by: Tim

My Fantasy? Wednesday One-liners

Woman on cell: Tell everybody to come to New York and play D&D with me.

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Francesca

Guy: So what you’re saying is that every event in modern history was
caused by a time-traveling Keanu Reeves?

–Chevy’s, Times Square

Overheard by: Kenny B

Boy on cell: …yeah, I know! So then I said, “Bitch, that’s what you get for messing with a level 5 dragon master!”

–C train

Overheard by: Lorelai Greenwood

Fat lady: You know, I don’t think I would make a good vampire…I don’t like staying up too late.

–W. 57th Street office

Wednesday One-liners Grab Some Dinner

Lady: Geez, what an adventure, huh? I mean, “grande ensalada”? I had no idea what I’d ordered until it came to the table!

–55th & Madison

Overheard by: Heather

Hobo: She eats the cole slawwww. She likes the Pepsi, not the Coke!

–Borough Park

Russian lady: How many times do I have to tell you? Puerto Ricans don’t eat tacos.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Jonathan

Man: We have to stop here so I can eat. If we keep walking, I can’t eat in the rain.

–23rd & Madison

Woman: It’s spiritual. I only eat yak.

–11th & A

Overheard by: Lisa D

Girl on cell: OK, well, get me as many cans of tuna as you can possibly carry.

–Washington Square & East 4th

Senior VP on phone: No, you can’t order Chilean sea bass anymore! They’re all bred artificially in ponds. The real ones are going extinct out of sheer deliciousness.

–Madison Avenue office

Woman: It’s too hot today for Indian food. Well unless, you know, you’re Indian.

–17th & Park

Overheard by: Robyn

Let’s Face Wednesday One-liners

Girl: …and I was crying! Because he told me I was so ugly. But then he said he was just being honest…

–9th Street & 2nd Avenue

Overheard by: Domi

Guy: Hey Dave, remember the last time we were here, that security guard came up to you and asked if you needed medical attention because he assumed you got hit in the mouth with a baseball?

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Michael Bull

Cop: You couldn’t suck hard enough to give her a hickey. All the stubble broke the suction.

–30th & 7th

Teenage boy: Honestly! Why would anyone put spermicide on their face?

–Bank Street

Overheard by: Jon Gordon

Mother: I can’t believe you like how Robin’s face looks. It doesn’t look like she’s wearing any makeup! She needs to wear makeup.

–Sephora, 5th Avenue

Wednesday One-liners Have Some Class

Chick: This is the same boy who used to lick champagne massage oil off of my naked tits, and now he’s writing three page long internet odes to Ronald Reagan?

–171st & Broadway

Overheard by: Djlindee

Girl: Man if I had money, I’d be a classy bitch!

–Mona’s, Avenue B

Overheard by: Simon Mason

Guy on cell: I smoke weed, work, go to school, and fuck bitches. That’s what I do, man.

–18th between 5th and 6th

Guy: I got a great e-mail from my friend the other day. It said, “Let’s steal something. Call me.”

–Old Town Bar, 18th Street

Overheard by: LMF

Chick: It’s amazing how much more tip you’ll get if you let them fondle your nipples for a little.

–Soho party

Suit: You tell him I don’t spend $4 million on a piece of shit! You tell him to shut the fuck up…in a nice way.

–38th & 7th

Overheard by: Krados

Man on cell: Fuck you! I have a website you can go to, it’s called www.getbitchslappedyoufuckingbitch.com. Or how about www.fuckthisshityoufuckingwhore.net.com?

–54th between 8th & Broadway

Mom: Come on now, we going outside, you can do it there, OK?…He was gonna pee-pee right here on the step. Fuck that!

–137th Street station

Overheard by: Amanda Nazario

Wednesday One-liners Hit Yuppietown

Hipster girl: She asked me, “Like, when you give your grandmother a bath, do you use bleach?”

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Jeremy Dawson

White girl: I know, right? If I’m gonna get fucked over, it’s gonna be by a genuine asshole, not by some pussy-ass white boy who’s not even good in bed.

–Williamsburg

Woman on cell: …is it wrong that I just kind of want to shit all over her whenever she mentions something good happening in her life?

–Bedford Avenue station

Man: All I ever want to do is hang around my apartment. Nekkid. With money taped all over me.

–Montrose Avenue station

Overheard by: K.M.

Wednesday One-liners Know Their Maps

Chick on phone: Where is Argentina?…Is there a beach?

–Madison Avenue office

Tourist guy: You know, for such a big city, it’s funny that New York has no rivers.

–Q train

Overheard by: Eva D

Navy lady: So he tried to tell me that this was the Empire State Building, but it’s Trump Tower!

–Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-liners Hate Those Big Corporations

British chick: Now not only do I have to blow up Bank of America, I now have to blow up Macy’s.

–27th Street office

Teenage girl shaking her fist: Fuck you Duane Reade! Gah!

–76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chella

Woman: I feel like I’m in eastern Europe. This Duane Reade is ghetto.

–Duane Reade, 23rd & 6th

Woman: So I was like, “Move your hand! What is this, Cinemax?”

–Times Square

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