Wednesday One-Liners

Lady: You know, I heard him sing in the back room and he was like a young Clay Aiken.

–Macy’s

Guy: There’s nothing sadder than seeing an old gay woman.

–Church Street between Vesey and Barclay

Foreign art student: …so then, we are in the shower room, and you know, we start, how do you say…masturbate, and then he leaves, and I am like, “Oh my god, I really want to talk to him too!”.

–MoMA

Old man: You know it’s New York cabbies when you have aliens, automobiles, and a lot of assholes.

–Astoria

Guy: One time, I was walking down the street wearing a track suit and this blind guy was behind me and he said, “Look, it’s a zebra.”

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Tori Hill

Girl on cell: You want immigrants to be your maids, your cashiers…You’re not ready for immigrants to be your doctors, your lawyers….I don’t think of myself as an immigrant. I think of myself as an expatriate.

–2nd Ave. & 10th St. liquor store

Man: So Tommy’s the security guard there, and I’m in the back room sellin’ crack to him…

–34th Street Lowe’s

Man on cell: …but there are like a thousand kinds of Crest!

–Duane Reade, 23rd St. & 6th Ave.

Overheard by: Elizabeth Rand

Chick: So when he talks about Britain, does that mean England too?

–Fordham

Overheard by: e. glass

US woman (to UK guy): You speak another language, only with American words.

–49th & 6th

Overheard by: David Grote

Guy: I drink so much coffee, that if my girlfriend gives me a blowjob she can’t sleep all night afterwards.

–Wall St. Starbucks

Black chick: It smells like the bottom of a slave ship in here.

–Sapphire Lounge, LES

Bible Thwacker: Have you considered turning back to Jesus?
Woman: Have you considered licking my clitoris?

–Times Square

A psychic was handing out flyers, and was rebuffed by one woman with: Hey, if you were psychic, you’d know I don’t believe in that shit.

–Bensonhurst

Overheard by: Deborah Olin

B&T chick: What I really liked about this guy is that he could write his name in cocaine. And underline it.

–Grand Central food court

Overheard by: Nathan K. Claus

Guy: All I want is for my relatives to die in a certain order.

–University Ave, Bronx

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Guy on cell: It’s not like I sucked some guy’s dick last…oh wait, I did!

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: a.alvarez & c.palmatier

Guy: I’m sorry, I left my foundation at home today.

–The Flame, Clinton

Overheard by: Sandy

Girl: We’re outside now. Now I can entertain you.

–57th & Park

Overheard by: heather

Hobo: Hey Mr. Rockafella, can you help a blackafella?

— 7th Av & W. 11th

Overheard by: Gillian Glasser

Eurochick: I’ve got to dance tonight. I didn’t make any money here this week.

–Soho salon

Woman on cell: Where are you? I’m lost!…I don’t know! I’m uptown. I’m on a corner. I’m in front of a tall building.

–57th & Lex

Overheard by: Heather